Understanding autism

Slapping or any kind of physical abuse should not be done to a person with autism. People like them should be treated with extra care, given special attention and patience. I think seizure may have caused by the worries that daughter is experiencing. I feel sad for your son and her girlfriend.

I have worked in several jobs where I have had to deal with difficult people. Drug rehabilitation and working with people who are trying to get off the streets, gain employment, and accomodation. Basically I've seen this type of stuff before. Not with Autism but I think I know what type of people you are dealing with.

They are people who want to keep their daughter in a cycle of their control. They don't want to involve you because of this. I've seen it with addicts, abused partners, people who have been pimped, and even abusive parents. People who have people around them who keep pulling them back because they depend on their part in a cycle of dependence. It can be emotional, practical (the person has some kind of use), or FINANCIALLY. These types of people are weak themselves so they need to use someone they percieve as weaker than them to facilitate certain parts of their life that they can't handle. It's also a sad fact of life that some people can't handle someone actually doing well, being happier or just changing their life, especially when it's someone that they considered below them in the "pecking order". They feel threatened when the cycle or order is threatened.

The reaction they are having is way over the top. Threats, slander, and the way they have outright refused to even have a conversation is an attempt at regaining control over what they see as "theirs". Their knee-jerk reactions are the only things that they have. Knee-jerk reactions are usually things that you can use against someone because they aren't thought out well. If you keep your cool they will give you all of the ammunition you need. If you are going to persist in basically trying to free the girl, I would try and find her some kind of advocacy. Contact your local Autism center or NAS and get more information on someone who will be a third party intervention. I would recommend trying to record any phonecalls you or your son recieve. If your sons girlfriend has never met a social worker I find it doubtful she even has one. Social workers are few and far between even in the most dire of situations.

One thing I do recommend also is trying to get your son to spend as much time with her at your place. It takes the ball out of their hands. There's far less room for drama and accusations. Also if your situation and home environment is more calm and comforting she will start to realise that her home situation isn't normal, you might get her to open up more too. You aren't interfering in anything then, she might make decisions based on her own free will, then she won't have any alliegiances to them, they can't say that you did anything and she won't have reservations based on betraying her family. Do try and get some kind of advocacy though, even if her relationship with your son doesn't last she will have a support system. All the best.

Hi there, I am extremely sad to hear about this situation. It is something no one should have to come across. Thanks, for taking the time to reach out to us. It takes such courage. First of all, physical abuse is never the solution to anyone's problem. If anything it will make it potentially ten times worse. Reason being the person will feel ridiculed, shaken, belittled amongst other feelings and emotions. Out of respect, for your son and girlfriend they 'the family' its none of their business (who are they to judge); every one wants to live an independent, happy life. Threats are not necessary there are ways of getting around the conversation without the heated exchange. It might be worth having either a one-to-one talk or group discussion to see where things stand?

I can understand the reasons why your son is trying to stand up and address his point. When it comes to some families they can be picky or over protective. Explaining to the family (although it shouldn't be necessary) that the love they feel for each other is legit and take it from there.

It might be worth mentioning to use non-threatening language. In most situations, if the person's voice increases this can cause immediate stress, anxiety amongst other various complications. Using a subtle but steady tone is more suitable and the message comes across better. It is easy to be picked on because of how nice or innocent the person's demeanour or attitude. The saying 'taking kindness for weakness'. Typically, when your picked on your seen as an easy target as such or literally a threat of some sort which could lead to jealousy or hatred etc.

The arguing never solves the issues as we all know. If anything the purpose of what was said comes out meaningless and has a negative impact.  Allowing time for others to have their say uninterrupted could work? The more stress the son's girlfriend has the worse the effect the seizures come along with increased anxiety etc.

In my opinion, people with autism like a non-threatening language, use of short, simple and easy to understand sentences/information, patience, clarification, respect, dignity. People with autism, rely on people's body language, gestures and facial expressions. There has to be good communication when speaking to someone with autism. Not to speak too fast or too slow, not to ask too many questions, allowing even time for the person to absorb information and respond.

It might be useful seeking a professional opinion regarding some of the things you mentioned. I hope this has been somewhat useful. If things do get worse please seek appropriate and immediate help and support. Thanks again for taking the time to share this. I hope things get a little easier.

I think it would be a very good idea for your son's girlfriend to seek help from the social work dept. as, at the very least, she will be given a clearer idea of who her social worker is (if indeed she does have one, as her parents say) and they will be able to advise her of her rights with regards to her parents threats to 'put her into care' - something which I think is not possible at her age! 

If I were you, I wouldn't attempt to meet with or co-operate with her parents as they do not sound like the kind of people it's possible to compromise with and you could end up being drawn into a much more volatile and dangerous situation.  

Thankyou for all your advice and the more the better so I can understand:-) unfortunately the situation has escalated in the past day. The family is now saying we are bad parents etc and we do drugs, obviously I know this is not the case so it has given me a bit of insight into how they deal with situations. We were hoping to have a sit down with them so we could work on a way to make things easier but I don’t think this will be the case as her other daughter has called up my sons girlfriend and made threats to me now. I’m not prepared to get involved in such a volatile situation but will continue to offer support to the couple. Just wanted a little more advice as the mother keeps saying the social worker that they have will come and take her away but the girl has never met the social worker and doesn’t have anybody else she sees that can help her. The couple want to contact social services and find someone who can support her, which I have said is a good idea then you can have a neutral third party that is trained in dealing with these type of things. I’m just worried that this was the wrong thing to say and that I’m going to get accused of interfering and making the situation worse.

