We are failing :(

Hello everybody,

I am sorry but we are failing, we don't know what to do or where to turn. Our son, was diagnosed with aspergers at an early age and is now twenty-one.

We have tried and tried to encourage him, tried and tried to help and support him but we are failing. He left school three years ago and now there is nothing. His daily routine is simply sitting in his bedroom, on his laptop,day in day out. We cannot say or do anything that will encourage him to look for any form of work, any form of social interaction outside his room.

We feel we are enslaved to him, washing for him, feeding him, clothing him, basically providing everything thing he needs. We have tried and tried to talk to him, encourage him but we have failed. We, not our son, have applied for jobs for him, wrote a CV for him, managed to get him a few voluntary jobs. He as simply walked away from them.

We really don't know what to do, all we seem to do now is worry ourselves sick about his future. There is no motivation, no interest and now he is becoming physically out of shape. We try to encourage him to join in with family events, he shows no interest and makes excuses simply to go back to him room.

Night after night now we simply try to formulate ideas, discuss it over and over again and most of the time it simply ends with us in tears, through worry.

Sorry for the long post but we really are the point where we feel we are failing. 

  • Hi Grumpy Old Man,

    I have noted your request to delete your account and passed that info onwards, but before you go you might like to consider contacting our Autism Helpline who may be able to help you with strategies and support for you and your son. Advisers can talk through the different types of support and search for services in your area, if you would like to call.

    The Helpline is open Monday to Thursday 10am – 4pm and Friday 9am -3pm on 0808 800 4104.

     

    Please see the following link for further information:

    http://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/contact.aspx

    I hope things settle down for you soon, if you have any questions in the meantime please don't hesitate to use the helpline or this forum.

    Kind regards,

    Heather - Mod

  • Dear Grumpy Old Man

    I'm really sorry if my suggestions were unhelpful or made things worse - that wasn't my intention. As an Aspie myself, empathy isn't my strong point and I sometimes say things which upset people without meaning to. 

    If you do come back and read this, I'd like to explain why I said what I did.

    I'm a woman in my 50s. Aspergers was not known of when I was growing up - I only found out about myself early this year, so nobody knew I had it. My parents were difficult to live with - very self absorbed and argued a lot, but they wouldn't let me give up, which I think was a good thing. When I got depression as a 16 year old, my mother took me to the doctor and got me prescribed a course of mild anti depressants, but I was expected to finish my studies for the remainder of the school year, take my exams and then get a job and contribute to the household income. I was expected to help with household chores from a young age. Although nobody knew I had aspergers, that didn't mean I didn't have it - I didn't just develop it this year, it's how I was born.

    I can also tell you a true story about a young man who probably has aspergers, who behaved exactly like your son after leaving school. He eventually chose to join the army, against his parents advice, and did well. He didn't stay long, but learned a lot from it.

    People with aspergers have great potential, but sometimes need a challenge and to be pointed in the right direction. It might help you to watch the documentary about Temple Grandin - she was non verbal autistic as a young child, written off by her father as retarded, but with the support of her mother she eventually went to university and is now a leading figure in the field of animal behaviour. 

    Also you say "most of the time it simply ends with us in tears, through worry.", which leads me to wonder if you need support for depression. I would urge you to seek help.

    Good luck :)

  • You say you feed him, wash for him and clothe him - I assume this means you cook his meals, launder his clothing and bedding, and buy new clothes for him? You describe him as having aspergers, which I assume means he has no serious learning difficulties and should be able to take care of his own physical needs? So stop doing his washing and buying his clothes. Show him how to use the washing machine and tell him he has to clean his own room. He has to learn to do these things - he is a grown man now and shouldn't be a burden to you.

    As already suggested, seek help from an autism support group and try to get him involved in things outside the home which might pique his interest.

    Finally, have you thought about the armed forces as an option? He could learn self discipline in an ordered and organised environment while training for a career, and it might do him and you good to have a break from each other. 

  • People with Asperger's (including myself) often suffer from secondary mood disorders such as depression.  It sounds like that may be now your son's main problem rather than the AS itself.  Has he been diagnosed with depression and is he receiving any treatment for it?  I'm currently participating in the ADEPT study in which Guided Self-Help is being developed for people with autism and depression.  If he's registered with a local autism unit, it might be worth asking them about it. 

    Is he in fact receiving support even for his autism?  It sounds like you are having to provide all the support, when he should be able to access it from experienced professionals who could for example provide specialist training and arrange work placements.  I know service availability varies across the country.

    Young men need as much independence as possible.  I speak from experience.  At his age (I'm now 55) I resented the smothering attentions my parents gave to their only child and the only solution for me was to move out.  That initially meant living in a grotty damp-ridden bedsit on benefits and, though it was tough, I was still happier on my own and soon found work and friends.  (I realise the benefits system is now less generous, though I did not have the advantage of an autism diagnosis at his age.)  Assuming he is reasonably capable, maybe you need to show him some "tough love" and withdraw some of your support or make it conditional.  The depression may need to be assessed and treated first, though.

    The fact that he's apparently on his laptop all day suggests he's still interested in something.  What does he do on it?  Maybe he has obsessions or special skills (as AS people often do) that could spark his interest in something related in the outside world - not necessarily a job at this stage.  Does he have friends, visiting him in his room or on the internet?  If so, what does he discuss with them?