autistic and be good at small talk and friendly and polite

Ok. Everything you've said could fit with him having learnt to play a social role because of his job. The awkwardness you describe when he meets unfamiliar people suggests he might be using logic to work out what he needs to do or say with this new individual. 

The superficial conversations would also fit. He would be merely reusing his work skills to act his way through the social event. 

Try reading that Maxine Ashton book (see link above), and let us know if you have any flashes of recognition. 

Take care, and be careful how you approach the tests with your husband. If he has never taken ASD seriously, it is just possible you might suddenly get quite a lot of emotion. Are you prepared for him suddenly needing time off work, for instance?

Your are asking me a question I cannot respond to.  Social events are mostly in the evenings.  So after that you just go to bed.   I never felt hat he was happier after an event.  He returns to normal almost instantly,   As i observe it there is nothing about running on adrenalin after social events.   He will not be excited or something like that when we come home.

NAS36023 said:

I hope to find a way to cope with this.

Have you read much about ASD?

Perhaps this might help:

www.amazon.co.uk/.../

Hmmm. Could perhaps be autistic outbursts. I get them myself.

Obviously we don't know your husband, but taken together, it does rather sound like ASD could be one valid explanation. I would suggest you get him to do the AQ and EQ tests. 

It is certainly possible for someone who is undiagnosed to have learnt to play a role quite successfully. Work situations are often quite formulaic and you are with the same people - or perhaps in your husband's case, the same kind of people - over and over again. Essentially you are putting on a mask and acting, but this can be very tiring. One consequence might be becoming rather "numb" by the time you get home. Nothing will get done, because when the front door closes you are so shattered that you spend the weekend recovering. 

If it is ASD and he's been undiagnosed for years like many of us, he might not even realise that this isn't how others go through life. 

He will not be short-tempered for hours. It is all about  moments., seconds.  He turns to normal always right away not realizing that he was short tempered, as if nothing happened

Can he only socialise with friends when alcohol (or equivalent substance) is present?

After he is done socialising with his friends, is he happier than before the event, or is there a pattern of him being more tired or irritable as a result (note: if he is naturally quiet, he might be running on adrenaline for up to two hours after socialising. I am therefore interested in how he is straight after the social event AND how he is two hours afterwards). 

This friend asked this question because she noticed that my husband never tells personal things, never about himself and rather trivial things.  He does not confide and even with me he does not really talk.  it will all be like to more practical stuff we talk about.

What doe you mean?  Yes, there will be alcohol, like a glass or wine or a beer

NAS36023 said:

For his job, as an  manager in sales, he has to meet a lot of people.  So he has to be social.   It do not see a difference with or without alcohol.

Okay, but if we put his job to one side for a moment, when he is socialising outside of work, with his own friends, what then?

I admit to being a little puzzled why you are living at your location. Schools, perhaps?

He works away all week long. Your commute is an hour. You have few friends nearby...

How many proper, close friends (people who would help you if you were in real trouble, maybe with something embarrassing) would you say your husband actually has? Not just acquaintances, but deep friends you've known for years and can truly rely on?

NAS36023 said:

"your husband, does he talk to someone, does he have someone he can talk to"

What do you think this means? Why might this question have been asked?

If your husband is short tempered in private, how does he "return to normal"? Does he hide away somewhere for a while or is he with you and the children constantly?

Thank you for your reply.  Yes I cannot blame him for my depression.   I raised my children practically alone because he is only at home during the weekend.  I need an hour to work and we do not have a very big social network. where we live.  I wanted to move, closer to friends, closer to work.  He was not able to put himself in my situation.  I was not happy, I proposed solutions, but nothing changed. So that is what I mean with this lack of empathy.

At home he is rather silent and not talkative.  When we have friends over, he is really very different, he is the perfect host.  He can be short.-tempered  a lot in private but never ever with other people outside the family.

  For his job, as an  manager in sales, he has to meet a lot of people.  So he has to be social.   It do not see a difference with or without alcohol.

But I always miss this personal touch, he will talk about politics, economics without a problem.  He always adapts himself somehow  to the people and the situation and that is why people like him.  

But one of close friends, that we have known now for more than 15th years, asked me recently:

"your husband, does he talk to someone, does he have someone he can talk to" 

In certain situations and with people we do not really know, he can act like someone that is unfamiliar to me, a different style of speaking, and I know that is not my husband.  It feels more like pretending in order to meet the criteria in certain situations.

Good questions Dongfeng. These are the signs we need to be looking for. 

I agree with oktanol, he's a good guy, you both want the best for each other. But he's not to blame for your depression. That's your reaction to him not being as you think he should be and his reaction is to a world that he interprets, processes and views in a different way. He's not going to change, even with a diagnosis, but sometimes, for change to occur, we need something to change. Him going to get an assessment and you going to get some support for your diagnosis, is a change. A huge one and from that, you will see changes in your life. But it will be more about you both understanding yourselves more and learning to communicate with each other in a way that you both understand. That will take some time, but this can be the start of it. I wish you the best, and please ask more questions if you want more support or clarification or whatever, or just to get things off your chest. It's a brave step you're  taking, that you're  both taking, be gentle with yourselves. You've been together for 25 years for a reason and you've just hit a road bump. Getting through 25 years together deserves a medal, not many folks achieve that. So you know you're good together, all you need is a bit of support to understand yourselves better and to understand each other. Most of us on here are still learning, and we learn together and support each other along the way and in that way, we're starting to make connections we never thought we could have, and not just between nd's. Be good to yourself, you're a good person and so is your husband. 

Well, he's a good guy really, he wants you to be well!

I didn't mean that you were trying to put him in a difficult position, but if his response often is to run away then you are doing it. Don't know, somehow I can see myself quite well in that situation (in his) and I would not be able to fulfill your expectation to learn from the reaction others show. At the time I would say nothing and just be amazed that others know what to say. Later I would perhaps try to copy this in a similar situation. But it turns out the situation isn't actually as similar as I thought and my reaction was wrong again.

If he is autistic then he may find other ways of communicating easier/less overwhelming. Things with not so many other stuff going on and perhaps a bit more time to respond. Maybe try texting/Whatsapp (when you are not in the same place obviously). That comes with it's own issues, but is also easier in some ways than talking.

Thank you for your response.

Yes I talked to him about it.  He said that he would accept to do a test, if am willing to do something about my depression.  Depression is an illness that can only be cured by a doctor. according to him (but he will not understand that there is a connection between my depression and the way he is)

So, i said to him, you think there might be something autistic about you.  No no, this is only to do you a favor.

So I will go into therapy because I need help and I hope that he will do this test.

I am almost sure of the result.  

And bringing things up in front of other people, well, that makes a complicated thing even more complicated.

 I bring up subjets to which he did not respond in the way I wanted him to react.  Like a serious mobbing problem at work and how it affected me.  

Then I hope by seeing the reaction of the friends, he might react too.    Or just things that you can talk about with good friends, plans I have, trivial things.  It is a bit difficult to explain. Nothing to offend him. or to put him in a difficult situation.  

But this did not help either.

After your partner has been sociable somewhere, what happens? Does he need time on his own or maybe get a bit irritable and short-tempered for a while? Is he noticeably very tired?

Does the socialising mostly occur when alcohol is involved? Does he socialise just as well when totally sober?