I cannot cope

Hi.

I've posted before and I'm trying to do all the right thingsI. I have a 10-year-old who is on the way to being diagnosed. She spends every single day in her bedroom.she swears at me she won't wash her neck is absolutely dirty her hair is filthy she argues all the time. She will only eat what she wants to eat and chucks her food on the floor.

I went to social services for some help because she was attacking me when I was trying to get her to go to sleep without her phone or computer and they said to give it her for now. This is because of the violence towards me.I don't really see as a single parent going through a divorce from a controlling ex partner in the middle of a divorce how I can cope. No matter what I try with her she works against it.

I don't have a support system as I've been in a controlling marriage for 15 years.I'm now having to go through the courts to keep her father away from her because he threatened to kill himself in front of her 3 weeks ago and the police have been involved.l have a molestation order.

and I'm left dealing with her daily with no help even though I've asked for help from social services I've got cams involved and they have come round and when they visited she's been all lovely and everything and they've said all yes you're doing the right thing don't wworry.They said we won't get involved because we don't want to label her.you're doing the right thing with the diagnosis because we believe there some autistic traits there.

I think I'm very depressed because I've been in an abusive relationship for so long and I I'm thinking that maybe in 6 months time if I'm still in the same situation if I haven't gone completely mad and she's just going to have to go into care. That makes me sound like the mos un caring mother ever but what choice do I have to do when I have a child that won't leave her room chucks food around his violent won't listen to me.argues all the time is abusive to me and I can't seem to turn the control around. Im  doing all the right things so that she'll listen to me and we can move forward with our lives.

I've been told that it could take up to 2 years for her to be diagnosed. The way things are going with the house and my life at the moment I can't see me be here in 2 years time if it carries on like this.

I'm so lonely and just being pushed from Piller to post by the NHS and doctor. The doctors is at the top of the road and they won't come and see her. She won't go out.

I'm in Derbyshire and lv just about had enough.

  • Hi

    The last six months have been very difficult.

    I wish I had gotten an advocate some time ago as was  mentioned.

    We lost the access court case.

    Ex is now seeing her three times a week. He has lied to the police and s service about what's happened.

    Social Care are of no help whatsoever

    My daughter is totally muddled up by November but s.services did the section 7 and supported my ex.The social worker called me the night before the hearing to tell me so as apparently I had given s.services the wrong dates and  reference number (police) of the event in Nov.

    The section seven was given to my solicitor the night before therefore giving us no time to look at the document.

    Five minutes before we went into the court room the social worker informed me that she had employed my exes solicitor on a private matter.

    I have since written a nine page complaint and when addressing the above point was told that all parties had been informed prior to the case.This is not true.

    They recently contacted me to inform me they had sent my daughters last case notes out to a local family and school by mistake.

    My daughter sees her dad but is very muddled up.He continues his campaign against.

    I think the saddest thing is my daughter being used by a sociopath who up until we broke up was calling D names, ignored, gas lighted and told she would end up in a childrens home and she had ruined his life. And at the same time super spoiling her and the effect on her has helped him in that he can say or do anything and she forgives him as he has deep pockets

    Its like he has used social services for his own ends. Or has there been a conflict of interest

    I hardly get out as my daughter is severely social anxious  and he does and says anything he can to try and make my life harder..

  • I’m good thank you, muddling along pretty well. How has your week been? Do you feel that things have improved since you first started this thread? 

    I’ll have a look at the stuff by Dr Ross Greene. My own daughter, 23 months finally has her paediatrician review next week. 

    Re making friends or going out. Some craft/other groups meet during the day (when your daughter is at school). Maybe check google or Meetup for groups near you that run during school hours. Meet-up is where I found a good local craft group that I now attend. It’s not good to have only ourselves for company when we’re going through a tough time. 

    How are your plans going to start up a coffee for parents with autistic children? 

  • Hi 

    I am pleased to have managed to get her the appointment.

    just so difficult at the moment to have friends or make new friends because I can't go out very much.x

    I found something you might find interesting it's Dr Ross Greene..v interesting  views and practical ways of treating children with development cognito delay..

    Hope you are well Kitsun and had a good week.x

  • Go to your account, go to your profile, click edit profile, a text box comes up with your forum name which you can then edit.

    Wow! this month! that's really quick! I'm glad you've finally managed to get the ball rolling and an educational psychologist too, sounds like they are making up for lost time! 

    Sorry to hear that you're feeling lonely today. I've had to do a lot of work on myself the last year to push myself to learn social skills, make friends, go to groups etc. Where there's a will there's a way :-) Do you feel that it would help you to make more friends?

  • We've just joined one . The only problem is that l cannot go  as my daughter won't go out...but saying that she will have to soon to go to appointments.

