Published on 12, July, 2020
My husband and I have struggled throughout our relationship of 10 years and each time we end up with a situation where he ends up leaving. Sometimes he leaves for just a couple of months, other times he can leave for 6 months. After having some problems recently, he was seen by a psychiatrist who has said he probably is ASD as he scored 10/10 on the initial assessment but now needs to be referred for further assessments.
I've read a lot about masking and the emotional tiredness that comes from doing this. He seems to be suggesting he thinks he needs to isolate and go and live away from us, but says he needs to work out what he wants. This is very hard on me and our young children as it makes me feel very insecure. He says he loves me, but then if he does, what does he need to work out? He keeps suggesting he wants to run away and escape.
Is this normal for ASD and is there anything that can be done to help him recover sooner or to prevent things like this from happening in the first place?
What does he do when he's away? Is he self-sufficient? Is he happy being away? What brings him back?
The first time he left me after about a year of us dating (9 years ago) and we were living together so I had to go and stay with my parents and then found my own flat... he came back 6 months later saying he realised he loved me and wanted to be with me. Said he was sorry and it would never happen again. We didn't know about ASD back then.
We then had quite a busy few years, weddings, babies etc. He left me when I was pregnant with my second baby, I had a toddler at home crying for his dad and I had severe morning sickness and was almost admitted into hospital because of the anxiety at being left I wasn't eating and then all the vomiting etc. I had a terrible time and thought he wouldn't come back. He says he resents me for making him feel bad about this as apparently I wasn't supportive enough of him - when quite frankly I was living every day vomiting, trying to avoid hospital and trying to care for a 2 year old and unable to cook or even move much. It was awful. So I greatly resent being told I wasn't doing enough for him. Here he went and rented a house for several months... I assume he was happy being away, he kept in touch to see our eldest but we very much lived like a divorced couple. He had him stay in his rental a few times a week and we did nothing together. I've since found out he was doing drugs at the time, but again he thinks this was due to his ASD. I believe he just found it easier to do drugs in another house... but maybe its a mix of the both. He came back this time but says he came back in order to see the baby be born and that he rushed back because of that. Although he's only told me that recently, at the time he said he wanted to come back and everything was fine again etc.
After the baby was born he stayed with us for 2 years, but was very distant, not really around and acting oddly. I found out about the drugs which he continued while back home and he went to rehab for a couple of months. Here is where he found out about the ASD and he thinks he has been taking drugs to escape. Now he is clean but living with his parents and doesn't want to come back for the reasons I've stated above.
He is always self sufficient when he is away as he knows I will look after the kids, and he has a good job and lots of savings. He isn't acting particularly happy while he's away but I assume he must be since he's choosing this? So far he hasn't come back this time, but he is still messaging me... I think he feels guilt maybe at being away but not enough to come back... maybe he does want to end the relationship and can't bring himself to. Although I've asked him this and he says he still loves me but is burnt out from the relationship and needs space to think. He assures me its not to think about whether he wants the relationship, but can't tell me what it is he wants to think about.
Yes, I kind of made a vow to myself 20 odd years ago after I first took the AQ and realised why I am as I am - that I would treat the needs of ND and NT partners or friends equally and try to beware of ASD becoming an excuse for questionable behaviour - that both individuals needed to adapt equally to make it work. I have to say, I'm ASD and managed to raise a child mostly single-handed with a little help from my friends whilst finishing postgrad then working to support us through thick and thin, ducking, weaving, alternating between freelance and PAYE as any particular job became unbearable, sometimes 'flaking' for a few months to recover - but picking up responsibilities somehow. The older I get, the harder it is as I have less and less energy - and the outside world is getting tougher and tougher to deal with. Still, if someone needs me I just get through it and flop in my 'woman cave' after the 'all-clear' has sounded to withdraw and recover. I suspect men have less exigency laid upon them to just bloody cope and have to find it within their characters or upbringing to step up. Then again, if one has got married in good faith to an NT without knowing that one is ASD then it's likely to be a stressful, frustrating and baffling experience to all concerned. It definitely has to be a two-way negotiation of needs in the clear light of understanding what being ND or NT entails - and ASD peeps have to make up their mind whether it's easier having space but coping with loneliness or having emotional support and coping with overload. NTs need to figure out whether their spouse's good qualities make it worth the effort of self-analysis and negotiating something that works for both - and maybe letting go of some of the 'normal' expectations of an 'adult' lifestyle - or whether they prefer taking on responsibility for both kids and household economy single-handed and just boot him/her out. A spouse is for life, not just for Christmas
The use of past tense sounds positive.
. said:My ASC means that I am not always able to articulate my needs and wants, at times when I do they are not picked up on as I tentatively express and am not always direct enough for fear of offending or quickly give up and negate myself if what I have expressed is not immediately understood... or I feel I am not of sufficient worth to be considered anyhow.
I got stuck in that trap.
ASD peeps have to make up their mind whether it's easier having space but coping with loneliness or having emotional support and coping with overload. NTs need to figure out whether their spouse's good qualities make it worth the effort of self-analysis and negotiating something that works for both
Very much agreed. I have always been in relationships where I feel that I have contributed a great deal in a practical way (having a job that enables the bills to be paid, being a domestic goddess (!) and mother, being able to be organised enough to facilitate and support others).
I have been loyal and hardworking but, the compromise in that is that I need others to be mindful that the above takes its toll, and need consideration of that.
My ASC means that I am not always able to articulate my needs and wants, at times when I do they are not picked up on as I tentatively express and am not always direct enough for fear of offending or quickly give up and negate myself if what I have expressed is not immediately understood... or I feel I am not of sufficient worth to be considered anyhow.
As a result, you can probably guess what happens next... either self-isolation or burnout, or the internalisation of self with occasional externalisation of distress or frustration.