Break Up

So it looks like the break up that brought about my revelation of potential aspergers has now finally come into fruition. The entire relationship being abusive has driven her away. I then become aware of it and work on it to get help, the most confusing part was the fact that I hadn't realised what I was doing. So we start taking it day by day and for the last 2 months I've felt it be pretty good, no signs of abuse and it was like a cloud had been lifted. Then the aspergers theory came about from my therapist about a month ago and that is when things changed. It appeared that it was her who struggled with it more than me, when it was just my anger that was the issue and I was working through that she could accept that but now it's potentially the aspergers and in her eyes (someone that always thinks down the line to the future) she has fears, especially when it comes to children.

Fast forward a month and things had definitely changed, we'd not reverted but there was less communication again so I brought it up last night and forced the issue in typical me fashion, I couldn't just wait, we were starting relationship counselling next week. 

Anyway's turns out she thinks she has basically detached herself from me during the abusive first two years of the relaitonship so whilst she still cares for me etc she just thinks there is no romance there, we're more like flatmates in her eyes. She also keeps alluding to the fact that she is struggling with the potential diagnosis of aspergers, will I not pick up my kids emotions or will she not be able to adapt herself etc etc. It's absolutely ridiculous is that side of things and I think surely this is what she is telling herself to make it easier that she just doesn't love me... One of the things that she has hung on to  is the fact that I didn't want to let her niece on my shoulders about 3 weeks ago because I felt uncomfortable with it. I've pleaded with her to remember the fact that I am actually great with her other niece who has been on my shoulders etc etc (the one we don't only see once a year), or the fact that I'm great with my mates kids who have been in my life 10 years etc. 

I feel sick that I treat her so poorly in the first two years and feel frustrated because of the fact that I wasn't aware of what I was doing. It wasn't me, it's not my personality, I used to tell her about my character all the time and she would just be confused thinking 'this isn't the guy I know' whereas I didn't realise I wasn't showing my true self.

I know I actually make her happy, we're good together, we get on, we're happy a lot of the time. Just something that's stopping her from letting herself. 

I can't seem to maintain anything in my life, whether it be a relationship or a job. Thought I was finally starting to do well in life since meeting her, had a consistent job, had a steady girlfriend, bought an house it was like I was finally not being the typical me but in reality I was being the typical me.

If it weren't for the feelings of pre emptive guilt on my family and even her I wouldn't hesitate to end my life. Its not that I want to die per se but life is just too hard and I'm fed up.