Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, I've recently been diagnosed with autism, which has helped make sense of much of my life.
However, the rector of my C of E parish church of 2 years, St George the Martyr Southwark, has recently conveyed at the start of March through the Diocese Safeguarding that he is no longer willing to support me in any way, in conversation, in prayer, in blessing (this was about 2 weeks before Covid measures here and has nothing to do with Covid). This led me to attempt to kill myself because I just couldn't cope.
This came as a complete shock to me as immediately up to that point of complete withdrawal, he'd consistently supported me for two years in weekly pastoral meetings, in being available for conversation, prayer and blessing after services and even phone-calls when I'm overwhelmed (as he still does for others). I've since learnt from a meeting with the Diocese that he'd been in constant 'confidential' meetings with the Diocese about being no longer 'able' to support me, despite my needs being non-confrontational and non-violent, even as he reassured me of his commitment to "walk with you always" and "I just wanted to repeat my willingness to support you", in speech and in writing as recently as late February. Now that I'm not allowed to contact him in any form, I'm not just unable to learn why he's done this to me but have been utterly depressed about being excluded from the same level of pastoral and spiritual care he still gives others, not just those with physical health needs but even ordinary people. The worst part is that because of Covid, he is now offering church members remote pastoral support by phone. Because I'm still on their mailing list (because by church law I'm still on their electoral roll), I got the email detailing this new measure of support by phone. However, when I tried to clarify this, I got an email from the Diocese expressly stating that this measure still excludes me, and that this offer of pastoral support is given freely to everyone else who have been worshipping at St George's with the specific exception of me. (Anyway, I later found out through someone who took me out for lunch after this happened and helped me process things a bit that this priest is just someone that I should never have trusted. I didn't know this because I never got involved with church management but apparently he's known to those involved in the church's management for constantly changing his ideas and behaviour, breaking promises and saying different things to different people, someone I should never have called a priest. But what's done is done.)
After learning about my autism diagnosis while in hospital from my suicide attempt, I've since tried to look up how to cope with a change as sudden and devastating as this (sudden, complete and inexplicable withdrawal of two years of consistent, reliable trust and support!). I read that I should find a 'new normal' as soon as possible but with Covid this is impossible as I can't get to know a new church and clergy because churches are closed.
Can anyone help me? It's so painful being surrounded by memorabilia (photos, confirmation cards, books) of my time at St George's, particularly that priest's support, knowing all that's come to an abrupt and inexplicable end but at the same time removing them would only make it worse by their noticeable absence. I'd appreciate any tips you can give. Every day I'm just fighting for the will to live. I really can't deal with something so abrupt and inexplicable as this. If it helps with your advice and tips, I have a further, older diagnosis of EUPD (the new term for BPD).
No probs. ;)
Oops sorry, new on here. I didn’t mean to reply to you, but to the OP.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing that. In my congregation we are having our meetings by Zoom so we can all still worship ‘together’. It is really nice. I am also getting a personal encouragement meeting on Monday from the elders to help with some anxiety and depression that’s been overwhelming lately. I believe that will be FaceTime or something like that. I really appreciate their efforts to continue support when unable to meet in person. I suggest going to JW.org for you. There are many great articles on mental health and coping with anxiety as well as biblical explanations for the kinds if things we see happening in the world around us these days.
Ive found them very encouraging and calming. You can also fill in a contact form online if you want someone to talk to more about anything. You are welcome to contact me as well, if you want. I’m not diagnosed yet. This isolation is putting off my assessment, but I get what it’s like to be an autistic religious person so there’s a connection there.
Have you contacted your priests' boss? By that I mean the bishop for Southwark.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Chessun
Might be worth sending him a letter asking why you have been excluded after receiving a autism diagnosis. If that doesnt achieve anything I would go straight to sending a letter to the Archbishop of Canterbury, maybe cc the letter to the Bishop of Southwark, and the Priest that shunned you. Then see what happens. if you cant get anything out of it, try a different church in a different area and tell them nothing about the current situation. Basically move on. You may never get the same level of support from them, but I'll bet there are churches out there that would welcome you with open arms.
FTR I am Catholic and not Anglican. So take this advice with a pinch of salt. I know how to navigate the Cathloic church, but dont have as much experience doing the same within the Anglican church.
Yet church is supposed to be a welcoming place! Sorry to hear you've experienced this too.
I agree with duck bread. On the other side over met a reverend just once for about 5 minutes and she made it clear i wasent welcome! She grilled me as to why I want to go to that church and I guess my answers werent correct lol. Thankfully she has left
That's really strange - I'm not sure why he'd suggest it isn't a good Parish for you without even knowing you. I wonder if it's worth looking outside of the Catholic church (e.g. Methodist or Church of England)? It depends what your preferences are and how important the Catholic element is to you.
I hope he replies and offers some more support. Feel free to keep talking to us in the meantime. This is a really strange time for everyone, but we can get through it.
Just an update that they've - or rather the particular priest to whom I wrote - replied. He gave me a very thoughtful response but the important bit is basically that there's not much I can do to join his parish now since buildings are closed and they aren't live-streaming. He didn't say anything about the mailing list but wrote that he felt it wouldn't be a good parish for me and it's best that I attend a service once Covid measures are lifted to see for myself, so I assume that's a polite 'no' to joining the mailing list. He encouraged me to remain at St George's or try other churches in Southwark so I had no choice but outline to him the entire situation above (which I hadn't completely, because I was tired of repeating myself and looking like a gossip) including the problems I'd run into trying to join the neighbouring church. I'm not sure if he'll reply but if he does I doubt it'll be permitting entry into the mailing list or online discussion groups. It looks like I have no choice but to let this vacuum eat me inside out until Covid measures are lifted. Hopefully by then I'll still be alive.
