Published on 12, July, 2020
My Mom died last month and I'm really struggling. I cared for her full time for about 4 years and my whole life revolved around her. I miss her, I'm really sad and I have a history of severe depression and anxiety, which has started again now. I'm trying not to be anxious and stressed, and I'm trying to take one day at a time. But 10 years ago I was so ill I lost my job, my home, friends, everything. I applied for ESA and they didn't believe I was ill and I was treated so badly I tried to kill myself. I just wanted some help and support until I could get back on my feet, but they made me feel so bad that I've never really recovered. I was treated like a liar and I don't lie. I felt worthless and hopeless and I'm really scared of the benefits system now.
My Carer's Allowance ends next month and I have to apply for Universal Credit. I keep reading horror stories about Universal Credit on the BBC News and I don't know how I'm going to cope. Apparentely you have to wait several weeks before your payment comes through, but I have rent and bills to pay and food to buy. It's really worrying me. My GP is going to give me a sick note so I can apply for ESA through Universal Credit, but I'm fairly sure I'll be found fit for work. Even though, on a really good day, I struggle to be around other people and I get severe sensory and information overload. Caring for Mom was really hard but I only had to see my Mom and focus on looking after her, not all the overload and anxiety of "normal" life.
I have a lovely boyfriend and he is trying to support me, but he is ill himself. He has M.E. and is exhausted and in constant pain, He also has undiagnosed autism and ADHD. He isn't getting any support from anybody except me. His GP gives him tablets to help his pain and anxiety, but that is all really. He won't give him a fit note for ESA so he has to look for work. So my boyfriend is being kind but can't do much to support me in a practical way.
I applied for PIP recently. Autism West Midlands referred me to a company who help people with autism apply for benefits. A man helped me fill in the form and can go to assessments with me (well we've requested a home visit but it may not happen). But he said the assessors don't have much understanding of autism and I may not get PIP or ESA. He said that because I look neat and tidy - even though I think I look terrible now, and I'm screaming inside. But nobody can see how I feel inside. My GP has referred me to Birmingham Healthy Minds for talking therapy, but the company who helped me fill in my PIP form said Birmingham Healthy Minds often won't help people with autism as they don't have autism training, and they may turn me away.
I just miss my Mom and want to grieve for her but I'm so stressed and getting more and more depressed every day. Even though I have my boyfriend, I feel so alone and everything feels too difficult right now. Does anyone have any advice on what I could do next, to help me in a practical way, or to feel less anxious or depressed? I'd really appreciate any help. Sorry for the long post :-(
Was your mother's death expected? I lost my Dad when I was 17, but that was sudden. I don't know what's worse.
I am sorry. My Mom had a lot of health problems but it was still unexpected. She had a lung infection but it quickly developed into pneumonia and 2 days later she died. I think my subconscious still thinks she's here and hasn't accepted that she's gone.
Sudden is worse for family, better for the person him/herself.
My dad fell ill and died 3 months later. At least I got to prepare. And he had honest doctors, that helped too.