Going around in circles

Self care is so necessary you are doing the right thing, work isn't the be all and end all. Commuting is hard going I did it for 2 years an hour there and an hour home, after a night shift, it was a killer....

I do need to but my mental health is more important, I'm taking quite a big cut but if I didn't cut my hours I'd be unable to work at all due to burnout.

That must be really difficult. People that I've worked with who retired did so gradually, so going down to 4 days, then 3, before leaving completely. It must be a really difficult transition. There's one person in particular who retired but still came to our monthly team lunch and I always enjoyed that. Its difficult to live with guilt but I'm sure your family appreciate everything you've done and are doing to support them :) I do my best to live in the present rather than re-thinking past decisions or worrying about the future. A lot easier said than done (!) But I believe it does reduce guilt/worry by living in the moment.

I was in the same job for 40 years, which was a very big problem when it came to an end as I am not coping at all well with retirement despite a good income and lovely family - who I feel guilty now for not doing more with during my working years

Just to add, the only people I feel totally comfortable with are other autistic people (I only know a couple) or some of people I've known for a really long time

I know what you mean. Some people I can feel fairly relaxed with and can talk to, but others I just can't figure them out and it never feels comfortable. I end up either not talking, using one word answers or just smiling to get through. Then they'll always say "you don't talk much do you" and that makes it worse! Or sometimes I'll try and talk more, but it's met with laughter sometimes and I have no clue if this is because it's funny, or they're laughing at me because it's stupid, none of it makes any sense! So then I just give up and talk even less. But then I get accused of being "offish" or antisocial. It's like you can't win :p

It's funny how my autistic traits always feel more apparent when the clients aren't there, and it's just me with the other staff.  I feel awkward.  I never know quite what to say or when to say it.  But when the clients arrive, it's like I walk through into their bubble and I feel relaxed and more my natural self.  It's like I can leave the 'act' behind and just be me.  People have commented in the past about how different I seem to be when I'm engaged with the clients.  It's like they bring something out.  Or they simply enable me because of their unconditional acceptance of me.  I don't feel threatened by them, either - even if they have challenging behaviours.  Even with people I'm quite friendly with at work (staff), I never feel completely relaxed.  Maybe that comes from a lifetime of finding other people to be indifferent towards me at best, or hostile towards me at worst.

I do find work rewarding - starting out with a drawing, then watching it being built, and seeing the difference that new infrastructure makes to society. It's the actual day-to-day managing of people that I can't do and I find it frustrating that it's so difficult even just to have a telephone conversation. Something that should be so easy and that everyone does without a second thought, but fills me with such anxiety it takes me all day to build up the courage to call someone. Ideally I want to be in a position where I can make real change in the industry, and create infrastructure that is inclusive for everyone and enhances our environment rather than detracting from it, but I think I have to accept I don't have the skills that would enable me to get to a position like that to make those changes. Whatever you do you have to work with people on some level. I suppose it's whether I can keep the resilience of going forward to reach that goal, or whether I "give in" and opt for a much easier, but equally rewarding, type of life of creating gardens and spending time with my cats rather than people. 

If it’s rewardimg then - cool you’ve made it. 

My my work is exhausting to but in an inspiring way. I am on stage teaching swimming - my way in my school and then off stage in a workshop airbrushing and intricately hyperfocusing on small detailed items. 

Whats the point of trying to squeeze through a round hole if you’re square? It’s futile and being diagnosed means that that is that. I’m square, the world is round. 

It is because they have their love and awe and wonder at normal everyday things taken away from them by lowly thinking NTs - at school, work and society in general. 

School teaches us to be poor. To think like poor people. Look at Alan Sugar. He has the same expression in his face as the homeless guy in town. He’s a poor man. He thinks poor. 

I tried a few things and failed but I just kept plugging away and finally it all came together.

Especially clever - we all are it’s just because you’re cleverness is not framed in an ornate piece of social convention doesn’t mean you’re not clever. 

Nothing money wise, beats making your own with your own idea and strategy. 

