Please, please can someone help me? I'm concerned about my 9 year old boy.

Hi, 

This is my first time postin, I'll get straight to it I have a 9 year old boy who I've always thought is just harder work to get through too and is a day dreamer with a incredible imagination but the older he gets the more concerned i have become it's only recently in the last week that it's even accured to me he may have always been showing signs of autism. 

He struggles with making and keeping friends however it's very unlikely to upset him, he just plays on his own very happily. He enjoys his own company. He wont budge on what hes playing or try new things like I've seen children his age doing he will just go off and do his own thing. 

He talks ALOT barely comes up for air when its something he is interested in! He is pretty loud when speaking and we find ourselves always telling him not to shout. 

He obsessive over things to the point he has almost convinced himself that he is them ie Harry Potter (when in year one made everyone in class call him Harry and signed his work as Harry) he will talk for hours to anyone who will listen about the things he is in fascination with at the time even if its clear they arent listening. I've seen this happen many times it's so sad but he is completely unaware. 

He has the most amazing imagination for a 9 year old he always wants to be playing or thinking about how a game can go, down to every fine detail and is very controlling over what part he will play however he spends the whole time thinking up a game or discussing it and telling other people and what will happen in it he rarely actually plays the game. 

He cannot cope with music or dancing period hates it you can see it physically makes him squirm. It really overwhelms him.

He Is a fantastic artist and again will only draw the same things over and over depending on what his new fascination is. 

He cant bare people touching him unless it's on his terms and even then he can look like it's almost forced with everyone but myself. When friends have put their arm over him he will remove it instantly he wont allow his brother to cuddle him at all. 

He is still very much into dressing up which I'm unsure if children his age still like doing as many grow up too fast. He will sit for hours to make his own costume if he doesnt have what he wants to dress up as.

You need to bring him down to earth to get through to him you can say his name a million times next to him and it's like he is completely deaf until you maybe move your arms around and say his name to gain his attention. 

He much prefers adult company to children's and doesnt seem to understand children and can be very bossy with them. 

He cant stand loud noises ever and gets quite irritated by them especially people eating loudly, music etc. 

He can take things very literally or completely miss the point of something you are telling him or explaining to him and goes off onto something that is totally irrelevant to what you are saying. 

These are just a few of his ways and I'm genuinely devastated that its never accured to me maybe he has some form of autism. Am I right for worrying? Please help me i dont want to go through a process of labeling him if it's just me having a panic over nothing. 

I'm literally in tears, I feel awful I've never seen it or worried about it before and I must have told him off so many times for not listening, not getting the point not playing the games other children are etc. 

Please please can someone help me? 

Thank you 

  • TBH by using words, such as, concerned and worried I have found your post and your attitude to be incredibly rude and discriminatory. There's a strong genetic link with autism, as such, your posting on a board that has many autistic parents of autistic children. How would you feel if you were in my position and you went on a parenting forum to find people posting that they were upset that their child might be like you? Would you go on a forum that contained many Jewish individuals or black people and post that you're worried your son might be like them?

    It does sound like your son is fabulously autistic. If he is nurtured, he could do fantastically well. Your son sounds exactly like my husband and despite being from a working-class background, his obsessive tendencies and need for control has meant he has been in the top 15% of earners by managing large teams since his early 30s. These traits have also meant that within a year of completing my teacher training I was promoted to advance teacher and taught my colleagues how to teach. On the other hand, we both have siblings with the PNT who crave social interaction and social acceptance and are in low skilled, low paying work as they've been heavily influenced by there peers.

    The main issues here seems to be you. Your post adds to the discrimination and stigma autistic individuals face and you've already mentioned that due to your lack of acceptance of diversity you have already behaved negatively towards your child for not conforming to social norms. My advice to you is to open your mind to the world and spend time learning about different groups and their way of being. Visit conferences, read the blogs of autistic individuals, as well as their autobiographies etc. You also might want to look at some of the documentaries regarding Ruth Bater Ginsburg, trained as a lawyer at Ivy League universities and after a successful career became a supreme court justice. I'm not sure if she identifies as autistic or not but her behaviour is very autistic. Her husband often has to fetch her home as she gets so wrapped up in her work she forgets what time it is, or to eat. It is these traits that have helped her to do so well.

    Like all people, if your son is accepted for who is, praised for his strengths and support to overcome any issues he will thrive. If he's constantly told off for being who he naturally is and is expected to fit into a framework of behaviour that wasn't designed with his needs in mind it is likely to negatively affect his mental health and self-image.

  • so the discriminatory language is coming from a lack of knowledge rather than just wilful ignorance

    AJ, I understand the point you are making, yet, I believe most adults have a general awareness of how speaking negatively about a minority group impacts upon those individuals. This includes expressing concern that the are worried someone has the same neurotype as you. It is not ok for a person to make others feel bad simply because they are feeling emotional.

