I have been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years and our sex life is pitiful. (FYI we are both girls)
During this 1.5 years I have learnt a lot about myself but not a lot about sex. It's only in the past 6 months that I even knew I had ASD.
I find sex difficult. I know that I want to do it with my girlfriend but I just don't know how. How does it start? When is an appropriate time?
The problem is that I am incredibly slow to learn and my girlfriend has given up hope that I ever will.
It has taken ages for me to learn not to come home from work and complain and go to bed. I'm an active productive happy person after work now.
It has taken ages to learn not to let obstacles get in the way of sex. Like stopping halfway through because my tooth hurts or I have leg cramp etc. etc.
It has taken ages for me to "clear the obstacles" and make room/time for sex
It has taken ages for me to learn some idea of how to initiate sex.
So....1.5 years on... I am ready to start.
But it's too late it seems for my girlfriend. She feels like it has been 2 years and our sex life is crap (we don't have sex very often). She feels like this is how it will always be. She worries if she can be in a relationship that doesn't have any sex (though we do have some).
I need some sort of evidence or proof that all of this is just me being slow and that things will improve and will not be like this forever.
To make matters worse, we have spent the past 2 years living in my flat preparing to move house to a place for both of us; and it is moving far away from her family. She feels like she is commiting to a life with me by moving; but she is unhappy with our relationship because of our sex life.
I don't know what to say to her, I don't know how to show her that things will get better. I tell her this and she says "you say that but its been 2 years".
Please please please could someone point me to a website or share their experience or prove somehow that I am just being slow and that I will get there.
It's really really hard because I miss all the flirty signals. I never liked it when she came on too strong. I've basically batted her away for a year and then when she gave up trying I didn't try myself. Well I did, but most of the trying was in my head and failing to communicate.
Kelly said:stopping halfway through because my tooth hurts or I have leg cramp etc. etc.
Implausible excuses are detrimental.
Yup. I've messed up so so many times. I had to learn to deal with the pain instead of everything stopping.
You are not alone.
I also find informal situations, like sex, extremely difficult to handle.
I am extremely anxious and do not know what to do.
Have you thought of working with a sex therapist? They may have the expertise and understanding with you. Helps take the pressure off both of you and signals that you are taking your sex life seriously.
Also have you thought of organising fixed regular dates for sex? It takes off the pressure in terms of guessing each other and helps you mentally prepare if it is on a fixed time.
Rather than worrying about you enjoying the sex, maybe spend the next couple of weeks learning and finding out how she likes the sex and focus on maximising her pleasure. Hopefully when you understand and learn from experimentation, you might be able to explore it yourself.
Hi, thanks for the reply. We've broken up now. Or we are on a break. It's all very uncertain. She wanted to break up so I told her to go and sort her head out.
After doing a lot of thinking I realise I am scared of sex. I don't know what I'm doing and so I'm not confident. It feels like I'm on stage performing and I have to do it right.
She is a free spirit, as spontaneous as they come. Planning things kind of kills it for her. Though I can plan it in my head and approach her.
I didn't realise it but I'm a lot more of a selfish person than I thought. I try to be bold and tell her what it is that I want her to do, but I'v never actually asked her what she wants. In many areas of life.
I have a lot to learn. I'm going to research sex and flirting and practice some imaginary scenes.
I don't know if a sex therapist would help. I feel like I don't want to go down thst route. She did suggest an escort to me though. I think thats a good idea. For some with patience to teach me.
Kelly said:suggest an escort to me though
Sounds like a great option.
I was wondering whether you are asexual or fearful of the intensity of the sensations/pain etc. It is difficult until you self-experiment and try out various things yourself.
Have you thought of joining the various ace/aro communities (asexual/aromantics)? They might have some suggestions and also be more supportive of your situation and your exploration.
I don't have a problem with sensations with a person I trust. My drive is low though as all of my actions are based on decisions. I never react or act instantly on a thought or feeling. Basically I think too much.
I just feel too anxious and too much under pressure with sex.
It doesn't help that my last relationship was abusive where she would pressure me into sex with her in a one sided way where I got nothing out of it.
I've had more negative experiences with sex than positive ones.
There is a disabled escort site that was recomended to me. Apparently quite a number of individuals with ASD use the site. That would be where I went.
Sorry to hear you've broken up, although it sounds like you might get together again. Well done for learning "not to let obstacles get in the way of sex" and being more contented after work. I can relate to the not reacting on feelings, and thinking getting in the way. I find it difficult to know what my emotions are in a relationship (I find it easier to read the other person).
Maybe your previous negative relationship is still a factor, or maybe just lack of positive experience. What you say does sound to me like nervousness about sex. Sex therapy is still an idea, although maybe also something looking at the whole relationship through Relate or other couple counselling? Arranging a time for (possible) sex, or at least cuddling is one tip, like Poidah says. I think your idea of exploring is good - eventually you find something you like, on your own or with someone else, and want to do more of it. Good luck.