Published on 12, July, 2020
I know the title is an obvious statement from someone with Autism, however I've been struggling more than ever lately.
I just want to be left alone. I only like the company from my dad or my partner or animals. Anyone else I do not want.
I feel frustrated when someone speaks to me, I am polite to people and pretend I'm interested however deep down I wish they would leave me be because socialising tires me out.
My boyfriend has been spending far far too much time with his parents, they are nice people but SOOO annoying!! His dad is very grumpy. His mum is such an over the top extrovert, everything has to be HER way and she's always taking photos of us every 2 seconds to show off on facebook and I am sick of it. I can't stand extroverts I'm sorry.
And I am feeling more distressed because my mum keeps pressuring me to organise a get together with my boyfriend's parents and I don't want to. I simply cannot cope with big family get-togethers, I'm sorry but I am really not interested in them.
I have to go to a family birthday party next weekend and I am anxious as hell!! I've made too many "I'm ill" excuses to get out of them in the past and I know I can't get out of this one. In fact most of the time they have just not invited me in the first place because they are embarrassed of me. It's horrible because this side of the family are extremely religious Christians (the bigot kind not the nice kind) and my grandparents are so rude and tactless and say blunt and hurtful things. And they will be sucking up to my sister the whole time who isn't Autistic and has achieved everything in life that I could never achieve. I'm dreading it. I kinda want to pretend I'm dead and sadly I'm not joking.
It sucks because my family look down on me for my diagnosis, so most of the time I've tried to wind them up even more by rebelling and doing things I know would make them absolutely furious as a means of coping. I know that sounds silly but I don't know how to explain it, but it just helps. They resent me so I resent them back.
How on earth do I cope at all these GOD AWFUL family meet ups eurgh. I honestly don't mean to sound ungrateful for my family - but you can't help it when they are so rude and disrespectful especially towards my diagnosis.
@moolyhoops I know exactly what you mean, my family treats me like a weird intrusion at family gatherings and I found my own behaviour getting tangled up with their negative expectations when I was young. I've learned to separate my sense of self somewhat and lost the urge to fulfil their prophesy that I'm mad and bad. My sister is really kind but even she behaves as though I might 'go off' in some unpredictable way. It's so exhausting I usually spend christmas etc alone.
I'm not sure how I gradually pulled away from their gravity, but when they say (or imply) crappy things about you, ask yourself consciously whether you agree or even respect their opinion (of course you don't) - I find it weakens the power of these things to hurt, maybe by consciously re-asserting your own mind. About the general ambience of alienation and abjection the only cure is to avoid the situation.
I've asked family members to meet me one-on-one as groups are hard for me - my sister is the only one who will. So that's fine, they can't accommodate me so if they value my needs so little, why should I accommodate their preferred form of contact?
You don't say what b/f thinks? Maybe a serious and honest talk about the limits of your social capacity is needed?