Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello. My son is aspergers and we were fortunate to have had an early diagnosis (since 3.5) and supportive childcare and school. Outside of the home, he often masks it well but can be challenging at home
He has recently started to become aggressive and hurt his 3 year old sister. It’s usuallg when they’re playing, get a bit excited or the usual fights over toys, but he can flip and grab her hair, pin her down - and it frightens me.
To me he’s by nature actually a very gentle boy (not a rough and tumble kid) but flips and he can’t control himself. He also “let rip” at his childminders this week for first time and trashed her sitting room. She had to remove her other children for their safety. We’re aware she has a care of duty for the others and if he can’t control himself there she can’t have him.
We’ve tried different tactics - giving him time out, taking toys away or losing privileges but it’s always after the event and to be honest it doesn’t make much difference. In calm moments I try to talk about the impact, how would he feel etc. He seems contrite but it keeps happening
If anyone has been in a similar situation and has any tips or ideas to try I’d be grateful to hear. Thanks you!!
Could you flip it round and concentrate on the positive behaviour rather than the negative? So its a reward for good playing etc rather than a consequence for bad. At 6 he may buy into it more. Go through with him what good and bad playing is. Pictures can help for understanding.
It may also help to have some strategies for when this behaviour is happening. It will be difficult for him to recognise at 6 so will need a lot of adult prompting but as he gets older he may get better at managing it himself. Having a safe place to go in his room like a tent or something can be helpful.
Good luck.
Thanks, that’s a helpful reminder. We used to do reward charts etc and they were effective - I guess I thought he might have grown out of them but probably not and we haven’t tried for a while. Thank you.
the safe place works less well. He actually feels excluded and then gets more angry (even though the solitude helps calm him when it’s volubtary). Maybe we need to think of more positive ways of directing him that way when we see things spiralling.
At 6 it can be difficult to understand that a safe place is helpful rather than being isolated. Could there be a special toy or fidget or something he likes that he goes to get when he gets agitated? It may not feel as bad as being sent somewhere else but the walk to get it and the comfort of the item itself might help him to calm?
Every person is different so it is all about finding the right thing for him.
I’ll see if we can think of something. He’s very attached to me so he prefers to be close if he can be (he doesn’t need/want me to interact - just my presence!) but we can find something I’m sure and see if it helps.
Thank you for taking the time to offer some practical suggestions. Deep down it’s stuff I know but I need to be reminded of at times.