    The lack of thought from other parents on how their words affect autistic individuals, including this mums post, makes me feel awful and often has me in tears.

  • online forums are not the place to ask for suggested help, especially when it comes to some one with disabilities, disorders or a venerable people such as children because most individuals have a different, lets say individual profile that means they are fundamentally different in they way they will respond to what is suggested and will more than likely cause real trauma.

    online forums may contain people who are actively malicious and will more likely give you some poor advice or you may interpret the instruction wrong and cause physical and mental harm.

    the national autism society community page has had some malicious people on it, who think autism is a made up disorder, I've even seen someone suggest using cleaning products and some real horrific things, I've seen neuro typical people on the forum using negative language to describe their autistic child and not realise that if they are indirectly communicating that to their children which make their autism, mental health, learning disabilities, physical health worsen.

    if you need support you are going to need to ask a profession face to face, General practitioner & mental health workers are not equipped with the knowledge to treat any child if they have autism,learning disabilities and mental health. its going to be struggle to get him the support and help. you are really going to have to put your foot down to be taken seriously, the longer you leave it the worse it going to affect your child.

    also your attitude and the descriptive language you've used to explain child is passive aggressive and rude. its not just the way I have interpreted it. your child is never going to a typical neuro typical child and if you intend to force him to mask it, you going to inflict physical and mental pain on him, your going to have nurture your Childs strengths and accept their weakness, how is you child suppose to accept him self and get on with life if your already so negative. 

    you don't need us to find the information of professionals the directory on the national autism society can help you find you local autism services.

    general practitioner can refer and direct you to support and diagnostic services, but like I said you are going to have to put the effort and energy and be consistent until they take you seriously.

  • Don't worry about it, worry about things you CAN do something about, you cannot change his biochemistry, it is the way he is and for heavens sake, do NOT draw his attention to his 'short comings' but rather play to his strengths .If he is blessed with an artistic bent, develop that.

    I was the same as him at that age but 65 years ago there was not the support there is today.  READ as much as you can about his condition, there are nearly as many shades of autism as there are ASD people , everyone is different, something even the 'experts' forget sometimes when they slap a 'autism¡tic' label on someone. I still drone on when uninterested but get quite animated when interested in the subject, (I am a Trekkie of very long standing and HAVE to have the uniforms, books etc.

    I was 'labeled' "lazy, doesn't try, inattentive, could try better", etc.  But once I found my niche things went OK , I got married, (28 years and now 20 years), , after a couple of missed chances and a false start but helped raise twin girls who are like chalk and cheese but both great in their own way and successful too.

    I had a flair for taking things apart and by the age of 10 I could put most of it back together again and by 18 became a noted top Lambretta and then motorcycle mechanic, much to my fathers disgust who though a successful man had to have a white collar profession.

    Like I said, worry about things you can do something about, you son is NOT one of them, just understand and support him in every way. Love goes without saying. XX

  • From a lot of what you've said, it does sound like your son has a lot of autistic traits, but I'd recommend speaking to your GP so that you can pursue a diagnosis. 

    I understand that you're not very familiar with autism, so I imagine that's where your worry comes from (I know others have fed back on the language in the post, and it is tough to hear that people are afraid of their child being autistic, but I do think the fear comes from a lack of understanding). Autism is not something to worry about - our brains just work differently from non-autistic people's brains. As with all human beings, we have our challenges and our strengths.

    I'd recommend learning as much as you can about autism. Purple Ella's YouTube videos are a great place to start; she's an autistic adult with autistic children, so she has lots of great insight. Libby Scott and Rebecca Westcott's 'Can you see me?' is a beautiful children's book that your son might relate to, and it might be a helpful conversation starter if you do talk to him about pursuing a diagnosis.

    As an adult who's waiting for a diagnostic assessment, I'd urge you not to view a label as a bad thing. Autism is not a bad word, and knowing that you're autistic means that you can understand yourself better and access the support you need. 

    I can't emphasise enough how important it is to let your son be himself. Learn about his differences and help him to embrace them.

  • Dear NAS67499,

    I am sorry that you are feeling distressed about the situation with your son.  There is a lot of information on our website and I'll give you a few links which might hopefully help:

    This page has general information about autism: https://www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is.aspx - there's masses of information here and lots of links to further detailed information.

    If you would like to speak to someone you might like to contact our Autism Helpline team who can give you information and advice.  The contact details for the Helpline are here.  The Helpline is open between 10am and 3pm Monday to Friday.  It is often very busy so if you don't manage to get through the first time please try again.

    I hope that helps.

