Can't take much more

Hi I read your post and certainly know what you are going through. My daughter was extremely violent in primary school. I don’t want to sound patronising and teach someone to suck an egg, when I basically made it up as I went along. But after finally convincing the teachers to follow our way and spending a couple of days in there to see how we deal with it finally helped. 

Now in secondary because the corridors are bare, narrow and darker due to not been a new bright shiny school we have had two violent outbursts but at the end of the day.

now she is more verbal she has said the school felt like it was making her fall out of the sky and gave her a ‘eurgh’ feeling when she was red.

from the age of three her extreme violence lead to negative comments so I instigated a ‘punishment’ routine! As I’m aware at 18 she will have to make her own independent path and the violence that I could make excuses for and manage will have more serious consequences at that age. We colour coded her feelings because her language is that of a toddler in meltdown mode. So I bought hundreds of red, yellow, green and a few special sparkly ones. They all had faces to try and express what she was feeling. From been 3 in nursery after strangling the teaching assisnt because she swore. The poor woman only said sit down now! She has a home school very pretty academic diary. We are also very open about the behaviour and it’s not acceptable to hurt people and we discuss and set up situations and I talk out loud saying how I might feel and what I could do and she could then try and say how she felt and what triggered it. But to ask directly she had no language. Therefore the daily diary was for teacher to write days events. So I could discuss with her at home. As she couldn’t write I told the teacher to left her choose a sticker that was honest about her behaviour that day. I’m actually still shocked at her willingness to put in red as my teenagers would have begged not to. We found that 1sticker for the whole day was too long and she then choose one for morning and one for afternoon.

ive always told her that I won’t make excuses for her violence to others, but I absolutely do understand why it happens but I will never condone the extreme violence we deal with. Because of that we had a consequences box as she needed to learn to reflect and have empathy towards others but also know I’m not punishing her because I know it’s out of her control. The consequences increase in severity that were all chosen by her. Nothing terrible really for us but to her they were devastating. One was having to put her special things in the school drawer for 15mins, not having a friend in to dsp before break and the ultimate was not gossiping with her friend at lunchtime and completing missed work. She used to cry but never ever asked to change it.

she was also made to apologise to everybody, to tell them why she was sorry in her own way, how she thinks it made them feel and she would always hug them as she would be heartbroken at what she had done. I mean I’ve been kicked down stairs, chairs thrown in my face, knives been pulled, punched, but, hot drinks thrown on me, pushed into oncoming traffic, spat on but I’m now seeing benefits of the nightmare meltdowns. She is able to self regulate more and high schools strict rules and no getting away with things has helped her so much.

Ive found she is worse when she hasn’t understand tone of voice, facial expression, what somebody has said or done and interpreted it in a different way and become confused. As the school wouldn’t listen when I said she could repeat a whole book back to you and sound like she knew but ask her to explain and she would throw the book in your face. A perfect example was a quiet room that was built and done lovely. She talked about how good it would be and helpful, strategies were put in place to use it before the violence erupted. But she became like a rabid dog if you ever tried to get her over the doorway. This went on for weeks and constantly had to leave work. In a casual conversation to ofsted during an inspection as her needs were really high and they wanted to check if she got hurt whilst the teachers restrained she perfectly mimicked her class teachers Scarborough warning from the day before and innoncently said ‘I’m not going to be red today because my teacher said that if children aren’t focused, trying hard, making progress, or asking good questions, answering nicely, hands up and no gossiping, finishing corrections, walking politely and a definite, big fat no to me swearing, throwing things, running off and having a red meltdown because I haven’t used my traffic lights properly and made the school noisy and scared you all 

And let ourselves down but not putting our good foot forward: though I don’t have a good foot I have two good feet: if I had one I would fall over: but it would be letting down all the children and people who love our school because you will close it straight down and look it up and we won’t be able to get coats or Home and teachers are very kind, they will be made at us letting them down. Nobody will have a school to go to because you will have chained it all up and I love the school. I know to put up my arm with the watch on I want to answer and the one without if not because all the children have to put there hand smartly! Because if I’m red the two men will carry me and throw me in the cupboard, take the magic unlocking card and leave me in the cupboard forever as the handle doesn’t open correctly and is for giants. I hate them locking me up in the cupboard!

the head and ofsteds faces were a picture. The hurriedly asked where this cupboard was.. it’s a room big enough for 6deskd, a hotdog cushion, sensory toys, bean bags etc, windows on all sides and a handle that face the other way. But wasn’t the little dingy broomcupbaord they expected.

but how she actually viewed it was a shock to us all but explained it, it’s when we really started to notice she repeated what she was told and even got excited and it’s was just mimicking and what she really thought or understood was very different. She was petrified if she became read the school would be wtapped in chains and they would never go to school again.

she also struggled with the teachers trying to be nice, sing singing to try and cajole her out of a mood. It would make Implode and now she says it’s because it felt like on itch you would get under a pot that you can’t get but it would be in her ears scratching and getting in her brain and tickle it so she couldn’t itch it but would make her blow.

perfumes, buttons couldn’t be worn and more than one instruction, and lying about time. Mum they said I had ten minutes and so I stopped at ten minutes but then they said I hadn’t finishrd but they gave the time. In the end she had sand timers and Work was to be finished before the timer. 

They were just little ways I saved myself from the extreme violence. I was even asked by social workers in the hospital where I work if I needed to discuss anything, how was it with my partner?? I was single! Because lots of colleagues had noticed the black bruises all over me.

