Published on 12, July, 2020
The best way to describe how my life feels at the moment is overwhelming.
My health and ability to cope with things has been deteriorating slowly over time and this is nothing unusual; I go through these phases and have done throughout my life.
What is different now is that everything seems so much more intense and the standard I have to work to are much higher. I can't get away with having a bad day or even bad month as nothing slows or stops to accommodate it. I am now a mature woman and as such, people expect me to tolerate and cope with the toils of life, but in fact I still struggle as I did back in my teens, just I hide it better.
As described in other posts, I have been back to my GP as a result of sensory issues and having shutdowns at work and I was told I would be referred to a specialist and would hear within 7 days etc. That was over a month ago...
My referral has been rejected twice already due to the facilities it has been referred to not being capable of dealing with 'my type of case'. Meanwhile it has now been referred to somewhere else and I am told to give it more time and be patient. That's all well and great when you are in a fit state to deal with everything. Why is it medical experts don't seem to realise time is not on your side in these situations as you are sliding faster down a slippery slope that becomes much harder to climb back up again. Also, instead of being referred for sensory issues, I have been referred for a mental health assessment. I am confused and flabbergasted by the whole thing.
As a result I am left feeling like I am trying to drastically hold onto sand that is slowly slipping through my fingers.
There are other personal factors that have probably contributed to how I am feeling and reacting as well, but the main issue is that I am now just functioning as in getting up and going to work and that has been hit and miss on occasions. My routines that I so strongly rely on to make sure I eat and eat healthy as well as keep my house clean and tidy, I can no longer achieve or even comprehend, which is only heightening my stress levels - I must follow these routines in order to feel calm and in control. My self-care has also lapsed and everything seems a massive chore. Even my special interests just seem too much to even think about or get actively involved in. To make matters worse, my partner is also going through a bad time, so he has his own battles to fight without having to deal with mine.
I am aware I am having an intense period of emotions and that they are bad, but I cannot differentiate what they are or even as to why I am feeling them or what lead me to this point. Not seeing the wood for the trees could be a possible issue.
Either way, I now don't know what to do.
I have no one to turn to and even if I did, I don't know what I would say or do as I cannot express myself verbally in these situations.
To summarise, I am tired and I know it is only a matter of time before I roll over and give in because I can't battle on any more. This is why I get so frustrated that everything surrounding mental health is based on time and the infinite amount of it apparently.
I am normally a good problem solver, but I can't see a way out of this one and that is what troubles me the most.
It could be down to things like time of year etc, but I feel much worse today to the point I nearly walked out of my job and I am having suicidal thoughts. I won't act upon them, but the fact that I am having them is challenging when I am already feeling ground down.
I hope it does pass, it's just that I can't see a way out of this situation that I am in and I don't have the energy or capacity to deal with it. I also can't verbally ask for help either and I wouldn't know who to turn to if I could do this.
Hello Starbuck Just wanted to say hello and acknowledge what you have written. A downward spiral is difficult to cope with. When I was continually really low for months at a time someone introduced me to Christopher Germer mindfulness which gave me some comfort
https://chrisgermer.com/meditations/
we have posted together several times so you already know I have been through burnouts and shutdowns etc also struggling to keep going through various jobs then sinking. Usually I have managed to pick myself up and start again but each time there is a longer period before I can get restarted again. It’s been a long stretch this time but that has included all 3 of my Nd diagnoses and fibromyalgia and illness in my family so not surprising really. I know that having a job makes life seem more “normal “ , it offers a routine, contribution to society, interest for ourselves, a means to live etc and so to be without work does seem not quite right but maybe, if you can, a period of time to catch up with yourself isn’t such a bad thing. It’s trying to balance out what is a priority for you and your life with what you can comfortably manage without making your health suffer. We get to the point where our thoughts and expectations are chasing round in our heads and as you have said can’t see a way out or forward.. it does seem as though you do need a break of some sort to recover some energy. I’m tired and rambling but just wanted you to know you’re not alone
Thanks Misfit61 and I didn't mean to overlook your previous post, I've just been too distracted to focus and respond. I'm sorry to hear about your mum and it sounds like you have been through a lot.
I think I do need a break of sorts, but my experience of where I work currently is that if you go off sick and it is mental health related, then you are slowly isolated and pushed out of the company. It's not right, but I also know it won't change any time soon.
My partner has suggested looking at going freelance doing something I am good at, but money will be painfully tight so I don't know how we will manage that and I also don't want to be a burden on my partner as a result.
It's frustrating that some days I can seem to achieve great things, yet other days getting out of bed and just functioning is a massive task in itself. The world is not setup for this level of inconsistency.
I now have a week off work so some time to recover and reassess things, but I doubt I will come to any concrete conclusions by the end of the week. I too am now rambling!