    Regards,

    Kerri-Mod

  • have 2 children: a 9-year old boy and a 4-year old girl. Our son has always been precocious, intelligent, and sensitive. He's a very cute and charming kid, and people love him. However, he's always been a "softer" kid, and has sometimes dealt with bullying from people who call him girly, skinny, gay, etc. My husband was raised in a strict evangelical family in the rural midwest and has very traditional views on masculinity, and though he loves our son to death, this has been a point of contention in their relationship. He's always after my son to get interested in more traditionally "boyish" things like sports, hunting, cars, etc. He sometimes gets a little irritated when my son instead prefers to read books at home or play around with his little sister and her dolls.

    Recently I caught my son trying on some of my makeup - just some blush, mascara, lipstick, etc. It was a little surprising to me, but my first thought was that my son had actually done a pretty good job at applying it, LOL. I asked him what he was doing and he got really embarrassed, said he was just messing around with it and wouldn't do it again. I said okay and didn't press the issue further, since I felt he was uncomfortable.

    However, a few weeks later I found out that he had gone to school with a small, but noticeable amount of makeup. He sometimes runs directly to the carpool in the morning and I don't notice him. We only found out from the parent of a friend, who ended up calling my husband about it after school. Apparently my son had done the same thing as before, used a little bit of blush and lipstick, enough for anyone to obviously tell. My husband freaked out over this. While I wasn't home, he confronted my son, who said he'd just tried it out because he liked the way it looked. Apparently they got into a huge fight, and my husband ended up yelling at my son, spanking him, and sending him to his room.

    I only found out about all this once I got back from work. I couldn't believe my husband had reacted this way. He's never been violent with the kids before. I comforted and hugged my son, who was still crying. I told him everything was okay. He's been terrified of his dad ever since. I asked my husband what the hell he was thinking, but he said he was just trying to do the right thing for our son, and if he kept on the way he was going he would be bullied and ostracized by the other kids. He told me to keep the makeup away from our son and to start forcing him into more "masculine" activities and extracurricular.

    I'm at a loss for what to do here. I think what my husband did is unacceptable, and I don't know how to deal with this going forward. What should I tell my son? How should they mend their relationship? I want my son to be able to express himself, but I don't want him to be bullied or made fun of.

  • s is my first time postin, I'll get straight to it I have a 9 year old boy who I've always thought is just harder work to get through too and is a day dreamer with a incredible imagination but the older he gets the more concerned i have become it's only recently in the last week that it's even accured to me he may have always been showing signs of autism. 

    He struggles with making and keeping friends however it's very unlikely to upset him, he just plays on his own very happily. He enjoys his own company. He wont budge on what hes playing or try new things like I've seen children his age doing he will just go off and do his own thing. 

    He talks ALOT barely comes up for air when its something he is interested in! He is pretty loud when speaking and we find ourselves always telling him not to shout. 

    He obsessive over things to the point he has almost convinced himself that he is them ie Harry Potter (when in year one made everyone in class call him Harry and signed his work as Harry) he will talk for hours to anyone who will listen about the things he is in fascination with at the time even if its clear they arent listening. I've seen this happen many times it's so sad but he is completely unaware. 

    He has the most amazing imagination for a 9 year old he always wants to be playing or thinking about how a game can go, down to every fine detail and is very controlling over what part he will play however he spends the whole time thinking up a game or discussing it and telling other people and what will happen in it he rarely actually plays the game. 

    He cannot cope with music or dancing period hates it you can see it physically makes him squirm. It really overwhelms him.

    He Is a fantastic artist and again will only draw the same things over and over depending on what his new fascination is. 

    He cant bare people touching him unless it's on his terms and even then he can look like it's almost forced with everyone but myself. When friends have put their arm over him he will remove it instantly he wont allow his brother to cuddle him at all. 

    He is still very much into dressing up which I'm unsure if children his age still like doing as many grow up too fast. He will sit for hours to make his own costume if he doesnt have what he wants to dress up as.

    You need to bring him down to earth to get through to him you can say his name a million times next to him and it's like he is completely deaf until you maybe move your arms around and say his name to gain his attention. 

    He much prefers adult company to children's and doesnt seem to understand children and can be very bossy with them. 

    He cant stand loud noises ever and gets quite irritated by them especially people eating loudly, music etc. 

    He can take things very literally or completely miss the point of something you are telling him or explaining to him and goes off onto something that is totally irrelevant to what you are saying. 

    These are just a few of his ways and I'm genuinely devastated that its never accured to me maybe he has some form of autism. Am I right for worrying? Please help me i dont want to go through a process of labeling him if it's just me having a panic over nothing. 

    I'm literally in tears, I feel awful I've never seen it or worried about it before and I must have told him off so many times for not listening, not getting the point not playing the games other children are etc. 

    Please please can someone help me? 

    [link deleted by moderator]