    Makes me wonder whether some of this is just about control regardless of the conseqience

    There should be a nationwide support service BlueRay that is equal 

    Youre right there's a whole section of care missing.

    Also l often wonder if you break down autism into its components then doest the outlook seem better in the long  run?

  • I wish I could come round and see you and your daughter and spend some time with you both. I’m a 51 year old but I can very much relate to your daughter and I know we’d get on. My auntie told me the other day, that when I was young, I had been so good that they took me out for the day. She said I was really good all day, but on the way home in the car, everytime any of them spoke to me, I would spit at them. She never took me out again! And if I had a choice, I would never get washed or dressed again and I only eat or drink when I want to which means I often go for days, literally, with no food or drink. It’s just the way I am, but I have a specialist autism support worker now and she’s helping me put together a plan that will help me to eat and drink more regularly ~ I hope! 

    This just makes me even more inspired to follow through on my plans to create a nationwide autism group/support service. 

    Are there no careers/parents support groups in your area? Our caters support group gives free massages and all sorts of things. They’re really great although I know services are not the same in all areas.

    Holding you in my heart X

  • I must change that you know Kitsun..how do u do that.

    It's this month..l don't want to put the date because I don't want to tempt anything going wrong.

    I also have a educational psychologist coming round near that date as well.

    I do wish I had friends with children that would come out and encourage her to come out though. . She's becoming so reclusive I worry about her.

    also later on this month have an appointment at the physiotherapist's for her to see if her erb's palsy that she was diagnosed with that birth is still there or whether it's even cerebral palsy.

    Thanks for replying. Feeling v lonely today.x

  • Yay! :-) well done! How long do you have to wait?

    I've just realised that we've spoken on a couple of other threads but because you use a number not a nickname I didn't recognise it as you. Please excuse me being a jellyhead!

  • Hi

    I have done it. I've got her first appointment..v soon. For diognoses.

    It's v local so all l have to worry about now is getting her there for 10.30 in the morning

    She went out once last week and is stuck on what happened in November. 

    I'm so angry with her father..it's so crazy and cruel to treat a child like that let alone someone with autism.

    Also to the lady who mentioned private messaging as we're in similar positions  ..can't see how you do that. Is that possible?

  • Sounds like you're having a tough time. It's not easy at all! Online forums like this are great. I'm in Kent but we have many support groups we can access even if there is no diagnosis run usually by parents with neurodiverse children. Some meet up and others are simply Facebook groups.

    My son can be awful at times and I blame myself and feel upset. I'm on my own too. We've had tough days and fantastic days. Hope you get the help and support you both need. It won't always be like this x

  • Hi there.

    Yes it's v similar.

    the one thing that has made my life different is my daughter started school locally where they have a high proportion of autistic children and this worked in her favour.

    Because they have such a numbers they do with everyone the right way.

    are there any schools local to you l that that she could possibly go to and then you will get the help because the teachers and the head will see her behaviour and know exactly what's going on.

    My daughter is due to seei a Ed psychologist at home in 3 weeks time.

    She will also be having up to 5 hours schooling at home.

    but this is only come about because her head teacher is fully aware that she has always been autistic and other schools have never dealt with it and she is in a desperate situation now where she really needs a lot of help.

    also the other thing I'd like to tell anyone reading this is I started my daughter on some Nordic pure dha fish oil gummies and literally from the first day she has been so much, it's been amazing.

    it sounds as though your husband is quite totalitarian in his style of parroting if that's the right word to use.

    The methods he is  suggesting won't work and it will actually make her worse from my eexperience.

    I am a firm believer that autistic children especially pick up on atmospheres i created by adults and if those adults are overbearing or negative then it can make a huge impact on the child's well being.

    Do u belong tot the ADHD.ASD group on Facebook.? It's for carers and parents.

    hopel l have not made too many spelling mistakes I have terrible problems with my eyes at the momen

    Take Care of yourselves.x

  • Hello,I have changed my setting so that I can receive private messages-I tried to send you a PM but I see that this is not currently possible, as previously stated ,please feel free to get in touch.In the meantime,thank you @NA S5003,it has offered comfort to identify with all that you have described-to share experiences with another who really knows how difficult and stressful this is ,it does help .Xxx

  • Hello,I live in Scotland but would be happy to stay in touch-don't feel that I've got to grips with the various settings on this forum but will check to make sure I have unlocked my private message setting-think it is currently locked but as soon as I have finished this reply I will endeavour to change my current settings.Please feel free to send a PM.Great to hear that the school is supportive.I feel like I am getting things done now too-I feel I need to pace myself in a bid to avoid being overwhelmed.Xxx

  • I've just realised l missed your post. 

    Yes it's v similar and l would v much like to keep up to date with each other .

    It's v difficult and stressful. I'm begining to get things done.

