Please, please can someone help me? I'm concerned about my 9 year old boy.

Hi, 

This is my first time postin, I'll get straight to it I have a 9 year old boy who I've always thought is just harder work to get through too and is a day dreamer with a incredible imagination but the older he gets the more concerned i have become it's only recently in the last week that it's even accured to me he may have always been showing signs of autism. 

He struggles with making and keeping friends however it's very unlikely to upset him, he just plays on his own very happily. He enjoys his own company. He wont budge on what hes playing or try new things like I've seen children his age doing he will just go off and do his own thing. 

He talks ALOT barely comes up for air when its something he is interested in! He is pretty loud when speaking and we find ourselves always telling him not to shout. 

He obsessive over things to the point he has almost convinced himself that he is them ie Harry Potter (when in year one made everyone in class call him Harry and signed his work as Harry) he will talk for hours to anyone who will listen about the things he is in fascination with at the time even if its clear they arent listening. I've seen this happen many times it's so sad but he is completely unaware. 

He has the most amazing imagination for a 9 year old he always wants to be playing or thinking about how a game can go, down to every fine detail and is very controlling over what part he will play however he spends the whole time thinking up a game or discussing it and telling other people and what will happen in it he rarely actually plays the game. 

He cannot cope with music or dancing period hates it you can see it physically makes him squirm. It really overwhelms him.

He Is a fantastic artist and again will only draw the same things over and over depending on what his new fascination is. 

He cant bare people touching him unless it's on his terms and even then he can look like it's almost forced with everyone but myself. When friends have put their arm over him he will remove it instantly he wont allow his brother to cuddle him at all. 

He is still very much into dressing up which I'm unsure if children his age still like doing as many grow up too fast. He will sit for hours to make his own costume if he doesnt have what he wants to dress up as.

You need to bring him down to earth to get through to him you can say his name a million times next to him and it's like he is completely deaf until you maybe move your arms around and say his name to gain his attention. 

He much prefers adult company to children's and doesnt seem to understand children and can be very bossy with them. 

He cant stand loud noises ever and gets quite irritated by them especially people eating loudly, music etc. 

He can take things very literally or completely miss the point of something you are telling him or explaining to him and goes off onto something that is totally irrelevant to what you are saying. 

These are just a few of his ways and I'm genuinely devastated that its never accured to me maybe he has some form of autism. Am I right for worrying? Please help me i dont want to go through a process of labeling him if it's just me having a panic over nothing. 

I'm literally in tears, I feel awful I've never seen it or worried about it before and I must have told him off so many times for not listening, not getting the point not playing the games other children are etc. 

Please please can someone help me? 

Thank you 

  • I appreciate that there are some upsetting comments in this thread, but I think it's unfair to make generalisations on the autistic adults on this forum, or to call it a joke. I make every effort to help people (whether they're autistic or not) and do not pass judgement on people's parenting.

  • I totally understand what youre saying. I can relate to what you are saying. I am 48 female was diagnosed with Asperger's at 42 years . As a child i struggled with what youre son does. But then wasnt diagnosed until a adult . Which meant years of frustration and anxiety. I always felt different and didnt fit in . My mother said i was very anxious starting nursery and very upset. You have trust your instincts dont let anyone tell you different. You can message me if that helps you.

  • They do think they are listening but they don’t even know what listen means. They don’t intend to be like that it’s in their genes

  • Wel if that’s what you think about all nt parents then that’s your opinion but it’s completely wrong 

  • I actually teach parents about autism and they never listen and take on board. They listen and then disregard or they twist advice into their own version of what they’d expect. 

    I know what’s it’s like to be non verbal totally outside normal reality in a sensory overload state but NT parents never listen or take it as a valid experience.

  • I completely understand that but I just worry parents are starting to not post on here as they are scared they will be criticised or blamed. It’s not helpful as these forums are sometimes the only means of help for some people.

  • NTs don’t understand that words have power and ASDs Do take them literally. That means they use them explicitly. So never any subtext or hidden meaning. 

    Even saying - “I’m concerned” is a negative. 

    Concerned about what exactly? 

    Did you know - the thing you use most was invented by an autistic geeza? 

