Social Skills - What do you think?

Maybe.  Maybe not.  I think it came home to me a little when I recorded a session I had with a medium who visited me last year.  I felt I handed the exchange - the conversational pleasantries, etc - very well.  When I played it back later, though, I realised so much.  I talked far too much, interrupted, didn't answer questions properly - or went into long digressions that took us away from the point.  As I listened, I kept saying 'For goodness sakes, just SHUT UP!'  It was obvious, too, that I was boring the woman silly.  Even short questions led to endless, directionless rambles...

Yes you've explained it well. I think that was what I was wondering really. If I made the effort to try and improve would it always be that feeling of effort and artificialness. It would it one day become instinctive?

I'm not good with the eye contact or smiling bit. I think I'm quite good at the nodding bit. Problem is sometimes I drift off into my own world and don't listen but carry on nodding. I would probably notice the hints but I don't tend to pick up on what stuff like that means. 

I laughed so hard at the teddy scenario my stomach hurts. But yes that's exactly it. I don't want people to talk back unless it's about something I'm interested in.

I don't completely hate all social situations though. I like doing things like playing games and watching films. I just get really annoyed when people talk through them. But then I get called antisocial. I think talking through a game is antisocial but there we go.

I'm not entirely sure what I want. I think I was interested to see what people think really. I don't want to become completely isolated from other people. I only socialise occasionally, it's not regular but I do feel low if I avoid people altogether. But then I worry that people are just getting really irritated with me all the time.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just socialising with the wrong people but I do get on with them, I just find situations difficult. The problem is, when it goes well I feel better for socialising. When it doesn't go well I feel rubbish.

I don't have any autistic friends to make a comparison with.

I don’t know the one about dropping hints and I wouldn’t pick them up anyway nor would I want to. 

• I either interrupt conversation and annoy people or can't find a way of entering the conversation (I also get very impatient if I have something to say and can't straight away)
• I misinterpret jokes and give a straight answer or overreact or I attempt to joke and am misinterpreted
• I find it very frustrating if others keep making small talk throughout an activity, like continually stopping in the middle of a game or talking over a film
• I get bored very easily and so can struggle with typical adult social time e.g. just sitting round talking and tend to start annoying people
• I will talk at length about something I want to talk about even if the other people aren't interested, I find it really difficult to stop even if I am aware the other person is getting fed up

Pretty much the same with me.  I've learned through listening and observation, and can follow the 'rules' to a certain extent.  But it never feels natural.  It's a bit like learning the rules of social etiquette: how to hold a cup, how to address the Queen, which knives and spoons to use and all that palaver.  I can go along with it.  But it all feels a little artificial and pointless.

NTs seem to know it instinctively.  Like some people are naturally talented at music, or art.  They can do without seeming effort what we need to practice long and hard at... and still make mistakes at.  That's how I see it, anyway.

I did exaggerate I bit.  I know some of the rules.  When someone wants to talk about something, they drop hints and wait for you to ask them about the subject.

Other rules are, maintain eye contact, or at least look at the person you're speaking to, smile , nod, end conversation with a polite ending, don't just walk off abruptly without a word.

Unfortunately in my family I was never taught these social niceties.

One thing my assessor said was that I don't really do 2 way conversation.

... my assessor said this to me after I asked him why he started talking about an experience he had had in a place I just mentioned. I said I hate it when that happens! He said, that’s because you’re autistic and don’t do two way conversations! 

I don’t! I hate them. The only thing I really want to do with nt’s, is line them up like I would my teddies, and talk to them, without them answering back. Unless we’re duscussing one of my special interests and they have something interesting to say, then I’ll listen. But otherwise, I’m just not interested. It’s not in my make up so why would I want to learn how to do it? 

I’ve learned enough to not only get by, but to exceed, but at the cost of my health and well being and sanity. So it’s not something I’m interested in any more.

I share all your ways of communication and now I understand them I don’t see them as a problem at all. It depends on what you want. Do you want to learn to be more successful at social interactions with people you have little to no interest in and is the achievement of such a goal worth all the effort to you? If it is, go for it. It’s possible to learn anything we put our heart and soul into. I doubt you’de have much time left for much else in your life though. It would pretty much be a full time job learning how to interact like others when it goes against your nature but if your reason for doing it is big enough, it will be with the effort and I’m sure you would achieve it. 

I love, on the other hand, the conversations and interactions I have with my autistic friends. They’re so random and we don’t tend to do that two way thing. We talk over each other and interrupt each other, but none of us bats an eye at this, because this is just how we do it. I’ve even started to be able to read their body language! Ok, I have only learned one thing with one person but it’s like it came naturally. And far from exhausting me it made me feel really happy, energised and proud of myself.

So for me, it’s a no brainer. I make sure that the time I do spend with people, is largely with autistic people.  

Well I really wish I'd asked that at the time but my mind was reeling. I'm guessing the fact that you are supposed to take turns to keep the conversation going. He was talking about the fact that say someone asks me a question. I will answer it. But I don't ask them back. 

One thing my assessor said was that I don't really do 2 way conversation. He then added you probably know the rules but it is not something that comes naturally to you.

You seem better than me.  My reaction would be, what rules?