Published on 12, July, 2020
So I got diagnosed last year at 32 and even though it has answered a lot of question and explained why I react a certain way to things, I’m finding it very difficult to see the positives of having it.
What I mean by this I don’t seem to have any of the positive/useful sides of aspergers, I don’t have hyper focus, well I do but it’s never directed at anything useful, more like a want to play on my pc, I really want to play on my pc, I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO PLAY MY PC! Lol. Also my memory sucks, like I’m always reading/hearing how fellow aspies have a super subject or special interests that they obsess over and know everything about said subjects and can draw on facts about said subject on demand. I lack this, in fact I find it very hard to retain information, I’ll have to repeat a 5 item long shopping list over and over and over from being told what the items are I need to buy up until paying for them. And this goes with everything, making learning something new very difficult.
I have all the negatives though, the social anxieties, the overthinking/over analysing, procrastinating, avoidance, and the many more that come with the condition and it’s really getting me down and making life very difficult. I want to be more than someone who’s on benefits and struggles with everyday simple tasks like bathing, eating, or even just getting out of bed. I want to add just something to the world, I want an ASPERGERS SUPER SKILL! Instead I have nothing, absolutely nothing!
Ha. i hear you. I'm like you. My ASC superpower is still...missing. Same place as my cape I guess. I was watching a vid about gamers on the spectrum. This guy knew all the strategies, moves, abilities, stats...He was amazing. Computer games may be my special interest but for the most part i'm crap at them. I want to be that guys so bad it hurts. Instead I have the ability to: experience the equivalent of hysterical blindness when there is too much going on on the screen, spend years (YEARS) aiming wrong until my son said "you know, you should use the reticle instead of aiming down the barrel", have my headphones back to front for years meaning all my sound queues mixed me up, performed so badly during a raid that there is an actual joke named after me.
Like you I'm trying to pull some positives out of the whole experience but as far as I can tell being alive for 45 years is my greatest accomplishment. Take the small victories...
This made me laugh.
Sometimes I congratulate myself on still being alive too.
I get obsessed by things like TV shows - not useful at all... especially as Telly Addicts finished about 25 years ago. I've always considered myself a jack of all trades, master of none.
The one thing that seems to apply for all autistic people that I've come across is the lack of slyness. We might make mistakes and accidentally offend but generally it's a genuine mistake. I'm not sure if being inherently kind actually helps me at all, as I get walked all over, but at least I can live with myself.
My other favourite autistic quality that I have is being able to find the joy/interest in things that most NTs see as boring. I can watch an insect for ages or a river. I spot little things that others miss.
Again, not helpful for fitting in or "getting ahead" but they make life a bit nicer.
I get so overwhelmed with all the negative stuff and my anxieties that I tend to miss the little things, wish I could just switch off and see the beauty in everything.