DESPERATE ASPIE WIFE!

Hi Puffin,

Yes, I understand where you are coming from. My partner also does things unintentionally, that exacerbate our son's condition. For example, he gave him a [thankfully short-lived] obsession about 8-o-clock, because that was the only way he could get him to bed on time.

He gets far worse behaviour from our little boy than I do. He isn't as mentally agile as I am and he is kind of deadpan in the way he gives instructs., which doesn't go down very well. Its quite wearing as I often have to go to the rescue. He won't use the visual aids like traffic lights either. I only have to threaten that I will go and get them to get compliance - that is how effective they are. 

On the other hand, there is a close bond between them - my little naughty-autie [I think he might be quite naughty even if he wasn't challenging because of the AS] loves his Dad and this is the main reason why I am reluctant to throw in the towel with him.

Our son is just 5. 

Love Rosemary xx

pleased your councilling went well Rosemary  , you did well just to get him there  , it is something my husband would never do i have asked him and he refuses point blank.  The flowers were a lovely touch, he clearly took something on board. 

I have given up now with birthdays ,valentines etc.  The worse thing sometimes is just always being wrong?!  Last night we had a little arguement over my sons martial arts class, again!  my son is a real perfectionist (which i am trying to tone down as it can cause upset) and he is brilliant at *** Sool and he is only six, but during the classes my husband and i go to watch as our son asks us to for a bit of a confidence boost.  My husband keeps commenting ,  Things like He is not paying attention, or he could do that better, only to me thankfully, but my husbands want for our son to be perfect at *** Sool is wreckinng it for my son!  We both seem to want different things out of the class, i am happy when my son looks happy and talks to another child and gets that i have acheived somethinng feeling!  My husband wants more and will not stop pushing, i almost got up and walked out last night in the class as the comments were non stop in my ear, the stress and frustration is enormous and there is no point in discussing it, i have tried and of course i am wrong!  My husband also says things , hurtful things sometimes and then denies it but i also have a good memory.

There are good times as you know, how old is your son again Rosemary?  Does he get on well with Dad?  My two conflict sometimes now as they both have quite strong opinions and they cannot both be right?!  My son also takes my side quite a bit, which can be difficult.

take care   

PS. I forgot to say - I don't actually give a monkey's if he is an aspie or not [there's no doubt he is-just like our son]. What is actually of interest is whether we can overcome the problems this causes with a NT spouse. I understand that its the ASC that is the cause of the behaviour but actually its irrelevant if I can't live with some of the behaviours. The real issue is whether he can moderate to some extent and whether I can tolerate the rest.

In my expereince of both my partner and my son, they are interesting, quirky and talented people - in my son's case, a NT child would possibly bore me now after my crazy little man! Who cares about a label???

XX

Supercheese - are you still out there?? And are you still reading?

We have had our 2nd session of counselling today and I have come away with some hope. Last week was very difficult. The counsellor concentrated on my partner [I'd seen her a few wks previously and filled her in], but the stuff he came out with in that 1st session together was completely bizarre. I was left feeling "is it the aspergers making him not understand, or is he purposely trying to derail the session?" Either way, there was a couple of times when I could have leapt up and physically assaulted him [!!!], I was so enraged by what came out of his mouth.

And then later, at home, when I tackled him, he denied saying it!!! OMG  I had to quote the exact words that had been said, which fortunately I am very good at.

So today I felt I had to take a more pro-active approach and I did! Result is that the counsellor at least [!] understands the real issues. We'll see if my partner does, but when I got home from work, there was a pretty little bouquet of flowers waiting for me. Wow! He's never EVER bought me flowers from a florist before, so that in itself is rather nice.

Anyway, I do recommend counselling - if it fails in sorting out the 2 main problems in our relationship [which I cannot tolerate any more], at least I feel I have tried and OMG!!! the relief of being able to vent my spleen in safety, without my partner not turning nasty. He couldn't very well in front of the counsellor.

We will see with interest what happens next....

