I am hoping to establish contact with people who have an adult son or daughter, diagnosed/undiagnosed with Asperger's, and learn on how they have communicated with them.
My son N was a very difficult child; always challenged my authority, was never happy with anything I did, wanted his way all the time, did not have any friends. He talked endlessly on the topics he was interested in and wanted one-to-one attention at all times. In adulthood, and before he met his partner, he lacked empathy to others' pain but expected full sympathy when he was in a situation.
N has opted not to have any contact with me. The last time he lived in my house was when he moved in with his partner as they had left their flat. They stayed in my house for three months, rent free. They moved to a flat and when I asked him if he was going to take all his belongings as I did not want my home to be used as storage, he reacted badly saying that 'I wanted to chuck him out'. He stopped talking to me for nearly three years with emails saying that I was an abysmal, etc. mother. There was nothing I replied to him to stop his abuse. He contacted me at some point to ask about his GCSE and A level certificates and that he wanted them. . When I said that I could meet him or post them to him, he stopped communication.
Last year, March 2018, he had been in the area unbeknown to me. He had a flat tyre and the towing truck would only take the car to a preferred spot within a 10 mile radius. I happen to be within this distance so he turned up out of the blue and asked to spend the night so that in the morning, he would get a new tyre. I thought that by showing support he would finally 'wake up' from his way of treating me. He again stopped contact completely until this past September when he left an answering machine message saying he needed his certificates. Second time. He rang me and we had a small chat but N asked again if his brother was paying any rent as he is living at home to which I said no. N said I should ask for rent but I reminded him that he and his partner had not paid rent when they lived there or that N had not paid rent when he had finished university and whilst studying a postgraduate. He accused me of giving preference and stopped communication again. He has always been very jealous of his brother.
I had asked N when he would pick up his things as it now some eight years he left home. He always has an excuse. I keep thinking that he will grow up. The last time he rang me he said that he is going to go and live in Scotland.
I feel deeply hurt at the rejection; there is no consideration for me. I always help when I have been asked to do so. I answer his phone calls hoping that he will realise that I support him but now I feel just used. I would like that he responded in a normal way. I am in despair and seek the advice of a parent who has had a similar situation.
I thought of taking his belonging to a self storage place and did go and see one but I felt as if I was buying a box to bury him. I have been in turmoil since then. I do not know how to approach him, how to talk to him, what to say.
Thank you for reading my story and hope to hear from a parent who can communicate with me.
Autistic people are like NT's, our socialisation effects how we react to situations. Your son has been taught by your responses that it is ok to treat you in this manner. As such, the behaviour has continued and escalated over time.
You need to decide what you will and won't accept and put boundaries in place. For example, as he's now had 8 years to pick up his things are you going to throw them away?
If you do have any contact details for him, such as an email, it might help you to write a letter explaining how your son's behaviour has effected you, as well as what you're doing and why. Your son is a grown man and is responsible for his actions.
Many thanks for your reply. I had explained many times how his behaviour breaks my heart but N does not seem to understand what I mean. It is my belief that he behaves like this to control me, to tell me what to do, and if I do not do what he wants, he 'punishes me'.
I understand that eight years is a long time for him to collect his things. He had told me that he would throw a stone to the window if I dared move his things. He is impulsive and I do not want the emotional drain again of dealing with him. I kept them with the thought that one day he would miraculously change his behaviour. I will write him a letter and perhaps, to cover myself, I will speak to a solicitor if he should reply and threaten me.
I tried over the years to be strong and set a boundary but nothing works with N. When he went to university, I banned him coming home as my younger son was studying for his A levels and had been intimidated bullied him very much. He of course was very angry at me. Nothing seems to work; no forgiveness has any effect. That is the reason why I feel in limbo of what to do. I appreciate your suggestions. Many thanks again.
if you dont wish to rebuild a relationship then and hes not been over in 8 years, pop his belongings into boxes and put them in the loft or similar. No need to tell him what you have done as theres simply no requirement to and his stuff is safe