    Words are ‘spellings’ 

  • “All their quirks will be gone” - again no one said they  wanted their child to be ‘normal’ or they would change their child in anyway. You obviously think parents get annoyed at their autistic child or don’t understand them which is wrong that maybe how your parents were but not us all !!

  • Suspect ; to have an idea or impression of the existence, presence, or truth of (something) without certain proof. 

    Your analysing and picking out certain words then turning them into a negative, they “suspect” their child has autism as it’s not been confirmed. Parents come on here for advice usually when they are struggling or feeling down yet people are pinpointing words they have used and making them feel worse about they’re parenting or saying it’s all their fault. If you are an adult with autism and not a parent to an autistic child then why are you coming onto the parent & carer forum with all intensions to do nothing but cause hurt .

  • Actually they’re judging you on how you use your words - the hidden feelings that you have are easily spotted in the way you write your posts. For example here’s a common one 

    “I suspect my child is autistic” 

    hmmmm 

    Let’s think about it for a moment.... Thinking

    ‘SUSPECT’

    noun
    /ˈsʌspɛkt/
    1. a person thought to be guilty of a crime or offence.
      "the police have arrested a suspect"
  • As a parent to a child with autism I would say don’t bother coming on here for advice , I was also met with criticism from mainly autistic adults blaming me and saying horrible things. I would go to your gp or even drop into the Carers centre as you would get much better advice and wouldn’t be made to feel like a failure off people who are judging you based on their own childhood experiences. You have every right to come on here asking for advice about your child as autistic adults come on here for advice about themselves too it’s just beyond a joke now this community!!

  • Well it does all seem very familiar. He sounds as though he has a very creative streak, which should be fostered. Unless things change a lot, your fear for him is whether or not his quirks will be accepted once he is an adult, and whether or not he will be able to hold  down a jay-oh-bee?

    My only suggestion is thatvon the one hand, make sure he knows you have got your back. Self acceptance does matter. The second is maybe look for ways where his special interests might be harnessed so that he will have applicable skills that he will be able to use once he gets older.

    Tony Attwood wrote an excellent book for children like yours, and it won't compound any depression ,fear or stigma you might be feeling, I promise.. You should seek it out, someone here once provided a link that allowed anyone here to download it legitimately for free. 

  • Sorry I havent read the full post as I am so tired. I just read that your upset really. See the gp. Also if you havent noticed it before, maybe you could be also on the spectrum

  • have 2 children: a 9-year old boy and a 4-year old girl. Our son has always been precocious, intelligent, and sensitive. He's a very cute and charming kid, and people love him. However, he's always been a "softer" kid, and has sometimes dealt with bullying from people who call him girly, skinny, gay, etc. My husband was raised in a strict evangelical family in the rural midwest and has very traditional views on masculinity, and though he loves our son to death, this has been a point of contention in their relationship. He's always after my son to get interested in more traditionally "boyish" things like sports, hunting, cars, etc. He sometimes gets a little irritated when my son instead prefers to read books at home or play around with his little sister and her dolls.

    Recently I caught my son trying on some of my makeup - just some blush, mascara, lipstick, etc. It was a little surprising to me, but my first thought was that my son had actually done a pretty good job at applying it, LOL. I asked him what he was doing and he got really embarrassed, said he was just messing around with it and wouldn't do it again. I said okay and didn't press the issue further, since I felt he was uncomfortable.

    However, a few weeks later I found out that he had gone to school with a small, but noticeable amount of makeup. He sometimes runs directly to the carpool in the morning and I don't notice him. We only found out from the parent of a friend, who ended up calling my husband about it after school. Apparently my son had done the same thing as before, used a little bit of blush and lipstick, enough for anyone to obviously tell. My husband freaked out over this. While I wasn't home, he confronted my son, who said he'd just tried it out because he liked the way it looked. Apparently they got into a huge fight, and my husband ended up yelling at my son, spanking him, and sending him to his room.

    I only found out about all this once I got back from work. I couldn't believe my husband had reacted this way. He's never been violent with the kids before. I comforted and hugged my son, who was still crying. I told him everything was okay. He's been terrified of his dad ever since. I asked my husband what the hell he was thinking, but he said he was just trying to do the right thing for our son, and if he kept on the way he was going he would be bullied and ostracized by the other kids. He told me to keep the makeup away from our son and to start forcing him into more "masculine" activities and extracurricular.