Love Rosemary xxx 

THe main thing is to remember, he did not change, he is the man he always was.  And there are great things baout being married to an Aspie.  You will never find a more loyal trustworthy guy.  You will likely always know where he is at night and you won't have to worry about all sorts of things other women do.  My husband remembers every minute detail of our romance, every insignificant anniversary of everything.  He just shows his romance differently.  So there is the good side.

I think in a marriage with an Aspie, just like a marriage to anyone, there are going to be bad times.  There are going to be times you feel unappreciated and a lack of affection.  But the thing to remember is that with an Aspie, both the appreciation and affection are probably there, they are just being communicated a different way.

If you are able to get into a place where you stop mourning the man who never was, it will help a lot.  And trust me, the shock of realizing what you have married has happened to many a NT couple, so you are not only not alone in your feelings, there are a lot more people who feel it then you realize.  Marriage is hard.  But if you and your husband can find a way to meet half way, it will help.  And if you want to talk to him about the things in your relationship that are making you unhappy, do it is a non-blamey way.  Explain to him specifically what it is you need from him that you aren't getting. It is possible to reach a compromise where it isn't all him, and it isn't all you, but it is both of you getting what you need without giving what you can't give?

Yes, the rules are a bit different with an Aspie man, but that doesn't make him any less viable or wonderful a partner in the end.

Hi Supercheese,

just to say that i have been married to my Aspie husband for 26 years, so it can be done.  Life can be hard at times but it can for any relationship, there are usually issues of one type or another.  The fact you are reading up on Aspergers show you careand it has helped you understand him a bit better.  He is the same person you married.  i remember how romantic my husband used to be   i remind myself it does not meen he does not care, he just does not think it important.  There are a few books out there on being married to an Aspie, all is not lost.

autismtwo said:

We care but we will not express it.

Or when we do it'll be in an unemotional matter of fact way (or at least that's how it will apparently appear from an NTs point of view (or so I gather)).

Autism2 - fair comments, I understand because you sound sooooo much like my partner. Ha ha ha, perhaps you are him with his laptop in the next room!! [Joke!]

Unfortunately, there is one aspect of our life together that I cannot cope with any more and I don't think he will amend his behaviour, so its probably curtains. As you say, I am trying though. We have been together nearly 12 yrs and if I had known what I was going to suffer at his hands, I would not have got involved. Its all very sad for all concerned.

Supercheese - sorry to highjack your thread, babe. XX

Rosemary,, once the overall context is out in the sessions your mind will relax more and you can deal with the day to day relevant better relationship functioning. Don't give up on him to soon as you took a great step going counselling, very brave and adult of you. Well done for trying.

We are the auties is right, Aspergers people think in function, problem and solution but will talk about the negative aspects, but not really meaning to be negative as such, it is just investigating another point of view which others may gloss over or sugar coat. That Asperger directness has value especially in business., although I can understand sometimes it is not the correct lens for an emotional discussion.

Supercheese, you poor person, blah, blah. it just does not work from an Aspergers mindset hardwiring. We care but we will not express it.

Ahhh, supercheese - I just saw your reply to autism2.

This is a board for people who have ASC, as well as those who are living with those who have it.

I too found this reply patronising, but am guessing that its not meant to be. Same thing has happened to me, but as with any other forum, its best to ignore the posts you don't like and focus on those who you feel are offering you the support you need.

XX

Supercheese what a great handle, the queen of the big cheeses.

Azalea is right ~ "Vent all you need to! We feel your pain". All I would say don't broadbrush the situation all just Aspergers or Autism, his traits will be hardwired  from birth so to say but regardless of the Autism conditions, some problems can just be normal relationship social issues, which are normal at some point in everyday life.

My Brother who is good at the social side of life, says this secret to have an agrument, to clean the air, then patch up with new boundaries. Where as I tend to debate, discuss, deliberate,, etc,, until the stress builds up and rain becomes a thunder storm. So letting the weather out from the emotional sky each day is better than a hurricane.  Why don't you just let him see your post and start from there, if you loves you, you can form a new bridge.

