Published on 12, July, 2020
Posted about him many times I'm sure....15 now, big lad. Got a diagnosis of Aspergers.Not sure if its related to Aspergers or just general bad teenager behaviour. Like most he doesn't listen, makes a mess, is moody and stroppy. Normal I guess. One thing is he generally believes hes so hard done by and thinks we pick on him. In all honestly, he gets away with murder.We try not to get into arguments with him. We warn him then we remove PC priveleges. But he wont take and gets VERY aggressive. He just cannot control himself. In the past, hes been violent towards me.Today, after some typical lazy behaviour that he'd been warned for, he got a 1 day ban. Then he got in my wifes face in a very threatening way. Thing is he would have been back on there by tommorow but hes made it 1000x times worse now.Hes a big lad. What do I do here? Yes understand teenagers can be a nightmare but surely being aggressive towards your mother is just a bit too far.Ultimately, I can see me calling the Police one day and getting him arrested.
How to deal?
The problem we have now is how to deal with this situation. It seems there are differing views whoever you speak to.
Like I said, in the past we've tried it all. The softly softly approach and it hasnt work to be honest. He just takes it as a free ride. We've sat him down many many times and calmly explained about boundaries and how violence is unnacceptable. Spoke to his CAMHS psych and his opinion is that he is 100% able to understand this and stick to this boundary and that Aspergers is not to blame here.
Without access to the PC hes a different kid - hes better behaved, speak to people, plays with his sister and does family stuff. If he never ever had a PC it would be a godend to be honest. BUT he does chill out and loves it.
Hes not got his PC at the moment since the issues. His mum is still very annoyed and upset - quite rightly and doesnt want to give him his PC back for a long, long time.
Personally, I don't know. One idea is he has no access during the week (might get him to concentrate a bit on homework) and just the weekend? I dont want to set it as a punishment (because it wont work anyway) but if I'm honest the PC is the root of all evil in the house.
It could go either way:-
1. He moans a little. He gets limited access and we get a better behaved kid because hes off during the week.
2. He kicks off because he has limited access, or doesnt understand why and thinks of it as punishment and it gets worse.
This is an incredibly difficult situation. The use of the PC might be putting him into an escalated state meaning that it doesn't take much to tip him over. I think set times that he could have the PC might be a good idea. I think it would need to be very specific so he doesn't worry about not getting it. He may not like it to begin with but hopefully would soon realise kicking off wouldn't get him anywhere.
Have you ever tried a written contract with him? Some kids on the spectrum find rules easier to follow when they are written down and for a teenager a contract can seem more grown up.
Is there something you could use as a reward? Rather than a consequence? I do think he needs to understand consequences but I'm just trying to think how you could avoid the aggression. Say he has a list of jobs/behaviours he has to stick to and at the end of the week he gets a reward? Rather than losing something and getting angry?
I hope the situation improves for you.
Thanks Binary.
99.99% sure the PC puts him in a state to be honest. I know in the past other poeple online have wound him up and hes smashed bedroom doors, thrown things, kicked things etc. When hes on his PC, homework gets neglected, simple tasks get neglected.
BUT when hes got no PC hes a different kid. Polite, does chores (all we ask is he feeds the cats if hes there, puts washing in basket, puts clothes in his cupboards), plays with his little sister and is generally a nice kid. Of course, a part of this is because hes trying to suck up to get his PC back I know. But the difference is amazing.
We've tried the contract thing. Ignored. We've cut down house rules to a minimum. All they are is 1) Respect other people live here so dont make a mess especially in common areas 2) Do your homework. 3) Treat everyone else with respect and no agression or violence. Thats it.
Trouble is hes had it easy for so long - our fault - theres nothing to reward - hes got it all.
I think we are going to have to limit the PC time to be honest.