    I'm at a loss for what to do here. I think what my husband did is unacceptable, and I don't know how to deal with this going forward. What should I tell my son? How should they mend their relationship? I want my son to be able to express himself, but I don't want him to be bullied or made fun of.

  • Dear NAS67499,

    I am sorry that you are feeling distressed about the situation with your son.  There is a lot of information on our website and I'll give you a few links which might hopefully help:

    This page has general information about autism: https://www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is.aspx - there's masses of information here and lots of links to further detailed information.

    If you would like to speak to someone you might like to contact our Autism Helpline team who can give you information and advice.  The contact details for the Helpline are here.  The Helpline is open between 10am and 3pm Monday to Friday.  It is often very busy so if you don't manage to get through the first time please try again.

    I hope that helps.

    Regards,

    Kerri-Mod

  • From a lot of what you've said, it does sound like your son has a lot of autistic traits, but I'd recommend speaking to your GP so that you can pursue a diagnosis. 

    I understand that you're not very familiar with autism, so I imagine that's where your worry comes from (I know others have fed back on the language in the post, and it is tough to hear that people are afraid of their child being autistic, but I do think the fear comes from a lack of understanding). Autism is not something to worry about - our brains just work differently from non-autistic people's brains. As with all human beings, we have our challenges and our strengths.

    I'd recommend learning as much as you can about autism. Purple Ella's YouTube videos are a great place to start; she's an autistic adult with autistic children, so she has lots of great insight. Libby Scott and Rebecca Westcott's 'Can you see me?' is a beautiful children's book that your son might relate to, and it might be a helpful conversation starter if you do talk to him about pursuing a diagnosis.

    As an adult who's waiting for a diagnostic assessment, I'd urge you not to view a label as a bad thing. Autism is not a bad word, and knowing that you're autistic means that you can understand yourself better and access the support you need. 

    I can't emphasise enough how important it is to let your son be himself. Learn about his differences and help him to embrace them.

  • Don't worry about it, worry about things you CAN do something about, you cannot change his biochemistry, it is the way he is and for heavens sake, do NOT draw his attention to his 'short comings' but rather play to his strengths .If he is blessed with an artistic bent, develop that.

    I was the same as him at that age but 65 years ago there was not the support there is today.  READ as much as you can about his condition, there are nearly as many shades of autism as there are ASD people , everyone is different, something even the 'experts' forget sometimes when they slap a 'autism¡tic' label on someone. I still drone on when uninterested but get quite animated when interested in the subject, (I am a Trekkie of very long standing and HAVE to have the uniforms, books etc.

    I was 'labeled' "lazy, doesn't try, inattentive, could try better", etc.  But once I found my niche things went OK , I got married, (28 years and now 20 years), , after a couple of missed chances and a false start but helped raise twin girls who are like chalk and cheese but both great in their own way and successful too.

    I had a flair for taking things apart and by the age of 10 I could put most of it back together again and by 18 became a noted top Lambretta and then motorcycle mechanic, much to my fathers disgust who though a successful man had to have a white collar profession.

    Like I said, worry about things you can do something about, you son is NOT one of them, just understand and support him in every way. Love goes without saying. XX

  • so the discriminatory language is coming from a lack of knowledge rather than just wilful ignorance

    AJ, I understand the point you are making, yet, I believe most adults have a general awareness of how speaking negatively about a minority group impacts upon those individuals. This includes expressing concern that the are worried someone has the same neurotype as you. It is not ok for a person to make others feel bad simply because they are feeling emotional.

    The lack of thought from other parents on how their words affect autistic individuals, including this mums post, makes me feel awful and often has me in tears.

  • I totally understand where you are coming from and you are absolutely right in what you are saying and you do raise very good points, but it does sounds to me like the OP is asking for help with understanding, so the discriminatory language is coming from a lack of knowledge rather than just wilful ignorance, and seems more upset that they didn't consider the differences their child may have.

    I think it's okay to worry about things you don't understand, but as you already said there are resources out there that can help in that regard.