Published on 12, July, 2020
Honestly I don't really know what to say or where to begin, I just know I need to say something somewhere or I will finally go mad. I have Asperger's syndrome I don't think of it as that bad in my eyes I feel normal the things I say the way I talk to people I feel are normal, as I get older it seems to be increasingly more obvious this isn't the case I say things people find rude that I have not a single clue why it is such an issue so much so I think deep down I've just became a horrible person just so I can feel like its my choice. I've become so used to people just not liking me I think I've stopped liking new people I meet which usually results in them definitely not liking me. I just wish I could tell people this maybe then they'd understand give me a chance I'm nice when you get through the walls I've created.
I work at this job at the moment terrible pay and I hate it I work at weddings as a waiter/bartender having social issues like mine its a constant struggle trying to make sure I don't say the wrong thing its so tiring, id love to find a new job but I physically cannot make eye contact with people it makes me feel horrid so I struggle in interviews. I only have this job as my friend is a manager id have already been fired twice over if not for him, I don't know what to do I don't have great grades or anything redeeming to stand out to interviewers I'm honestly just not very good at anything I've struggled with motivation and depression issues all my life that atop the autism there's not a lot that screams hire me, I just don't know what to do I don't want to be stuck doing the same job that's killing me all my life, I don't want to have to say I'm autistic and be the workplaces quota
I feel isolated, I've no clue how to talk to anyone, I just talk rubbish non stop or say nothing at all, I'm not interesting I've no clue how to flirt I've no clue how to notice when someone is interested honestly its got to a point where I'm lonely constantly but id rather that than have to try talk to someone and have not a clue what to do or what they want. I understand forming a relationship is hard for people without my issues but with them its like putting the level up 300x harder like I cant be bothered for that, I cant even understand basic rhetorical questions let alone someone subtly trying to flirt.
I could go on forever but what would be the point, I'm just so tired, I just wish I knew what to do how to deal, wish I could tell someone some of the darker stuff going on in this mind, I just don't know how long I can live a life like this I don't know how far I can get , I hate everything about this world its people its places even myself, I wish I could just understand how people just live and be normal, I just spend everyday with everyone hating me for things I don't understand maybe I deserve to be hated I'm probably that horrid hell I know I am, I just feel like a zombie or an alien or something dead or just not belonging
I think id just like to understand how other people with autism get through some of the problems I've stated or just how they get through their own day to day lives it might help I don't even know
Although I was only diagnosed last year in my mid-fifties, I have always felt like an outsider & was systematically bullied or ridiculed at school for many years by almost everyone.
After I left school though, I decided that I was not going to let that happen again & started to deliberately learn to become a chameleon of sorts. In many ways people are just puzzles to be solved, so once I had sorted out the ones who are worth making the effort for, it wasn't too hard to analyse their motivations & adjust my personality to better fit in.
I was already reasonably good at reading whether people were likely to be hostile anyway from my previous experiences at school, so monitoring whether I was making a good impression was similar to ensuring that I wasn't creating a bad one.
Over the years I got much better at blending in & now can read non-verbal signals fairly easily, as well as almost pass for 'normal'. Reading body language etc, is a lot like mathematical pattern matching & can vary from person to person. As you get to know someone better, you can recognise that a particular verbal or facial expression is usually associated with a given mood & act accordingly. It also helps that I seem to have a constant monologue in my head that analyses other people's actions & then comments on them telling me what to do next.
I used to think that everyone managed social interactions a bit like that, but more recently have realised that it is some form of deliberately learned behaviour on my part, rather than any natural or innate ability.
Rather than viewing NTs as potential sources of irritation, why not try viewing interacting with them as a video game where the people are the puzzles to be solved before you can move on to the next level. I apologise if that sounds overly simplistic, I tend to relate everything to computers as it is the easiest way to describe how I approach the subject.
Take care & I hope things start to improve for you soon.