As a few of you will know, my mother passed away in April after I'd nursed her through her final six months of life. That role helped me to cope, I think, with the aftermath. That and the signs I got that she was looking out for me. My natural self-reliance was another thing: I'm used to a solitary life and taking care of myself. Finally, there was the book I was writing about our time together, and about our life history. That helped to keep her alive, in a sense, for me.
It's over seven months ago now. In that time, I've finished the first draft of the book and started a new job, which I've settled into reasonably well. I don't like the travelling. But I like only working four days and routine, unchanging hours. The work itself isn't what I thought it would be, and I find it a bit of a trial some days - but it's okay.
I was happier at my old place, which I left to look after mum. Last week, I saw my old job advertised and applied for it. I have an interview on Wednesday. I don't need to prepare. I know the people well enough. I know what they'll ask. I think it will be a formality. It'll mean slightly longer hours, and eventually alternating late and early shifts. I don't like that idea so much. But again, I liked it there. And it's just along the road from where I live, so no more travelling. I can sell the car.
Naturally, though, this stuff is all churning through my head. Is it too much change, too soon? Two new jobs in the same year that I lost my mother? Am I asking too much of myself?
Today, I started the second draft of the book. Much more is coming out. I can feel it coming to life.
And now - tonight, just a half-hour ago - something suddenly hit me and brought me low. It was like that sudden sense of dropping you get in a very fast-descending elevator.
Mum's gone. She's not here any more. That wonderful person is gone, and all I have is the memories, the keepsakes, the photos... and this pile of pages of her life.
I never expected it to creep up on me like this. The time of year probably isn't helping, as she always loved Christmas, and we always had such a lovely time together - just the two of us - over Christmas.
But she's no longer there.
Phew. I need to go to bed.