Avoidance

I’m utterly fascinated by the lengths I will go to, to avoid doing things. My psychiatrist said I’m not ‘avoiding’ things, I’m simply looking after myself. He says it’s self preservation. Whatever it is, it’s highly interesting. 

I’ve got two boxes in my bedroom to sort out. It’s my goal for this week and tomorrow is deadline day, and have I sorted them out? No. It’s so weird and I’ve never looked at it as closely as this before. It’s like there’s the thing I need to do, there’s me here, all able to do this thing from all conceivable aspects and it’s like there’s a brick wall between the two places that I simply cannot cross. I can almost touch and see the brick wall, sitting there all silent and still and when I think about crossing it, all I can do is cry! 

I cry when I’m tired and when I’m simply unable to put words or reason to how I’m feeling. I don’t see crying as a negative thing. For me, it’s often simply a way to express what I’m feeling, without having to know, consciously, what it is that I’m feeling. But the more I think about sorting out the boxes, the more ill I feel. I feel sick, anxious and nervous and like I just really don’t want to do it. I want somebody else to do it for me. 

Until I started travelling further a field, 12 years ago, when I got into these situations, where my house is a total mess and needs sorting out, I would simply leave. I would go and stay at my mums and my mum and my friend, aunty or sister or a combination of all of them, would go and sort it out for me and when completed, I would move back home. 

None of us ever questioned this so I never addressed why I couldn’t just do it myself. None of us ever questioned autism or that there was anything ‘wrong’ with me, it’s just the way it was. 

But I’m facing it now and I don’t like it. It’s like there’s a ball of fire in my belly and it rises up and comes into my throat. Then it reaches my eyes and tears spring forth and fall down my face. I touch my hand to my chest and start stimming with my hand. It’s so nonsensical and truly fascinating. It’s like I actually want to vomit and because I don’t like vomiting, I want to cry. 

I’m not sad or anything and I don’t see any of this as a negative or a problem. Not in the least and in fact, just the opposite. It’s good to see so clearly what’s going on with me, as far as I can tell, of course. I find it fascinating that, for many years,  I was able to cover my anxiety, to such a degree, I didn’t even know it was there. Victor Frankle said that it is truly amazing, the depths that human beings can go to, to survive, under extreme circumstances and he’s right, it’s like we are able to go beyond what we think is humanly possible. 

I think I’m starting to get a connection to my little self, my younger self. As I sit here, stomach burning with fire, eyes burning with tears, I’m starting to feel a sense of connection with my younger self. Looking back, I must have been so anxious that I cut myself off from it and that is where my disconnection from self began, maybe?!?

Whenever I’ve done inner child work, I realise now that when I would look at my little me, it was as if I was on the outside looking in but now, for the first time, I’m starting to feel a connection. I did wonder, a few days ago, why I don’t feel connected to my childhood or my child self. Now I think I’m getting the answers. No wonder I’m like a child, in many ways. I’m being taken back to the place where I first lost contact with the self. WoW, yes, I’ve definitely got a connection. 

Now I return my focus to the present. Will I or won’t I sort out the boxes? I’ve also got some super important phone calls to make which I’m also avoiding like the plague. 

Deep breathing. Deep breathing. Deep breathing. WoW, even my legs are wobbly! My whole body is shaking. One strategy I have employed recently is to simply admit when something is difficult. For example, I will say to myself, this is hard, this is so hard, while I face it and do it anyway, because when was hard a reason not to do something? And if, after all efforts, I find that I really cannot do a certain thing, I simply accept it with love and get somebody else to do it for me. We can’t be good at everything! I’m not sure who I could get to sort my house out though. A friend came recently and cleaned my bathroom and kitchen for me but I don’t think she wants to do it again and this is more than a one day job. However, where there’s a will there’s a way and if I can’t do this, then I will find somebody who can. I won’t be defeated. I need a clean and orderly living/working environment in order for me to move forward with business plans, and I’m getting very very itchy feet to get back to Bali, even if only for a month, so I have got to get going with business plans, sooner rather than later, although they won’t go ahead until I have built my solid foundation, because without that, nothing else is going to last. So there’s no rush, I’m simply at a crossroads, meaning, I either have to do this (sort the boxes/make phone calls) or find another way of achieving my goal of having a clean and minimalist and orderly living/work environment. 

I’m going to have a go. I’m going to sit here, drink my hot water, do some deep breathing then give it a go. We’ll see what happens! It will happen or it won’t 

p.s. if you’ve got any tips, I’d love to hear them.