autistic and be good at small talk and friendly and polite

He sounds very much like me and I’m a female. It used to drive me crazy when my ex partner wanted to talk about emotional stuff. I couldn’t understand why he wanted to do it, it drove me crazy. When I mentioned it to friends, they said how lucky I was, they said they would love their husbands to talk more like this. I hated it. I thought it was a total waste of time and it annoyed the hell out of me. 

I can be extremely sociable, if I want to be. The first thing my mum said to me when I told her I’m autistic, was, ‘but you’re so sociable’. I learned to be sociable because it sometimes had a benefit to me. Now that there is no benefit to me I rarely see anybody, including my family. I love my family very much and in some ways I would like to see more of them and spend more time with them, but there is no benefit to me to see them anymore. I’m going to attempt again today to go and see my dad, he only lives a very short walk away from me and is currently having treatment for cancer, but even knowing that and me wanting to go, doesn’t mean I will.

I’ve never had ‘interests’ or hobbies in the way that other people have. I've never spoke of ‘future plans’ or anything like that. Although for the first time in my life, since my diagnosis at age 50, I have actually finally got some future plans. I could never understand that question, ‘where do you see yourself in 5 years time’. I have never understood it but I am working towards some actual real life plans now, which is very exciting. 

I appear to not care about anybody, not even my family. My dad used to say I had a brick where I should have a heart, but he couldn’t be further from the truth. I just love, think, process and see the world in a different way. 

I have observed my parents (I’ve observed everybody, that’s how I learned to be sociable) and I have considered if I’m the way I am just because I copied them etc, but there are too many things about me that can’t be denied. This lead me to get an assessment for autism last year. And it was the best thing I ever did because now I can begin to really understand myself. All autistic people are different but I definitely recognise myself in your husband, from what you have said. 

I could be very sociable one minute, I could go out and be the star of the party, I could appear to be having a great time, then come home and sit in silence for days and my choice would be to sit in silence because that feels natural, going to a party isn’t and now I understand myself better, I won’t be going to many more parties. And the years of me performing, appearing sociable etc, has had its toll on me and now I can barely get out of bed. This is only temporary for me as well as necessary. I feel like I’m detoxing myself from all the years of ‘masking’ so it’s good, but this time round, when I’m back on my feet, I will be designing things very differently. 

Your husband might be very happy with his life, it sounds like he is. He’s very lucky to have a wife who loves him and supports him. When I’m cooking, I’m the same as him, always cleaning up as I go. It’s great that he can do that with you. But probably more for your sake than his, it would probably be advisable to get an assessment. It was the best thing I ever did, but that doesn’t mean it will be the best thing for everybody else and it has been a roller coaster ride, post diagnosis, it hasn’t been exactly easy and I’ve even started to take antidepressants (they are actually helping but not because I’m depressed, because I’m not depressed, even though it looks like I am).  But it would give you answers and it could help your relationship tremendously. A diagnosis doesn’t change anything of course but it would give you both more understanding. The diagnosis can be quite a shock, even if you’re expecting it or then again it might not be. We are all different, we all have different reasons for going for the assessment but it’s clear you’ve put a lot of thought and effort into trying to understand your husband, so it would at least give you the answers you’ve been seeking. Have you discussed this with your husband? 

NAS36023 said:

When we saw this nice apartment not far from a river, I told him how nice it would be if we could just go out and walk along it and have a coffee somewhere.

That's the thing I mean. To me this also sounds more like day-dreaming - and in real life we choose a house according to where we can fit our furniture in... If someone told me, right, I want us to live in a house that has A, B, C then that would mean we look for one with A, B, C (if it's not totally beyond what we can afford), but if someone told me oh look, wouldn't it be nice to have A, B, C then I'd say and think, yes, that must be quite nice, and forget about it again.

And bringing things up in front of other people, well, that makes a complicated thing even more complicated. That's not a situation you would want to be put in either, is it? I mean, if you get the impression he is running away the moment you try to talk about problems then doing this in front of other people will just make him even more want to run away and since it isn't possible he'll try to ignore it somehow. If he doesn't actually get it that you are trying to talk about something that is important to you then he may just find it weird that you bring it up in a conversation with other people and still not get that you expect him to react. 

Oh yes, I told him about all my wishes and dreams.  A lot in the past.  When we saw this nice apartment not far from a river, I told him how nice it would be if we could just go out and walk along it and have a coffee somewhere.  Perhaps not enough.  It also talked a lot about dreams, problems, wishes when we were together with close friends, in the hope that he would react somehow and he could not run away.  I asked him not so long why he did not react. He replies  and that things said in a round with people with a glass if wine do not count.   I think tried in the best way I could.   But I also think he is copying his father as his father never took his mother seriously either.  His brother has an medical confirmed child too.  I  really don´t now.  But thanks for your reply.  

