How can I help me adult son ?

My son is 37 and has High functioning Asperger's I am his carer as well. I struggle every day, watching him suffer   He has never had any friends, either through childhood or as an adult. As a parent I have tried to find ways of helping him find friends and get on in life.

He even tried "Meet up " and the two groups he joined where not very accepting of him . I even started my own support group for autisic adults in my area, it's doing extremely well. I had hoped my son would make friends with members who are so lovely, but it hasn't happened . To say I feel a failure as a parent is an understatement. Around us people are getting on with their lifes, have friends, partners, etc. He so wants to find someone to love him, get married, have children.

It breaks my heart into pieces seeing him looking at couples when we are out, or families with children. It's heartbreaking hearing my son saying I will die lonely & alone. As a result of how my son feels, I take on his feelings .I have the chance of happiness with someone who loves me, but how can I plan my happiness knowing my son is unhappy ? I feel like am rubbing his face in it  

The man who loves me knows all about my son and fully understands he will always come first. But is it really fair on me to except him to accept my life is not completely my own. My son has been let down by services yet again, and the progresd I'd made has now gone down the drain. He can be so negative and that's nearly every day .

I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel, my extended family have their own problems to listen to mine. To the outside world I have no problems, God if only they knew. Wherever I go my son goes, I love him of course. But I want my life back, I want to live what life I have left happy with the man I love. People say supported living would be good for my son, but I would feel so guilty if he went into one. At home I know he's safe, does that sound silly ?

Sorry for all my moaning but am finding it hard to cope right now with all the negativity around me

Parents
  • You can sound like a fantastic Mum, who really has gone to great lengths to help your son. I would suggest that you try to convince him to start posting on this site. The people here are both knowledgeable and kind.

    One of my cousins is in a supported living house. His parents were reluctant at first, but soon came to realise that it was beneficial for everyone. And the decision had to be made one day. It won’t hurt to look into it, at least you will have some control over where he goes.

    I say that without knowing your son, you both may feel that he is able to improve his independence without recourse to supported living. Has he told his GP that he is feeling down? I know doctor surgeries are not favourite places for autistic people - I hate them - but some help with depression may improve his motivation. Does he have any special interests? A special interest can be a way of slowly introducing yourself to others. A common interest can remove the need for idle chit chat, that some of us find so difficult to master. Does he use a smartphone? There are apps that are supposed to help autistic people in social situations. I don’t have a smartphone, so I have no idea how effective they are. It might be worth looking into as a first step. 

    I hope you manage to motivate him to be a little more adventurous. All the best, Graham.

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