Am I spoiling son/being unreasonable ?

Hi all any advice would be appreciated.

  • i was a single parent until meeting my baby sons father 3 years ago
  • his elder brother is now 5 and has displayed asd behaviours increasingly since the age of 2
  • his paediatrician said she believes his autism is mild and diagnosis may take a while, also he may not be classified as severe enough to ever get help
  • my son shows huge levels of frustration, he can lose the plot over the smallest thing. He develops obsessions over certain toys which it seems no one else can touch.
  • my sister has an autistic child and advised to promote sharing with less important toys but explain to his siblings/step siblings that certain toys are just for him. She said that with a new toy or for instance dinosaurs with her son he can become very anxious and it almost causes fear of losing control if someone takes them or moves them.
  • my sons current obsession is Lego, he was bought some for Christmas and as usual at Christmas had a few meltdowns when things didn’t go to plan! 
  • I know this sounds trivial but his stepdad shouts at him whenever he has a meltdown. He said in front of him “what a stupid present to buy a kid like him” when he believed it was from Santa. 
  • He consistently says things to my son like “don’t start telling tales on **** just because your mums walked in” referring to my stepson who can be awful to my child but is very crafty about being caught. My partner believes I spoil him and I’m not assertive enough.
  • my son was building with his bricks and his stepbrother would just remove a piece of Lego and start laughing when my son had a meltdown. My partner shouted at my son for not sharing. 
  • He told him his new pyjamas were “pathetic “ and when my son told me my partner shouted at him for telling tales. I though he’d done well to not retaliate! I feel like I can’t protect him enough as my partner doesn’t seem to accept he has issues and categorises him as spoiled and naughty 
  • The difference being when my child has a meltdown or becomes aggressive it isn’t hidden, but he will punch my son, shove him etc and deny it in front of his father. My son is 5 he is nearly 7. 
  • My son told me one day his stepbrother had made him touch his willy and then did it to my son. He told his dad it was my sons idea and it was only as my daughter had overheard it we knew the facts. 
  • I love my son, it’s hard sometimes but I think after bringing up 4 kids alone we managed well. Now with my baby son and partner I dread spending time with my stepson there. If he isn’t in the equation there are no issues but my son obviously needs to learn some tolerance. I don’t know what to do!
Parents
  • I don't see shouting at children as a particularly useful technique. For autistic children it can be traumatic. I understand there may be times shouting may be necessary e.g. if there is danger. But not for minor things.

    I think your sisters advice is very good. Having toys that are just his but to promote sharing with other toys. Its starting to teach about sharing but considering his own needs too. I found playing with others difficult especially with construction toys. I had an order in my head that things needed to be in and it was very distressing if someone changed that.

    The other child taking a brick may be because they wanted to join in but it may also because they've realised how much they can wind your son up by doing this. I would still find this distressing and I'm nearly 30.

    It is very difficult if you and your partner are not on the same page as both children will be getting mixed messages. I think you both need to sit down and talk and try to come to an agreement as to how to manage the two children with both of their best interests at heart.

    What you describe doesn't sound like spoiling him to me but I can't really comment without knowing your situation better.

    I also don't think it is wise for your partner to tell him off for telling tales. Even if that is sometimes what he is doing. It can be very difficult for an autistic person to ask for help/explain a problem and it won't help if he is put off doing this from a  young age. Autism can make you vulnerable as you get older and it would be better if your son can come and tell you if someone is doing something to him/telling him to do something.

    You obviously love your son and sound like you are doing a great job. I hope you can work it out as a family.

  • Thank you so much for your advice. I do struggle to coparent as I was alone and very protective of him for so long. 

    I think his stepbrother is in fact a little jealous of him, which is natural. He is smaller than my son even though he’s older which I know upsets him. I think my partner needs help understanding autism and if you could think of anyway to broach this with him that would be excellent. 

    It must be hard for him being a step parent to my son but he is in fact a gorgeous little boy and he’s very easy to love. 

  • I think you probably need to be honest with him. Tact has never been my strong point and I'm very much a tackle things head on kind of person which I know doesn't always work out too well.

    But if you just sit down with him and explain your sons difficulties with regards to autism. Emphasise that you know your son needs to learn to be more tolerant and to be able to get along with his step brother but it is going to take him longer and he needs to be helped to learn rather than disciplined. It might help to print off some information about autism to read through with your partner. 

    Does your partner get along with your sister? Maybe she could help explain as she has an autistic child herself?

    It's fine that you are protective of your son. Autism can be difficult to live with and the world is a scary place when you struggle to understand it and sometimes we need someone to protect us. 

  • Your partner is a bully and so is the stepson.  You must protect your child from both of them.  Try to educate your partner about how autism affects your son.  If he doesn't change his way you should reconsider your relationship

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