Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I joined this site a while ago for my own use, but I'm now trying to get help for my cousin as she seems to have hit a brick wall with the NHS. Autism and other issues (ADHD, severe depression, etc) run in my family, and I have already lost one family member to suicide, so I am very worried about her. I'm hoping maybe someone here will have gone through similar and know what to suggest.
Unlike me, my cousin's issues were not dealt with when she was a child and have been left to spiral out of control. She has textbook symptoms of both autism and ADHD and struggles with most areas of her life. She has had about 17 jobs so far and has been made redundant or had to leave every one due to short term memory problems, lack of social skills, inability to understand instructions, struggling with basic things like remembering to eat/wash/how to get to places, inability to multitask, problems dealing with customers/clients face to face or on the phone (she can deal with emails or written instructions), sensory issues and a long list of physical symptoms caused by constant high levels of stress (IBS, hair loss, teeth cracking, high blood pressure, insomnia, etc). She is also severely depressed and suicidal and has talked about ending her life numerous times if things don't improve (she is getting further into debt, which I know is an added stress for her as she is paranoid about debt due to her upbringing).
She was in and out of therapists when she was younger for depression and linked issues (self harming, buliemia, alcohol abuse, physical/sexual/psychological abuse from different people, and other things) and has little to no support network as she has no friends, no partner and her family are very much of the opinion that as she has a high IQ there cannot be anything THAT wrong with her. Her parents have never been particularly 'hands on' with their children and are of the opinion that simply feeding, housing and clothing their kids was enough. I tried to get them to help her when she was still in school as it would have been much easier to get NHS support then, but they were not interested. Now that she is an adult, they can basically palm off her issues as being hers alone to deal with. She is now 30 and they blame her for everything and make a point of highlighting how much of a 'failure' she is at family events, which is really awkward and horrible for me to watch as I know exactly what she is going through and can't imagine what it's like to not have anyone to help. I am trying to help get her properly diagnosed and treated, but it has been really really hard as I'm not great with this stuff either.
My cousin isn't the sort of person to cause a fuss about anything. She will put up with a lot until she hits the wall, as she isn't used to her family or anyone else listening to her and has I think given up. She won't cry or rage or anything, so trying to get the GP to take her depression seriously has been difficult. They put her on several different pills when she was younger, but as none of those dealt with the problems causing the depression, it didn't help. I have been to the GP with her a couple of times in the last two years, as I don't think anyone else gives a damn if she jumps off a bridge. It has been very hard to see how detached her family is and neither of the GPs seemed too concerned either. They were both polite, but didn't seem worried. The second one finally referred her to an autism specialist, but said there is a two year waiting list in our area to even get an initial appintment. That was 18 months ago.
My cousin lost yet another job last summer and according to my aunt hasn't left the house more than twice in the time since. She barely responds to any of my texts/emails now and I am really worried she will end up overdosing or something. Her family just complain about her being lazy, spoiled, moody, etc whenever the subject is brought up. I really don't know what else to do. The GP says they can't do any more other than refer her to a therapist for depression (which I know, both from her previous experience and my own years of wasted time seeing therapists as a teen, are utterly useless) or throw more pills at her (which make the ADHD/autism symptoms worse with additional side effects). They gave her a card with contact details for a crisis support line and there is a hospital A&E within a few miles, but I know she wouldn't use either if she did finally give up as she struggles to talk to people and hates crowded places like A&E.
I really don't know what to do. If I was in her position, I wouldn't have survived even this long. The behaviour of her parents is absolutely sickening to me and I know is making the situation much worse as they guilt trip her constantly about all of this. I am scared that one day I will find out that I've lost another family member to suicide.
Hi, you seem like a lovely person, it's good that she has you at least. I guess if she really did kill herself other relatives would suddenly be very upset, but maybe they don't (want to) see that there is a real risk. I agree about the crisis team/A&E stuff - A&E can be a horrible place especially when you have to be there on your own and the crisis team does little more than asking if you can keep yourself safe and if you don't say yes then they keep asking until you say yes, even if it's clear that nothing has changed.
Can you somehow see her regularly? Maybe you can get her to come for a little potter with you or at least meet her at home if she's not up for that. Something where she would be able to talk about what's going on, or also not to talk but at least feel that somebody cares. Don't automatically take her lack of response to mails and texts as a sign that she doesn't want to have anything to do with anybody. Do perhaps also insist a bit if she rejects it immediately, at least keep asking. I tend to send people away when I need them most, not sure if that's common but it may well be. We've been told when someone is depressed they need an extra-portion of love - try to give her that. If you say you are not particularly good at that - well, you are much better than everybody else because you do try at least.
Take care, of yourself too!
I live miles away from her and can't drive, so it's difficult to physically meet up that often. I appreciate what you mean about her lack of response not being deliberate though. I do the same myself. I try to get through to her parents if I don't get any response from her. But it's as if they are completely dead inside. There is no response at all when I discuss anything with them. I remember the same attitude towards my great-aunt committing suicide. They made a huge fuss at the funeral, but then just shrugged it off and moved on. And leading up to her death they refused to even acknowledge there was a problem. I grew up down the street from the family and saw her a lot and have vivid memories of her literally begging for help and everyone just brushing her off. I guess that's why the situation with my cousin panics me so much. It's like watching the same thing all over again and not being able to do anything to stop it! If it was my daughter I'd be up the GP/hospital demanding they help. Or at the very least reacting as though I give a damn about my child dying. I'm ranting a bit, but I just can't understand that mentality. Why have kids if you don't care about their wellbeing?
Less often then! I've got no idea how far, how time-consuming, how expensive, how difficult in whatever way it is, but what I do know, both from own experience and from what others have said, is that you really need someone who loves you to come out on the other end of this tunnel. Health professionals can not replace that. They may prescribe antidepressants, do therapies of some description, but they can't give love to their patients. I don't mean anything erotic, but no doctor, nurse or counsellor is going to wrap their arms around you and holds you tightly when you cry, they just hand you tissues. O.k., not everybody would want this, it was just an example to illustrate it. They do also not take you for a long walk or sit on the sofa all night with you, they just don't do those kind of things. I'm not saying it wouldn't be good if she was seen sooner rather than later, but it's two different things really and she will need both.
Do you know the recovery letters project? This here: http://therecoveryletters.com/ It's letters people wrote who have recovered from depression some more some less, but they all have something positive to say, and you very rarely find someone writing that it was some part of the NHS that helped them to get out of the deep hole. They do sometimes mention mental health professionals but usually in one sentence with friends that supported them.
I'm not suggesting you are making lazy excuses, but you won't be able to change her parents, you can only do something yourself and it could make a huge difference to her.