Published on 12, July, 2020
Exactly what it says...
I saw my GP. She's lovely. She gave me a 2-week certificate, though I won't actually need it until next week. I'm planning to go back next week, anyway. I don't want to be off for longer than I need, and I think this extra bit of time will help. I rang my manager and explained, and she was fine - said she looked forward to seeing me next week, but to just let her know Sunday if I'm not ready. She also said if I need any further adjustments, to let her know. I told her I know what it is. It's the backwash from mum's passing. After she died, I knuckled down and just dealt with all the affairs, then took a couple of months to myself before going back to work. During those months, though, I was writing my book about those final months we spent together. It helped me - but I wasn't really grieving. I think that's what's happening now. Grief affects us all so differently, and it's finally caught up. I've been able to look at photographs without any problems up to now - but now I'm finding it hard. I looked at a photo yesterday of the first day I got Daisy. She was so nervous, she spent a while hiding behind the settee. Finally, she peeped out. Then, over the next half-hour, she sniffed around. She sniffed me and realised I wasn't going to hurt her. In no time, she was up on the settee cleaning herself. She came with me to mum's and gave her a lot of comfort. And now, she's my sole companion. I think if anything happened to her, it really would kill me. Cats have incredible intuition. She knows I'm low, and she cuddles up to me close each night when I go to bed.
I had the most terrible nightmare last night which underlined it all for me (and I'm sleeping huge amounts - dead sleep, without any alcohol involved). I dreamed I'd come back to my flat one night, but the lights wouldn't work. I managed to put my lamp on - but then it got switched off again. I sensed some malevolent presence there in the darkness. I checked the fuse boxes and just gave them a tap, and the lights all came on. The place was in a state. Wallpaper had been ripped down, furniture had been overturned - and there were tiny pellets of grey clay stuck over everything. Finally, in panic, I ran downstairs to my neighbour to tell him. He seemed to know. He said he'd seen a face at my window some days when I'd been out. He came up with me... and the place was in an even worse state. Completely wrecked. Then I went into the kitchen and saw this figure. It was like a child, but made entirely of this grey clay, like a Morph figure. It was trying to climb out of the window. I screamed to my neighbour that I could see it, and I threw things at it. I woke up then, screaming 'There it is!' Throughout this nightmare, the one thought in my head was 'At least I can go to mum's. She'll look after me.'
That was it. Those two things. Loss of the one person I could always go to - and fear of losing what I have left.
The subconscious is a remarkable reservoir of truth. It tells you what you need to know.
Like I said, I'm sleeping lots. Apart from that one big nightmare, too, my other dreams are extremely vivid.
After she died, I knuckled down and just dealt with all the affairs, then took a couple of months to myself before going back to work. During those months, though, I was writing my book about those final months we spent together. It helped me - but I wasn't really grieving.
What you describe in this quotation was really grieving ~ stage one grieving where the emotional network blows a fuse bank or two and basically for the most part goes off line, and emotional numbness results.
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The knuckling down business with the arrangements helps to deal with the overload in a sense of letting off the emotional steam, until as you are finding now at stage two with the grief process; the emotional network is coming back on line to the extent that it is.
Most people as such normally go through four stages of really difficult grieving, with the first two being the most 'wham-factor-ten' difficult, where as at stage three most people know roughly what they are dealing with ~ "Hello darkness my old friend . . " sort of thing.
In respect of your dream:
I dreamed I'd come back to my flat one night, but the lights wouldn't work. I managed to put my lamp on - but then it got switched off again. I sensed some malevolent presence there in the darkness. I checked the fuse boxes and just gave them a tap, and the lights all came on.
As stated above the emotional network had blown a fuse, and the malevolent presence is in essence the guardian of that thresh-hold of emotional pain ~ that allows you to reboot your emotional defences to buffer excess processing whilst processing what you can at this most difficult stage of things.
The place was in a state. Wallpaper had been ripped down, furniture had been overturned - and there were tiny pellets of grey clay stuck over everything.
In sense you have returned to where obviously your inner incredible hulk has had a furious meltdown and wrecked the joint, and as also symbolised the proverbial robbery and your absence as housekeeper ~ due to the emotional network having gotten overloaded and shut down, denying you access and protecting you.
Your inner flat in the sense of the grey clay involves firstly as follows:
Finally, in panic, I ran downstairs to my neighbour to tell him. He seemed to know. He said he'd seen a face at my window some days when I'd been out.