I like you. :-) You've been so kind to read my plea to the end, kinder even to reply. I also find NTs very unfathomable. They drink their own promises like water and throw people away like plastic cups. You take care of yourself too because there are very few honest and open people left in this world...
If you like church, also take a look at bell ringing or the choir. You get to spend time with a small group of people who can become a nice group of people that look put for you. Good luck
I cant really help as I find people so hard to fathom. I just blunder through blindly really. Most people dont like me. I think I'm too honest and open. Take care of yourself
Thank you so much. I'm so sorry about your son - I've always been sceptical of the youth groups especially because they're often run by random volunteers with no training on being with children. I chaperoned one session and was lucky that it was led by the previous curate who was once a teacher so I didn't witness anything bad. But I can only empathise with the pain your son must've felt to be so misunderstood and humiliated in a large group led by a figure of trust that really should be accommodating him. I pray that he will have healing and peace and also find a new normal in a community where he can feel safe and appreciated. Thank you again for your kind words and prayers - they are all I have now.
I still attend the church, but my son doesn't. I wasn't aware of the bullying until too late, because he didn't tell me about it at first, and it was happening when he went out of the main hall to youth group. (He was being perceived as the troublemaker.) The church isn't openly hostile to people with autism, but there could definitely be more understanding.
Thank you for your reply, I will definitely pray for you and your situation, and that you find a church with the compassion and understanding you need, and not more prejudice.
Thank you so much for your empathy. I haven't heard back from St Luke's but I'll give them time since I only wrote to them on Friday. Unlike other churches short of staff during Covid, St Luke's now has 4 clergy so I don't think it's unreasonable to hope for a reply within the week. I'll also ask my uni chaplain to try to contact them and put in a plea for me.
Meanwhile, I've received a depressing final response from my last hope in this, a semi-retired but previously influential clergyman in this Diocese, whose wife who was inpatient with me at hospital insisted that I contact. He has done his best to help, even making calls, going above and beyond his duties and doing all this for mercy's sake, but has hit a dead end. He has said because of caring duties and Covid he can no longer help me and sadly will have to refrain from further contact with me. But I completely understand. Although it's very depressing, he didn't just ghost me like the priests at St George's and Christ Church Southwark, and never made any promises he didn't keep, and personally communicated his reasons for having to cut me off, was polite and sincere in his closure, which for some reason brings me a peaceful kind of depression, instead of an anxious and helpless one.
I'm so sorry your son was bullied and received very little support - I can only empathise but sadly as is evident in my efforts to plead to the Diocese there's nothing much churches are willing to do about this. I must say St George's has its fair share of happy autistic children so the rector and Diocese probably think they're very good at this and I'm just faking it or exaggerating. Sadly, adult autism can have very different needs from autistic children. The latter tend to have good family support and school adjustments, whereas the former can have poor relationships with their family (I was abused by my parents as a child and although they are much better now, trauma can't be erased, just as trauma from being abandoned and ghosted by St George's can't be erased and is nearing a crisis for me now), limited uni support (lecturers aren't 'in loco parentis' like school teachers) and due to stereotypes of autism being only in children especially only in boys, churches or at least St George's tend to have zero empathy for autistic adults or young adults. Is there a way you could send that paper to your church or have you now left and found somewhere happier?
As for me, now that I've been blocked by St George's and Christ Church Southwark, there's no way I can get this paper to them, since I can't even ask for a blessing. I can only hope that I'll finish my degree in London despite the constant death-wishes and pursue a post-grad degree in Oxford where the churches hopefully would've read that paper and be more understanding.
My prayers are with your son and as you're a church-goer so presumably religious, please pray for me too. I've found no recourse at all in trying to make a new start, only more abandonment, ghosting and denial. And I thought Lent was all about forgiveness and reconciliation...
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through, and the closure of churches due to the Covid-19 virus certainly can't be helping. I hope you will hear back from St Luke's, and that they will have a supportive attitude. What you've experienced at St George's isn't how church is supposed to work, and certainly isn't a Christian response to someone in need.
The rector of St Georges could probably learn a lot from reading the Diocese of Oxford's guidelines on "Welcoming and Including Autistic people in our Churches and Communities", I found it online, it's written by an autistic Christian. (My son, who has ASD, was bullied at our local church, and received very little support or understanding there, and I wish the people responsible had read this too.)
Best wishes.
I've missed church for a couple of months due to illness and it was kind of my calm place. I was up there helping, at sermons etc many times a week. I've been looking up hymns on you tube and I know Canterbury cathedral has a live service Sunday on facebook. It's not perfect but we have to take what little we can right now to get through. All the best
That's so frustrating. Hopefully St Luke's will be more supportive.
Thanks so much. I haven't heard back from St Luke's but I now know for sure there's been some kind of directive against me in my current Diocese, as I tried to join the Whatsapp group of the church nearest to me (through an invite link through the parish e-newsletter extended to all who live/work in the area) and the next day was removed by the priest. When I messaged him privately to ask why, he blocked me (profile picture no longer visible). Hope to hear back from St Luke's soon.
Glad you managed to get some contact details. Hope you hear from him soon. In the meantime, feel free to contact us here if you ever want to chat.
Just to update you that I've taken your advice and called up St Luke's/CC who gave me the email of the priest there that I already know. I tried to text him days ago but got no reply. So now I've sent him an email asking for ways to get involved / join the church remotely. Fingers crossed that he replies soon! Thanks again