I know lots of people have already spoken in this and you probably don't need another voice but I have to add my thoughts. 

Slapping someone to prevent them from having an epileptic seizure will achieve nothing with regard to the for but it is however illegal and if reported to the police would be taken seriously and the abuser would almost certainly be arrested. ( definitely would in my area of surrey) add in the verbal abuse !!

I have an epileptic history and going into a seizure is an unpleasant experience in itself without being attacked at the same time, poor thing.

If I were in your position i know what I would do. I would have to inform the police about the abuse since it has been drawn to my attention. 

Erm... well..

In the 18th and 19th Century the so-called "Idiot Savants", who we now know were Autistic, could well have been shown in travelling "Freak shows", led by people such as PT Barnum. This was the heyday of the "Freak Shows". NT Audiences may have watched, in amusement or amazement or curiosity or puzzlement, Autistic savants, as they performed their skills or struggled to speak as they did so. Bear in mind though, 

If Autistic savants were displayed in freak shows, non-savant Autistics, I suspect, throughout the 19th Century and the first half of the 20th century were probably locked away in mental hospitals because local authorities simply didn't know what do with them or where to put them, or they would have been lumped in the asylums.

they were probably slapped and much worse back then as well.

but, we’re in the 21st century? Right? ..... OMG

How you can help - kindness, consistency, routine and some understanding. Thank you for wanting to help the poor woman. Keep in touch 

ellie

x

NAS37634 said:

slapped her to stop a seizure

wha---?

NAS37634 said:

I just need to know if this is how you are supposed to treat people with autism

No.

Exactly as Endymion says, it's not clear if this is referring to epilepsy. If it is then some people's seizures can be controlled with medication and expert treatment, but a slap would do no good. If it's about autistic meltdowns then the usual correct approach is to reduce stimulation and stay quiet and calm.

NAS37634 said:

threatened with being sent in to care

...?!

The autistic woman can probably say and/or write down what she needs, in terms of routine and otherwise.

Rose said:

I don't understand why you would even ask this question?

It's a tough situation. I think the OP knows something is up, that's why they are asking questions. I wouldn't like to be in their shoes. They have a lot to consider, the emotional consequences could be bad for them, their son, and last but not least the girl. I think that they have come to the right place to do their research. I think they know that the mother may be a bit manipulative. She seems to know that they don't know much and they have come to their own conclusion that something isn't right.

Aggression isn't the answer and the OP knows it. I think they know they need to be measured in their reaction themselves. I think they don't want to rush in all guns blazing without knowing all the ins and outs. They seem to want to resolve it and make their son and the girl happy.

I think you've answered some of your own questions by asking how you can help things easier for her when she visits and also asking about her mom's very odd behaviour. I think you want to create a bit of rest and shelter for her as you don't like what you have seen from her mom. I think you are a rational and caring person.

The mother could be arrested and reported to social services for not only verbal abuse but also physical abuse. Sickening behaviour. Its hard enough being on the spectrum as it is without having people like that around you! 

Physical abuse is never okay and is unacceptable. That will make the poor girl feel worse. Her mother needs to go and speak to some professionals if she thinks that is the way to deal with situations. Aggression isn't the way forward. I don't understand why you would even ask this question? Maybe you should do some research of your own and while your at it pass the details of the autistic Trust on to the mother! She clearly is making her daughter worse 

I totally agree. I think that the "seizure" thing may be the mother confusing or miscommunicating overload. The mother sounds like a bit of a ***, those are threats. Threatening to put her in care must be terrifying. The bigger question is as the OP knows the girl better do they think she is being mistreated. She sounds pretty high-functioning and aware. Being put in care sounds like a whip-hand tactic. As for slapping someone who's having a "seizure" or overload it would only make matters worse, also imagine the anxiety it causes when anxiety starts. It's a ridiculous paradox, like one of those *** parents who say "If you don't stop crying, I'll give you a slap" in the supermarket. The mom sounds like a pig.

No. Slapping isn't how you're supposed to deal with people with autism, regardless of what the girl's mother says or does. 

You should probably trust your own instincts in this situation as I find it very difficult to believe the girl's mother's version of things from what you've said here. There's no way in hell any training she took part in re. autism included slapping as a technique. The mother also appears to be confusing "speaking forcefully" with 'making threats'. 

The girl (woman actually if she is in her 20's) will need routine but that doesn't have to be regimented and it doesn't mean that changes can't be introduced gradually - especially changes she herself wants to make. Autism itself doesn't cause seizures but some people with autism also have epilepsy, which of course does cause seizures. I don't know much at all about epilepsy, but i seriously doubt that slapping is a technique for dealing with that either.  Can the girl / woman herself tell you what techniques she prefers to help her to cope with stress and seizures?