I am potentially at huge risk from midday, next Wednesday. If you only had 5 days left to BE, to EXIST, what would you do?
BlueRay said:As for Elli, I'm doing as much for her as I can right now, if I was to start worrying, I'd never get anything done and I'd be of no help or support to her but as it is, it looks like I'll be able to get up to see her very soon.
Yes, and being incredibly lovely and helpful :) - I usually have a clear and logical head.... but sometimes if my logic seems to fail me or a clear view is not seen...then I can panic a bit!
Lots of anxiety dreams last night... clear attempts this morning to move things forward...
the wave and the undertow.... :)
BlueRay said:And why not enjoy every day you have on this planet as we never know which one will be our last?
Because life simply isn't like that for huge numbers of people. Why would people commit suicide if every day of their lives was enjoyable?
It is regarding the following:
one word...PANIC... I'm getting there and being strong... but there is a FEAR factor :) - ---- and a son to keep safe x
If I was in your shoes right now ~ which I never would be because I could never fill those elephant boots ~ I'd be a mess ~ you're doing amazingly well and how you keep your head as clear as you do I will never know, you're amazing and it would be more than acceptable for you to panic a bit now and again.
Funnily enough (I don't know why I use that phrase because it's not really funny at all') ~ I had a dream/nightmare about the ex narc last night! I tried to go back into it (the dream) and change the outcome which I think I did, but I think it's more to do with me thinking about you. I know I tend to look more to the future and all the positives etc but I still remember what it was like when I was going through it and I don't want anybody to go through that, especially not our Ellie and in many ways I wish I was in a stronger position to be able to do more but not because you can't handle it, because I know you can, you're strong, but just to give the equivalent of a friendly hug and a bit of friendly support X
I'm thinking of scrapping the idea of getting my car back on the road because I don't want to stop walking everywhere so instead I'm considering hiring a car when I need one which I reckon will work out cheaper than paying tax n test etc for the whole year. It won't be long before I can make my way up the country and give you an aspie hug - or we could end up like this -
Life is the same for everybody, there isn't one life for one person and another for somebody else. Everybody who is alive has life in them and even if somebody had a gun to their head, they can still choose how to feel in that moment. Granted, we all choose to live our lives in different ways, so from the outside, our lives may all look different but we all have the same life and the same choice as to whether we enjoy it or not. People commit suicide for all sorts of different reasons, usually, I would guess, because they're not in their right mind, or they're ill and they decide they would rather be dead than live with the illness. I suppose, thinking about it now, it comes down to whether we're in control of our minds or not. If we're in control of our minds, we can choose how we want to feel but if we're not in control of our minds then I guess we're at the mercy of outside influences and so we feel however other people want us to feel or we let our outer circumstances dictacte how we feel. I guess that's what you're talking about, some people live their lives from the outside in so they have no choice as to how they feel and some people live their lives from the inside out and choose how they will feel.
Worrying is the most pointless thing in the world. But it is not something that I can just stop. I have tried. It doesn't work. Some people may have more control over their thought processes. I do not. Trust me, if I could stop myself from worrying, I would.
And yes it would be nice if we could enjoy every day on this planet. But I do have to think about things like mortgages and bills and other things which if I knew I only had 5 days to live, I wouldn't care about. I'd just spend all the money I wanted.
I cannot afford to do some of the things I really want to every day of my life. I'd end up bankrupt and homeless. I will do these things at times in my life. But they will be amazing moments. I can't do them every day.
I like everyone else here are really concerned about you Ellie! You need to find a safe refuge somewhere for yourself and your lad very soon. Not sure what else to say other than that people here care and support you, try to be logical and strong and get yourself and your lad out of potential danger. ((()))
Why do you have to think about things like mortgages and bills? It seems bizarre. I usually just pay them, or not, and leave it there. I don’t even know how I’d think about them ~ I’m trying now and I don’t know how to do it, nothings happening
I’ll see if I can find a thought process you can use to help you stop worrying, I think I’ve even got it in video form if you would prefer that? Either one, if practiced, will stop you from worrying.
Can you only enjoy life when you’re doing amazing things? If you believe that, then maybe that’s the reason you don’t enjoy every moment of your life? And it sounds like you would consider being homeless and bankrupt a reason not to enjoy life? At least you wouldn’t have to think about mortgages and bills.
Because I have to make sure I have enough money each month to pay them. So yes that is something I would think about.
You say you don't know how to think about things like that and you try and nothing happens. Well the same would be said for me and trying not to worry. Everybody's brains work differently and for some they may be able to change their thought processes. For me that is very difficult.
I'm not saying I don't enjoy any other day in my life but I would get considerably more enjoyment out of doing some of the things that I really want to do one day.
And yes I would certainly see being homeless and bankrupt as a reason not to enjoy life. How could you possibly enjoy that situation?
I really hope this situation improves for you. I can't imagine how difficult it must be.