How can I help me adult son ?

My son is 37 and has High functioning Asperger's I am his carer as well. I struggle every day, watching him suffer Cry  He has never had any friends, either through childhood or as an adult. As a parent I have tried to find ways of helping him find friends and get on in life.

He even tried "Meet up " and the two groups he joined where not very accepting of him . I even started my own support group for autisic adults in my area, it's doing extremely well. I had hoped my son would make friends with members who are so lovely, but it hasn't happened . To say I feel a failure as a parent is an understatement. Around us people are getting on with their lifes, have friends, partners, etc. He so wants to find someone to love him, get married, have children.

It breaks my heart into pieces seeing him looking at couples when we are out, or families with children. It's heartbreaking hearing my son saying I will die lonely & alone. As a result of how my sonCry feels, I take on his feelings .I have the chance of happiness with someone who loves me, but how can I plan my happiness knowing my son is unhappy ? I feel like am rubbing his face in it Cry 

The man who loves me knows all about my son and fully understands he will always come first. But is it really fair on me to except him to accept my life is not completely my own. My son has been let down by services yet again, and the progresd I'd made has now gone down the drain. He can be so negative and that's nearly every day .

I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel, my extended family have their own problems to listen to mine. To the outside world I have no problems, God if only they knew. Wherever I go my son goes, I love him of course. But I want my life back, I want to live what life I have left happy with the man I love. People say supported living would be good for my son, but I would feel so guilty if he went into one. At home I know he's safe, does that sound silly ?

Sorry for all my moaning but am finding it hard to cope right now with all the negativity around me Frowning2Sob

  • Hello,

    I come from a different perspective. I am the husband, who's wife has 2 ASD children.

    I called the NAS today to ask for support on how i can best help support my wife with the journey she goes through day in day out with the children. My personality lends me to want to read about ASD in academic terms, so i can tailor my behaviour and help the children, and my wife, have the most fulfilling life possible. However, my time with the children is small compared to hers, so i make it my aim to ensure my wife feels loved, and appreciated - but also, admired. The things she goes through and the fact that she is still standing here today are remarkable.

    Parents dealing with any "level" of ASD are in my opinion heroes.

    What i am finding and hoping people agree with me is that, the ASD traits, aren't necessarily the biggest issue, day to day. Of course they are an issue, but the secondary issues, such as depression, and loneliness, self-worth are the issues that compound themselves day in day out and have the most wide reaching affects. What can i do? I feel the state is letting us down at the moment.

    Any advice on things i could do better?

  • I'd look at Meetup again - I've joined some groups on there that proved to be a bit of a clique but others are great. Does he have any interests like D&D or any other hobbies? I also joined the local model engineering group because I make all sorts of large models.

    One of the meetups was a maths & puzzle-soving group - that was fun.

    What does he like to do?

  • I saw this and thought of you... 

  • Thank you your words they are so true, my son tells me to think of myself. But you know what it's like we never do Slight smile

  • Hello Plastic Slight smile my son would love friends, but no matter what he tries he doesn't make any. He has friends online, but he wants real friends he said. 

  • Hi. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult place. I'm a mum so I understand. Your plea about having a life of your own is valid. You can be a loving mum to your son and have a loving relationship with a partner, especially if that partner accepts your son's place in your life. By being happy in your own life you will be stronger and more able to support your son. Postponing your happiness until he is 'fixed' can't work because autism can't be fixed or turned off. It's just there and manifests differently for each individual. Putting positive things into place in your own life will help you to avoid sinking into depression. Both of you being depressed is no good.  I have several children. If I waited for all of them to be in a good place in their lives before allowing myself to feel any happiness I'd never get there because there's always something going on for one of them that's upsetting. I'm no specialist but I've lived long enough now to know that life is short, happiness comes on moments, not years, and one of the best gifts I can give my children is to be as positive and stable as I can so that they know they can rely on me and I'll be there for them. No mum can fix everything for her children but can do her best to fix herself. Wishing you great happiness in your future. 

  • What does your son want to do - does he want to meet people or are they too much hassle for him? Does he see staying with you as the easy option?