Your neighbour in your dream would of course know because he is an aspect of your psychology, a more grounded one on account of being represented by your 'downstairs' neighbour.
He came up with me... and the place was in an even worse state. Completely wrecked.
As you involved your neighbour your psychology reintegrated more and allowed more of the emotional damage to be processed ~ with flat version one being in a sense the precursory glance, and flat version two being the more deeper aftermath inspection. Your neighbour here being another thresh-hold guardian representation of and for you.
Then I went into the kitchen and saw this figure. It was like a child, but made entirely of this grey clay, like a Morph figure. It was trying to climb out of the window.
The child of clay represents the 'Home-Alone' child, as has become feral in your psychological absence, due to you being unable until now to access your flat as being a locked room in your mind-body relationship. The fact that your representational grey clay child was attempting to climb out of the window, involves the aspect of you wishing as you did to escape from your mind-body relationship, regarding the 'Goodnight, good luck' session of course.
>[Prepare yourself here, regarding AA and alcoholism . . . admitting that you are wrong to have used alcohol as a coping mechanism ~ is astoundingly wrong.
Alcohol is certainly not the best way of dealing with things when it is used in excess. But for the love of life, and all that is held dear (such as you) Tom ~ you have had a major major shock and have been heavily traumatised by your mothers passing, which is in no way whatsoever your fault, and I repeat in no way whatsoever in any way can this possibly be your fault.
You Are A Complete Son to Mother Legend Tom ~ without any shadow of doubt, and you are equally as much a legend here also.
You have been a foundation of granite and a rock to lean on and to learn from ~ for so very many people on so very many occasions. A personal thankyou is here deeply meant and truly sent to you.]<
The grey clay child represents on one level the alcohol damage to your body, and resist here the urge if you are thinking as much to go all out and stop drinking, as firstly it would be a change to your living routine, and secondly you have Asperger's Syndrome. Progressive reduction of alcohol intake is required, or in other words controlled and increased moderation, along with learning to eat before, during and or after drinking. The fact that your grey clay child is as such represents a lack of tissue salts, vitamins, minerals and gut flora ~ dehydration with the lack of tissues salts will definitely be an issue. You may perhaps find this mineral clay information particularly pertinent:
https://www.enviromedica.com/eating-clay
and a supplier:
https://www.amazon.com/Pure-Clay-Bentonite-Montmorillonite-Laboratory/dp/B00HNYES2C
Dream representations can be exceedingly literal sometimes, so if so here, you at least have a means to finding a resolution for this issue. Should you feel that this is the right course of action for you, start on small doses to gently get the detoxing process going, and take it very gently and very slowly. Otherwise you may well find that fifteen feet from the toilet will be your limit ;-)
Regarding tissue salt depletion, Salt Spa Waters are definite a plus, especially if you have a spa town of that sort near you, and some water containers or bottles:
Then I went into the kitchen and saw this figure. It was like a child, but made entirely of this grey clay, like a Morph figure. It was trying to climb out of the window. I screamed to my neighbour that I could see it, and I threw things at it. I woke up then, screaming 'There it is!'
Throughout this nightmare, the one thought in my head was 'At least I can go to mum's. She'll look after me.'
Hi Tom
Like you I lost my mother (back in 2017) and spent time sorting out the affairs which meant that I didn't have time to grieve. A lot of other things were happening at the time that made matters worse enough to cause stress related illness.
It took a long time to get over the loss (honestly probably a year) before it started to be less painful. I just think with autism it takes much longer to get over the trauma and release the grief. And my dreams have been more vivid than they were ever before.
Hang in there sir!
Tom i just want to say i cant imagine what you have been going through it must be awful to lose someone as close to you as a parent. Grief affects us all differently. I have had a very difficult year with bereavement of my grandma. I can relate to when you talk about "knuckling down" . I carried on as normal and processed the events of my grandmas death and my own sadness but not the grief. started having funny turns where i thought i was losing my mind and didnt feel on my own body. This led onto a bout of exisitential anxiety. Made worse by i didnt know what was causing it all. I now know it was grief. How could i not have seen it at the time?
Yes cats do have intuition!
It sounds like it is still relatively early days for you. Please do not underestimate how difficult this period of your life is. But it wont last forever. Keep talking and posting if it helps. Im glad you are getting help from your GP and allowances at work. It sounds like this is the right direction.
Glad to hear you're feeling more positive.