Starting relationships with the opposite sex

Hi I am looking for advice for my son who is 19 and wants to form a relationship with a girl but he has really bad anxiety and can not move past the initial flirting stage. Because of this he misreads the signals and it crashes and burns before it gets off the ground. Does anyone know of any literature he can read to help him. Thanks

  • I hope your son has made progress over the past year.  Dating, going out, forming relationships can be a big problem for autistic people and often takes longer.   In terms of resources, there's a new research project:

    SAAIL: https://autlives.wixsite.com/research/resources

    Then this might be useful. The site is general but autism-aware: https://www.lovenotanger.org/my-adult-child-is-still-single/

    And a couple of other threads here:

    https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/18797/relationships-and-dating-as-an-autistic-person

    https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/12989/self-employed-autistic-and-looking-for-nice-girlfriend

    I'm coming to the conclusion that despite how things usually work in our society, for a young autistic straight man with little experience, it may require the woman to make the first move, and unambiguously too.  How you arrange that is the problem.

  • Sorry I don't have any books or literature to suggest, but I can share my experience. 

    For me I didn't want to "ask a girl out" because that's a loaded sentence that has so many expectations to it; it means you have to go somewhere and plan something which caused me great anxiety.

    Planning anything causes me massive stress and anxiety especially when put on the spot. One thing you could suggest to get around this is to get your son to think of something he likes doing, or somewhere he likes going, and then just invite her to go with him. Also offer suggestions of the words he could use, a big hurdle for me is not knowing exactly what to say.

    If she doesn't want to do something he's interested in then it's probably not a good match to begin with, which is of course absolutely fine, and at least then he knows and can move on. He should also prepare himself for what to do and say if she says no (and indeed if she says yes!).

    You could also talk about expectations on dates and things to ask and say during it. My most successful date (before I knew I had ASD traits) I was able to prepare my date for the sort of things I do - eg. I said beforehand that I would find it very difficult to talk, so much so that on the actual day she thought I wasn't interested! The date was a disaster but it lead to a relationship, and I think managing her expectations had a big part to play in that. 

    As an aside, and you may have already covered this with him, I've been guilty of obsessive behaviour when it comes to girls. I am embarrassed to say that I, innocently and unwittingly, borderline stalked a couple of girls because I thought it was normal romantic behaviour (eg. turning up at their work to walk them home etc). I think I picked this up from modelling Hollywood films, there's that famous trope of turning up outside a girl's apartment and winning her heart. Avoid this!! 

    I also like EternalSunshine's suggestion. 

  • Thanks I will suggest this.

  • My suggestion would be to have him meet another girl who has autism. They'll understand each other.