    Her school are amazing and the head second to none. Just wish l had found them earlier.

    Not sure ehere u are. I'm starting a autism parents group as l think it's needed locally.

    Our life's are quite parallel.

    I hadn't seen your post .It's just come through in an email now.

    X

  • Hello ,yes my daughter has experienced 'shut downs'.Things seem to be better as she has time away from school and not seeing her dad is certainly helping too!-she has seen him on a few occasions over the past couple of months but only when I am there-he has not helped the situation as he has been adamant that our daughter could be 'fixed' if 'proper discipline' was enforced-on a couple of occasions he told my daughter that she needs to 'toughen up' and if she didn't try/go to school, she would live with him to make sure that she does!!!!!When it comes to school and her dad I have been left to pick up the pieces!School have listened to dad's views but not mine,(he has maintained that discipline is needed-I know he has his own issues to deal with-denial about this and our daughter is (putting it mildly) most unhelpful! It is highly likely that the current school provision is unsuitable-they claim to have a support base but it is clear to me that it is a 'dumping ground/baby sitting service-better that my daughter is at home than in an unwelcoming environment-I have had to push for everything-the school have not helped -I have requested ED Psych input,and have requested a CSP for my daughter-the only legally binding document relating to her education-I am fed up with pointless meetings with the school and will be keeping a paper trail from now on-I'll be taking the school to task and my daughter's dad (I have kept a record of events and have kept CAHMS informed of concerns about my daughter's dad too)-I have a few things up my sleeve should he persist in doing and saying things that send my daughter into a state of alarm and fear-he has many of his own issues to deal with-my daughter is not responsible for his happiness!!!! The school have had no leadership -this has very recently changed but time will tell how effective this could be,Ed Psych -first meeting seemed like a waste of time as the school ignored advice-(however,the first meeting was necessary as it can now lead to a multi agency meeting)It is a battle to get people to listen but I do believe that the health professionals are listening and DO want to help to advocate for my daughter-I have contacted 'Enquire' for advice regarding my daughter's rights /education- I have a long list of agencies to get in touch with-support as a single parent,contact for Advocacy worker-extra help to back up my daughter's voice in terms of school and her dad's unwelcome and unhelpful interference...Tough but all is so much better than it has been-my daughter and I are a team,things could be better but they certainly have been so much worse!We are getting there.Sounds like we share very similar experiences-when I first read your post it felt like I had written it! I've gone through the 'CAHMS' not wanting to 'label' my daughter prior to and during the assessment period-it makes sense now as they can not do this until diagnosis has occurred.It is all so tough going but it does get better-keep doing what you are doing,give yourself a pat on the back-do what feels right even if other folk tell you it is wrong-the professionals have been saying that you are doing right by your daughter and they are right!Our experiences are so similar-please know that you will look back and give yourself a huge pat on the back and think 'well done me!'-keep going,keep doing what you are doing.Wish there wasn't a substantial geographical difference -I'ld be attending the coffee morning-wishing you and your daughter all the best.Xxxx

  • It sounds like that diagnosis can't come soon enough.

    I'm glad that you had a lovely evening yesterday, it sounds like slowly things are starting to improve, hopefully that continues

    A coffee morning for parents of autistic children sounds like a fantastic idea. good luck and let me know how it goes

  • The shut downs seem to happen a lot. To me l have to work out what in her environment or maybe something l have done or said that seems totally irrelevant.

    Yes they are aware. I'm hoping to get the official diagnoses soon.

    Had a lovely evening yesterday.Slight smile

    Im going to speak to my doctor's about using there facilities for a coffee morning for parents who have autistic children. 

    Making it a positive thing and see if l can get speakers to attend. Fingers crossed.

  • Hi, sorry for delay in replying, been busy with the children and housework!! I’m just reading the full article as I type and adding comments here every so often.

    Shutdowns are not something that I’ve ever suffered from. It sounds like a stressful situation causes the mind to be exhausted enough that it needs to shut down for a period of time to enable it to recover. 

    I also found this study which explains the effect of stress hormones on the brain:

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-athletes-way/201402/chronic-stress-can-damage-brain-structure-and-connectivity

    Rather worrying if you ask me!

    The Miller and Hendricks article does give some good advice at the end on managing shut downs. How often does your daughter have shut downs? Have you discussed them with her care provider?

  • YOU MUST GET AN ADVOCATE. I USE A COMPANY CALLED POHWER. I HAD PROBLE WITH SOCIAL SERVICES MY DOCTOR UNTIL THEY HELP. YOU SEE SO MUCH CORRUPTION GOES ON UNTIL YOU GET AN OUTSIDER LOOKING IN. TEY ARE TO AFRAID THEN TO MAKE MISTAKES.

  • I found the article. I'll try to read it all tonight once the younger children are in bed and let you know what i think of it.