Married to an Aspie

I can't relate to this as I'm not married. But I would like to comment from an autistic point of view. I'm not having a go, this is just the way I see it.

Autism isn't something that you can switch on and off. Conversation is hard for us. I only know how to talk about things I like. I find conversation about anything else seriously hard. It may come across as selfish but it's really not. It is just how the autistic brain works. Being around other people is also exhausting. 

You are married though. Something must have attracted you to him in the first place. What did you used to do? What did you used to talk about?

My tips would be to schedule things that you want to happen. If you want to spend an evening together then schedule this into your week. If you want something to happen then tell him. People with autism need others to be really specific. We don't tend to be very good at guessing.

If you expect someone with autism to change, then you are likely to be disappointed. This doesn't mean he doesn't care. It is just the nature of autism. Having said this, it doesn't mean you should be in a marriage that you are unhappy in. Maybe have a think about what has changed to make you feel the way you feel and is there anything you/he can do about it. 

I can't relate to this as I'm not married. But I would like to comment from an autistic point of view. I'm not having a go, this is just the way I see it.

Autism isn't something that you can switch on and off. Conversation is hard for us. I only know how to talk about things I like. I find conversation about anything else seriously hard. It may come across as selfish but it's really not. It is just how the autistic brain works. Being around other people is also exhausting. 

You are married though. Something must have attracted you to him in the first place. What did you used to do? What did you used to talk about?

My tips would be to schedule things that you want to happen. If you want to spend an evening together then schedule this into your week. If you want something to happen then tell him. People with autism need others to be really specific. We don't tend to be very good at guessing.

If you expect someone with autism to change, then you are likely to be disappointed. This doesn't mean he doesn't care. It is just the nature of autism. Having said this, it doesn't mean you should be in a marriage that you are unhappy in. Maybe have a think about what has changed to make you feel the way you feel and is there anything you/he can do about it. 

I am married to an Aspie (27years) but only realised last year, after many years of misunderstandings, when our son was diagnosed.

You have some good tips in here, scheduling time is crucial, and in my case insisting on some bottom lines if I can schedule far enough ahead, so that I don't end up doing important big family things on my own.

In my case I have to be several weeks ahead to get agreement from him to deviate from his planned course of action which I often don't know about till last minute unless I ask (this includes national, and even on occasion international travel, and nights, weekends or days away. He is a good provider, and our Aspie son adores him, which is partly why I stick it out, but a lot of his absence is also due to music - so random gigs I learn about at the last moment).

Setting up a routine is also very important with my son as he finds doing things he doesn't like more palatable if it's known and accepted ahead of time and not something coming out of the blue.

The difficulty for me is always being able to think on my feet and predict things, and not being frustrated when the predicted things that are unpleasant can't be prevented (missed assignments, broken treasures, unexpected trips away etc).

It does help that I am not overly attached to outcomes but I do have times when the adaptation required of me to keep things from falling apart feels too much to bear.

However, having separated on two occasions and tried to create a different life for myself, I have come to the point where I know we are in this together for life, so I need to figure out how to make it work. I have succeeded in getting new ways of going about things from him over the years, but there is also a limit to this and it's pointless expecting him to change what can't be changed. 

I think the next frontier for us is probably trying to come up with new solutions to trigger points.