Published on 12, July, 2020
My husband and I have struggled throughout our relationship of 10 years and each time we end up with a situation where he ends up leaving. Sometimes he leaves for just a couple of months, other times he can leave for 6 months. After having some problems recently, he was seen by a psychiatrist who has said he probably is ASD as he scored 10/10 on the initial assessment but now needs to be referred for further assessments.
I've read a lot about masking and the emotional tiredness that comes from doing this. He seems to be suggesting he thinks he needs to isolate and go and live away from us, but says he needs to work out what he wants. This is very hard on me and our young children as it makes me feel very insecure. He says he loves me, but then if he does, what does he need to work out? He keeps suggesting he wants to run away and escape.
Is this normal for ASD and is there anything that can be done to help him recover sooner or to prevent things like this from happening in the first place?
What does he do when he's away? Is he self-sufficient? Is he happy being away? What brings him back?
The first time he left me after about a year of us dating (9 years ago) and we were living together so I had to go and stay with my parents and then found my own flat... he came back 6 months later saying he realised he loved me and wanted to be with me. Said he was sorry and it would never happen again. We didn't know about ASD back then.
We then had quite a busy few years, weddings, babies etc. He left me when I was pregnant with my second baby, I had a toddler at home crying for his dad and I had severe morning sickness and was almost admitted into hospital because of the anxiety at being left I wasn't eating and then all the vomiting etc. I had a terrible time and thought he wouldn't come back. He says he resents me for making him feel bad about this as apparently I wasn't supportive enough of him - when quite frankly I was living every day vomiting, trying to avoid hospital and trying to care for a 2 year old and unable to cook or even move much. It was awful. So I greatly resent being told I wasn't doing enough for him. Here he went and rented a house for several months... I assume he was happy being away, he kept in touch to see our eldest but we very much lived like a divorced couple. He had him stay in his rental a few times a week and we did nothing together. I've since found out he was doing drugs at the time, but again he thinks this was due to his ASD. I believe he just found it easier to do drugs in another house... but maybe its a mix of the both. He came back this time but says he came back in order to see the baby be born and that he rushed back because of that. Although he's only told me that recently, at the time he said he wanted to come back and everything was fine again etc.
After the baby was born he stayed with us for 2 years, but was very distant, not really around and acting oddly. I found out about the drugs which he continued while back home and he went to rehab for a couple of months. Here is where he found out about the ASD and he thinks he has been taking drugs to escape. Now he is clean but living with his parents and doesn't want to come back for the reasons I've stated above.
He is always self sufficient when he is away as he knows I will look after the kids, and he has a good job and lots of savings. He isn't acting particularly happy while he's away but I assume he must be since he's choosing this? So far he hasn't come back this time, but he is still messaging me... I think he feels guilt maybe at being away but not enough to come back... maybe he does want to end the relationship and can't bring himself to. Although I've asked him this and he says he still loves me but is burnt out from the relationship and needs space to think. He assures me its not to think about whether he wants the relationship, but can't tell me what it is he wants to think about.
This might not come across as I mean it - but it sounds like he's still a child inside. And he gets to be mothered wherever he goes and if he's being naughty doing drugs, he just hides from everyone - like an 8-year old.
It seems like he doesn't have the adult skills to deal with the responsibility of children so just flakes out when the going gets tough - expecting everyone else to just accept his unbelievably selfish behaviour.
Unfortunately, everyone has been accepting it and it's been going on for so long that it's now his 'normal'. Why would he change?
What do his parents say when he turns up on their doorstep? They seem to be enabling his behaviours - or is the alternative that he just blows money on renting himself a drug den?
He seems to live the perfect life without any responsibility.
^^^^This, so, so much!
My wife has learned quite a lot about this.Recently we were cooking together and she needed to go to the loo. She said "Would you stir that for a bit?", started walking to the loo, stopped, came back, and then said "Forget that. Please stir that continuously until I return!".She knew that if she hadn't corrected herself, I would likely have given it a stir for 20 seconds, got bored and wandered off.
I'm going to suggest both... but I'm only newly diagnosed so I'm making my way up the learning curve myself!
I think in my past I relied on the 'pressure/anxiety-release' method i.e. reach 'critical' and need to go out and ride/run hard to burn off the stress, but I'm starting to understand that a healthier and more sustainable approach will be to understand what causes the pressure and find ways to handle it better in the first place.
Plus, for my wife's sanity she's needing to gain understanding of what it means to have ASD and be the partner of someone with ASD and the small ways she can change to make things easier for both of us - an example being to explicitly ask me to do something rather than do it obliquely a recent example:
Her: "Would you like to drive home?"
Me: "Not really..."
Her: <huffy> "I drove here... you know I don't like driving at night!"
Me: "Did you mean "Will you drive home please? I don't like driving at night"
Her: "Yes"
Me: "Of course... why didn't you just say that in the first place?"
Her: "..."
Thansk Neekby. How would he address this long term? Is it a case of therapy or just making sure he takes more time out before it gets this bad?
It's likely that he's masking hard all the time at work and isn't allowed/able to escape the sources of anxiety or display the traits... so all that gets bottled-up and then let out when he gets home (I'm speaking from experience) with you then feeling like his punchbag...
If that's the case then he needs to address that, which should mean less need to decompress when he comes home, less need to self-medicate to 'numb the pain' (drugs/booze etc.), less need to 'get away' from you and the kids.
It seems common that 'high functioning' people with ASD can 'get by' for years but the load gradually builds until some kind of breaking point is reached...
If nothing is done to address the root causes this will be a never-ending cycle...
Work is controlled stress - he knows what he's in for - and if he's good at it, it's a different kind of stress than dealing with the chaos of relationships & people.
It's going to be really hard for you to let go of all the anger within every time you see him and he might be seeing it all as too difficult to deal with - so he concentrates on what he can deal with in the instant - working.
He probably loves you - but there's so much tension that he has no way to sort out the huge mess that it's all become.
Are you able to off-load the kids for a weekend and indulge him in one of his hobbies somewhere - so he's preoccupied with the activity and maybe ask him how he would like things to be - get him to open up without getting angry or blowing up - this will be really hard for you.
Maybe get him to write it all down so he doesn't feel pressured into giving instant 'right' answers. Ask him how he sees the long term - what would be his ideal plan for the future.
Take all emotion out of it - treat it like planning a holiday. Get him to solve the technical problem of how he wants to live - and then figure out a way where his needs are met equally to your own within that plan. Again - keep the emotion out of it if you can - it will only frighten him away.
You might find that he's unable to approach you knowing the damage he's done - so you might need to tease it out of him.
You have to think of your needs too though. Would it be more difficult to have him in and out of your life all the time or to actually live apart without the uncertainty? What is going to make your life easier?