Hi, you seem a very emotional and empathetic person, and since we all tend to think other people see the world the way we do (until we find out otherwise and that can hurt at times), could it be that this is leading to a communication gap? Like if you say your son can read how you feel just from looking at you. Your husband can't, so do you tell him together with what you would like him to do? Some people just have the gift to sense that somehow, but not everybody does and it doesn't mean that all the people who don't do not care about others. There could be a lot of things that seem completely obvious to you so if he doesn't react in the way you wish he would you may imply that he doesn't care (possibly without even being conscious of thinking this). The same with other wishes. You may give him little hints, being convinced that he understands perfectly well what you want but decides not to let you have it. Maybe try to be more blunt, even if that feels really weird to you, to him it may be just precise enough to act accordingly.

Thank you.  No he does not collect things.  The only thing he focusses on is his job and at home household issues. He will stand next to me at the stove, so that he can clean away everything right away.  I get a lot of orders on what to do and how to do it..  He cannot not  stand certain noises, like the slamming of a door.  For me is not slamming, it is just closing.  My son sniffing his noice too loud.  It does not disturb me at all but it disturbs him.

He does not have a passion.  I have many and I believe he is not able to understand this.  He can talk in a very monotone way and sometimes he misses the clue in the conversation.  Emotional conversation are not possible, but sometimes I think, isn´t this typically for a man?

Not showing emotions, not showing compassions.  To be honest, in a way I get more empathy and compassion from my parents.  I have a serious medical issue, but he does not seem to worry.  He does not see if I feel sad.  My son, who is different will already notice this by just looking at me.

When I observe his parents, I see there is no mental or physical interaction but they have such a big social network and they somehow survived this.   We do not have this network as we are both foreigners living abroad. His mother does not show emotions.  She told me that she was not able to cry when her parents died.

His parents told me that he cried really a lot as an infant and that when he was 5, he said I will never cry again and he never did.  Also that he always behaved like an adult and never like a child.  He had not many close friends as a child.   Our marriage was rather not that happy with a lot of frustration.   A good friend told me a long time ago, your husband seems not take into account your wishes.   

So I think now he was not able to visualise or feel what I really wanted.  Like how it would be to live in another place.  He could not imagine how it would be to live as a family there.  That is why we never moved.  I wanted this mutual thing, the mutual emotional imagination and so we stayed where were are, although I was not really happy in the neigbourhood.  How I see it now, a home is just a roof above the head for him.  So this is just one of the many examples I could give.

For the rest he never told me of his plans for the future.  Never I wanna do this or this and I feel like that his job was the most important thing in his life and not his family.

So I am looking for reasons and the fact that he could be autistic somehow, would be like aha,that is why.or is it because he was just raised in a family where emotions where just not shown?

He is really not a bad guy, I know this, but is difficult.  He is very generous and to most he looks like an ideal husband. Always very  friendly to others different when we are alone.  

I am depressed since more than 10 years.  I have lost a lot of self-confidence.  When we go out with friends, I feel invisible and I feel like he is there on his own.

I hope to find a way to cope with this.

Quite possibly,,,yes, does he have any special interests that demand his total focus, does he collect lots of things as in coins,stamps,rocks,tools,anything but to excessive levels.

I exhibit many of his traits,not all,but many.

I am 55 Male and self diagnosed Aspergers, I am married many years,have two grown up daughters.

However I have highly sensitive emotions, and am able to socialise to fit any type, I adapt to their expectations, at work they call me the diplomat as I can work with the worst clients beyond the tolerance of most.

I wish you well, please read the books suggested by Deepthought,watch videos on YouTube,by Tony Attwood, he is able to explain autism and Aspergers in a way that both autistic and neurotypical( normal) people can understand.

NAS36023 said:

So my question is it possible to be that social and have an autistic disordre  at the same time?

Very much so yes, in that just as there are people on the Lower Functional range of the Social Interaction, Imagination and Communication Triad of Autistic Impairments ~ there are those on the Higher Functional range, as are more usually recognised in cases of Asperger's Syndrome, which involves ~ like autism in general ~ a narrow or singular range of specialised interests. People with A.S. can be very technical and highly detailed indeed regarding their interests ~ to the exclusion of all else in some cases.

Perhaps then your husband may have Asperger's Syndrome possibly, as in the more socially functional sense involving what is referred to as social camouflaging, or social masking.