My only useful tip is stock up on arnica, stash luxury chocolate away for yourself, I had a bottle of expensive vodka in my bedroom that lasted a year as I don’t drink, some nice bath bombs, Kleenex pack stashed away as the rough made me look like a reindeer, for those terrible moments when it’s all gone crazy and you are left battered, bruised, upset emotionally, physically and drained, exhausted and scared for Wht could happen next and just need something nice. That’s when I have a square of the expensive chocolate I wouldn’t dream of buying normally, if it’s safe at that point I will run a bath, but in a bath bomb, taking the small pack of Kleenex to hide my face, get a little drink and sink into the bath and 5 mins been selfish and kind to yourself -I cry like a baby- then get out refreshed and ready for round 10! But always be kind to yourself too. I found it helps to carry on. 

Hi NAS37758,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. If you feel like you need someone to talk to, it might help to try the NAS Parent-to-parent service, which offers confidential emotional support from trained volunteers who are also parents to children with ASD, and can be found here: http://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/parent-to-parent.aspx

If you'd like to talk to someone from NAS more generally for advice, the NAS helpline is available here: http://www.autism.org.uk/get-involved/about-us/contact-us.aspx

Best wishes,

Ross - mod

It makes sense and doesn't offend me.

Here's a recent blog about PDA that I've linked to before - it's a bit critical, but also mentions techniques specific for PDA:

https://autisticmotherland.com/2018/05/23/pda/

He just says i don't understand but when i ask what's wrong it is everyone else's fault even if he is the one who started whatever it is or he doesn't wanna talk about it or after a meltdown doesn't know why he's done it. I am always calm i will try and understand and try and reflect. We suspect he has pathological demand avoidance (PDA) which isn't as well known as the normal autism if that makes sense without offending anyone.

Everyone has a breaking point, parents just have to hang on a bit longer. It sounds to me that he has reached his ... he's trying to say something but is frustrated because he feels nobody is listening; so he tosses his rattle out of the pram! Once he's lost-it, then there's no going back. He probably realises he's over reacted, and is sorry, but doesn't even know how to say that.

To me it is/was like being in a goldfish bowl. You can't really hear clearly what people were saying, but you can see. And when you try to say something, they don't hear you, or don't understand ... so they just laugh at you. I suspect he feels that if only he was given a chance and if people would listen, he'd be as good or better than any of them. And he probably will be.

If he's an Aspie, I suspect your son understands the lessons easily enough, and he sees others struggling with them. He has no friends in the class so nobody wants to sit with him. Playground is hell. I suspect he has reasoned that he doesn't really need to go to school to be abused, he can learn stuff anyway. But it's complicated to explain to you, and in the meantime he keeps being sent. Sent to school against his wishes ... But he can't bear it any more. So that's breaking points all round!

And there is probably jealousy too. His new sister doesn't have to go to school, and inevitably gets all mums attention. And your new partner is also taking your attention away from him. It was just you and him for so long ... so now he starts to feel rejected. He just wants his mum back. He's a very little man ...

I'm an Aspie, I may not be right, but I speak it as I see it ... Please don't be offended, but if you find any of it is useful that would be wonderful. 

Best wishes. Ian

What is it that he says when he's telling you what's wrong? What are the difficulties he mentions?  

he does sometimes tell me i don't understand. I wanna help him and we do everything in our power but i think everyone has a breaking point. 

hi he's year 5 in primary school. when he attacks teachers most of the time he says he is bored of the work and doesn't want to do it anymore. we are waiting for his report to come through but i would say he is high functioning at a guess he is very articulate for his age and very advanced academically. we think he has pathological demand avoidance (PDA) he doesn't do well when he doesn't get his own way and 9 times out 10 it will end in violence.  

Hi I am not a medic, but a retired adult male engineer, only recently diagnosed Aspergers (ASC) myself. I have never really been violent but have had my share of 'meltdowns' over the years. Looking back I can see that my meltdowns have origins in my inability to express something, or the failure of others to understand 'what I'm really trying to say. Aware now of my condition I am better able (I hope) to see this happening and just shrug my shoulders and (hopefully) move on ... but I can imagine as a 10yr old it is not that easy. Can I suggest that he may be trying to communicate something quite subtle but quite important to him ... and failing to do so. 

I feel very sad for you and for him, he probably just wants to love you and genuinely doesn't know how.

Very best wishes to you both. Ian

Unless your family has someone with ASD in their home do not listen to them! People think they know what it’s like and try to be helpful by saying things and giving advice. They haven’t got a clue. 

You mentioned he’s 10 so secondary school. Probably something stressing him out. A lot changes towards end of term too. Perhaps talk to school. Mention his behaviour has changed (don’t go into detail how) and ask if they can think of a reason. 

I would suggest the aggression is anxiety driven. I don’t know how good he’s at communicating his feelings and I suspect not very open. So you need to find a way of working out what it is that’s worrying him.

If you can fix it for him great if not just be there for him. A LOT of reassurance and a lot of praise for good behaviour. 

And also make sure he understands how his behaviour is affecting others. You can say something like “when you are angry it scares your little sister”, children with ASD often just don’t see it and it needs to be pointed out to them.   

I wouldn’t punish him for it per say but make sure to say that this behaviour is not acceptable (after he’s calmed down!).

Most importantly trust your instincts. Not other people who don’t understand how it is to be walking on eggshells around your own child. You know him best!

And no it’s not creepy to be scared it’s natural. 

Firstly