Supercheese - I certainly feel your pain. I'm in the same boat!

At crisis point and we have had a 1st counselling session today, which has left me feeling very very angry.

We have an aspie son together, who is the apple of my eye I should say, but means that I have double trouble, lol!

BTW - I always sleep in a different room to my partner. He drives me crazy because he thrashes about in bed all night long. He once, famously, kneed me up the @rse really hard and unintentionally, in his sleep!!!

Its very hard not to take the aspie induced behaviour personally - especially when it having a horribly negative impact on your life - as is happening here.

I personally don't think we are going to last much longer - we'll see how much change the 6wks of counselling effects, but I cannot go on like this. I am already living like a single parent.

Love rosemary xxx

Actually I'm not contradicting myself. It clearly says that I discovered my husband's AS a year after we got married. My initial post also states that I've read countless books relating to AS/NT relationships too, so I have a good knowledge base.

I must say I find your reply irritating and patronising. I want some support from people in the same situation as me, because (and I quote you) "there is not enought Aspergers support out there nor carers groups for emotional support for families/wifes". Since there isn't enough info, I am doing the best for myself and my husband.

I also mentioned that since learning of my husband's AS our relationship has improved dramatically. 

And yes, I am taking the situation my marriage is in 'emotionally' as you put it, because I am a NT.

Hi Supercheese,

I am neither neurotypical nor married, but I want you to know how common this situation seems to be. I recently started seeing someone from the ADHD and Asperger's Team, and she said to my mum, "Nine times out of ten it's the men that are the problem." Since joining up here I've seen that she's right. Have a browse, you'll see countless unfortunate women complaining about men like my dad.

Oh, my dad. I could go on forever. He has a split personality - you never know which version of him's going to march through the door. He talks to me in what I call his lord of the manor voice, and thinks that just by inviting me to ask to play a game with him any time (heck, no!) that's the supportive father box ticked.

A couple of years ago I had to do a Speaking and Listening assessment, which I was really struggling with. My lovely teacher was so supportive and gave me five attempts in all, and I finally succeeded on the last one. But after the third attempt, my dad demanded to come into my room, and made it clear he thought I wasn't trying hard enough. My mum was so cross with him, especially since she'd told him NOT to talk to me about it.

Vent all you need to! We feel your pain!

Honestly, the best thing for you to do, is understand your husband better, that means learning about the condition and communicating to each other, as the traits he will have will not be personal, you are taking the situation emotionally.

The mutual space thing, is too understand what is the difference between a NT and what is an Aspergers Trait. Sleeping in different beds maybe an actual answer. But can you live with it,, your husbands traits must have been noticed, something attracted you to him. Was he mistaken of a strong silence type, I don't know ? How long did you know him before the year and a half.

If you are just looking for some sort of sympathic reflection,  find an Aspergers carers group and drink tea and eat biscuits and talk about your husband. Your are obviously not coping with the marriage adaption like your husband is probably not too. You knew he was an aspie as you married him,, so your post is full of contradictions. You can't have your cake and eat it. i.e Normal marriage and complain of not normal marriage.

You are right, there is not enough Aspergers support out there nor carers groups for emotional support for families/wifes etc.

The NAS has good lip-service about Aspergers but you will not find any real life support from the NAS service.

Thanks for your reply, but perhaps whatever you read applies to NT/NT marriages. I would like to communicate with other NTs in the same situation as me so I can have some support. I'm not sure what you mean by 'mutual space' - could you elaborate? As for moving out, that is completely out of the question, I am married and I took my vows seriously. In regards to counselling, there only seems to be support for parents of AS children. What makes me particularly frustrated is that there is enough support for parents (who will probably reside with their AS children 20-25 years perhaps) and yet there is barely any support for NT wives and husbands who may live with an aspie for 40/50+ years.

I read once that a marriage goes through 4 stages, from the honeymoon period(1-2years), powerstruggle period(10 years), stalemate period(5 years), acceptance period. The best years are the end years.

Solution: see the situation as mutual space, or move out or go too joint marriage counselling.