Published on 12, July, 2020
Various descriptions of ASD suggest people with autism are not capable of envy or jealousy, or understanding this response. Having not fitted in and made many shameful mistakes socially (and publicly), I now try to avoid people. Ive become jealous and bitter towards new people, and people from my past, They remind me of my shortcomings. Starting a new job recently (open plan office, group bonding exercises etc) there are young confident people ( I know that this is not a bad thing to be, young and confident..) and I feel like I am talked to like a child. I’m not confidently taking responsibility and generally come across as a mature ‘waster’. I have some handle on how I present myself but I feel very resentful, jealous, and ashamed. This is nothing new. I acknowledge this can only ‘eat you up on the inside’. It would be helpful to hear from anyone that has experienced this and have found ways to manage feelings of inadequacy? Something positive?
these feelings, insecurity and jealousy, are so bad that I can’t visit my family in the town I grew up in as I’m scared I will meet people from my past, who have moved on in life(kids, partner security).
I do identify with some traits of avoidant personality disorder but I believe this is a result of (indirect) bullying from a young age and just not fitting in.
(Edited in an attempt to fix the grammar)
I'm not sure it really is jealousy, although insecurity is probably correct.
I have felt resentful on a few occasions knowing that colleagues with less knowledge/experience than me were getting paid more than me, or that someone was able to buy a house which I couldn't afford when I had spent more years working just as hard as they do. But I see that as the result of living in an unjust world, not jealousy. Unfortunately we aren't all born equal, with the same fortunes and opportunities. And we don't all have the same personalities, drives, ambitions, and ways of thinking.
I understand now that I'm unique. I no longer care what others think of me, as their opinions are no more valid than mine are and I think I've coped as well as I could have, considering.I focus on what drives me and what makes me happy, and it's not conforming to any socially constructed "standard" of what my life should be like.
I'm a middle aged intelligent woman and so it might be expected that I went to university, that I would have a management job, that I own a house, drive a car, have a family, like going out with other women my age. None of that is true. I work part time in a non management role. I rent a flat. I get the bus to work. I underachieved at school due to being overwhelmed in a classroom situation. But I have studied using distance learning as an adult and enjoyed learning that way. I have gained an NVQ (equivalent to 2 A Levels) and an OU diploma (first year degree level) using that method, which were great achievements for me. I only compete with myself, not others.
I don't know what interests you or inspires you, but I 'd suggest you try focussing on your own interests and using your own unique skills. Are you in the right role for you? Would you be interested in taking a course or retraining? Perhaps you could join a club or society that interests you, giving you the opportunity to discuss things you enjoy with like minded people? All these options have the potential to raise your self esteem and lower your feelings of insecurity. I'm sure you don't really want to be an "office clone" just to fit in.
Thank you Pixiefox. I am not in the right role, it’s very much a ‘needs must’ position for now. I did work in a field that I felt strongly about but couldn’t sustain the mask and hide my intellectual short comings. I can see that you are right, focus on what I can do rather than what I can’t. It would be wonderful to immerse myself in something I could enjoy. It’s
One day I hope to be where you are, free from other people opinions and applying myself and my skills. There are times I have believed I am there but then I go in to work...transported back to school where other people’s opinions seem to matter. I’m on the lookout for something that doesn’t trigger that.
Thanks for the motivational words.