Published on 12, July, 2020
Good afternoon. I have just started having contact with my son after 26 years (long story). He was diagnosed with Aspergers ten yrs or so ago, I have been told. It is incredibly hard communicating with him, he does not message me unless i send him one first. He will not ask questions when i see him. He will suddenly drift pff and stare into space.. I am at a loss as to how to deal/cope with this. Please dont judge me - I have not had any (known) contact with anyone like this before and I am really struggling to know how to draw him out of himself, if that is even possible..
There is another aspect as well as the socialising and communication problems already mentioned. For a neurotypical person engaging meaningfully with a parent after a 26 year gap would be challenging. For an autistic, it would be an even bigger problem. We have a tendency not to let go of negative feelings and events, your son may well have some resentment and have even more difficulty expressing it to you than a neurotypical with similar feelings would. I know that if I am in the company of someone I have an issue with, even a minor one, I have difficulty making myself look at them.
Maybe give Tony Attwood's book 'The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome' a read, which costs just under £20 new ~ or if that is not affordable or you'd like to peruse it before buying it; it is freely available by way of the following Portable Document Format (PDF) link:
http://www.autismforthvalley.co.uk/files/5314/4595/7798/Attwood-Tony-The-Complete-Guide-to-Aspergers-Syndrome.pdf
I do those things too. If he's personally interested in something, he's probably just thinking about it. I think that autistic individuals likely find it hard to use the phone or keep in contact with people, because of the low need to socialize, and that high need for personal space. If you talk to him about small talk and chit chat, that might be a boring topic of interest for him, so he's not going to ask questions about it. I mean I learned to do small talk and ask about people's day, but I honestly, I find these topics really boring, and rather talk about science or space or something along those lines.
And why would you want to draw him out of himself? That is likely coming from your need for socialization, but not his need for it. Socialization can be immensely draining for an autistic individual, and I avoid contacting a person if they have a high need for socialization, because they take my attention away from the things I rather be doing, and demand that I focus and pay attention to them and their needs.
I mean, that's not to judge you for your need for socialization, but if let's say that you are a tropical plant that needs a lot of water (socialization) to thrive, but he's like a desert plant, he does not need much water (socialization) to survive, so having too much water is really bad for him. He needs space to work on his personal interests in order to thrive.
So how do you communicate to him? Likely, if he's interested in something, that's probably what he'll likely share, if he's willing to share anything at all.