I would do it if I could, Wavey, and I've certainly tried.  But I haven't been able to make a go of it.

You seem to be saying that once you have made up your mind that you cannot work full time, and you also cannot work with people who are more concerned about social rank, social convention, banter, etc., then making your own money from your own idea and strategy will somehow just fall into place because it is the only option.

Why is it, then, that so many autistic people, who might have huge capabilities and talents, make little or no income from work?  Are they simply not smart enough?

Sorry... I don't quite follow your reasoning on this.  Forgive me if I'm misunderstanding it somehow.

I find my work exhausting, but mainly because of what you might call the 'social factor' of having to deal with colleagues.  On the other hand, it is immensely rewarding work.  Like I said, once the 'service users' arrive (I prefer to think of them as 'my people'), I'm in their world for the day, so my interaction with colleagues is minimised.  In many senses, they become less important.  Which isn't to say I dislike them in any way.  They're generally great people, who are there to do a difficult and badly-paid job - largely because they genuinely care for the vulnerable.  I still find them more tiring to be around, though, because I never seem to quite 'mesh' with the things they like to talk about.  I don't pick up their social cues.  I can see and hear them communicating, but I still can't figure out exactly what's going on in how they do it.  This has always been the case, though.  Many of the service users are either blind or partially-sighted, or have limited hearing or speech, or have autism and learning disabilities, so I find communication with them to be so much easier to handle.

Only hard workers work full time Smart workers don’t need to. :)

Does that mean that I'm not smart? Maybe I'm not.  I think I fall into that large category, perhaps, of 'middling' autistic people who are neither inhibited by learning disabilities, nor are especially clever in a field that enables them to make a decent income from a special interest (which may involve working independently of others).  I had no choice with this job.  The contract was for 35 hours a week.  And I wanted to go back there to work because it was one of the few places in my working life where I felt happy and settled.  I no longer have to commute, too, which is a big bonus.  Also, I feel respected there, which makes a huge difference.

Once I've been there a little while, and they can see that I'm good at my job (which is why they took me back, anyway), then maybe I'll negotiate with them over hours.  The problem is I have to balance my income with my expenditure, naturally, and fewer hours may make things a bit tighter financially.

I've already refused point-blank to work any extra hours unless absolutely necessary - and certainly not extra shifts.  I was asked in the week if I would mind doing a few hours over the weekend.  I said 'no'.  Full stop.  I need the time off to recharge.  I work to live, I don't live to work.

Only hard workers work full time Smart workers don’t need to. :)

My answer - don’t work for another’s idea or goal Ever. Unless you’re helping them. 

I havn’t work for anyone else for 15 years. Nothing money wise, beats making your own with your own idea and strategy. 

I simply cant work for people who are more concerned about - social rank, social convention, banter, framing effects of rubbish. 

Really NTs are not worth working for - they work Hard not Smart and they are virtually All miserable in thier jobs and usually they will lie to you and tell you they love spending thier life fuelling someone else’s ideas and plans. 

Not sure I could go back to working 5 days, no wonder your exhausted

Go for it! Mine would be dog walking but I think that's something I'd take up when I'm nearer to retirement age.

I used to have grand ideas about changing the world but now I wonder what the point of it all is.

Haha!  Me, too.  I always wanted to write a best-selling novel.  Now, when I look at some of the best-sellers, I know I'd never want to write anything like that!  Money's not really my motivation, either.  The more you have, the more you need.  At least, at the level of income I'm on, I'm used to living cheaply.  I can't really go any further down the income scale.  Whereas if I'd been used to a high income, I'd be really struggling on what I get now.

I'm happy, too, sitting at home with my cat.  Writing my unsaleable stories...

Unfortunately civil engineers work on a much lower pay scale than in software developers :p Not that money has ever been my motivation. I used to have grand ideas about changing the world but now I wonder what the point of it all is. I don't think I'm really cut out for the corporate world and I'd rather be sat at home with my cats. But as I mentioned above, this is my last attempt at making it work :)