This is my first post. My son is 10 and newly diagnosed ( 2nd may) for just over a year now my son's violence has got worse. It's now a regular occurrence weeks it's every day. We have tried everything and i am lost. He has started attacking his teachers aswell (he's in mainstream). My partner has 2 days off a week and they are when my son's at school i am left with my daughter who is 10 months and him the rest of the week which is when he is at his worst. I feel scared of being left with him. Everything is a weapon. Am i wrong to be scared of my 10 year old my family say it's stupid. What do i do?!
Unless your family has someone with ASD in their home do not listen to them! People think they know what it’s like and try to be helpful by saying things and giving advice. They haven’t got a clue.
You mentioned he’s 10 so secondary school. Probably something stressing him out. A lot changes towards end of term too. Perhaps talk to school. Mention his behaviour has changed (don’t go into detail how) and ask if they can think of a reason.
I would suggest the aggression is anxiety driven. I don’t know how good he’s at communicating his feelings and I suspect not very open. So you need to find a way of working out what it is that’s worrying him.
If you can fix it for him great if not just be there for him. A LOT of reassurance and a lot of praise for good behaviour.
And also make sure he understands how his behaviour is affecting others. You can say something like “when you are angry it scares your little sister”, children with ASD often just don’t see it and it needs to be pointed out to them.
I wouldn’t punish him for it per say but make sure to say that this behaviour is not acceptable (after he’s calmed down!).
Most importantly trust your instincts. Not other people who don’t understand how it is to be walking on eggshells around your own child. You know him best!
And no it’s not creepy to be scared it’s natural.
Hi I read your post and certainly know what you are going through. My daughter was extremely violent in primary school. I don’t want to sound patronising and teach someone to suck an egg, when I basically made it up as I went along. But after finally convincing the teachers to follow our way and spending a couple of days in there to see how we deal with it finally helped.
Now in secondary because the corridors are bare, narrow and darker due to not been a new bright shiny school we have had two violent outbursts but at the end of the day.
now she is more verbal she has said the school felt like it was making her fall out of the sky and gave her a ‘eurgh’ feeling when she was red.
from the age of three her extreme violence lead to negative comments so I instigated a ‘punishment’ routine! As I’m aware at 18 she will have to make her own independent path and the violence that I could make excuses for and manage will have more serious consequences at that age. We colour coded her feelings because her language is that of a toddler in meltdown mode. So I bought hundreds of red, yellow, green and a few special sparkly ones. They all had faces to try and express what she was feeling. From been 3 in nursery after strangling the teaching assisnt because she swore. The poor woman only said sit down now! She has a home school very pretty academic diary. We are also very open about the behaviour and it’s not acceptable to hurt people and we discuss and set up situations and I talk out loud saying how I might feel and what I could do and she could then try and say how she felt and what triggered it. But to ask directly she had no language. Therefore the daily diary was for teacher to write days events. So I could discuss with her at home. As she couldn’t write I told the teacher to left her choose a sticker that was honest about her behaviour that day. I’m actually still shocked at her willingness to put in red as my teenagers would have begged not to. We found that 1sticker for the whole day was too long and she then choose one for morning and one for afternoon.
ive always told her that I won’t make excuses for her violence to others, but I absolutely do understand why it happens but I will never condone the extreme violence we deal with. Because of that we had a consequences box as she needed to learn to reflect and have empathy towards others but also know I’m not punishing her because I know it’s out of her control. The consequences increase in severity that were all chosen by her. Nothing terrible really for us but to her they were devastating. One was having to put her special things in the school drawer for 15mins, not having a friend in to dsp before break and the ultimate was not gossiping with her friend at lunchtime and completing missed work. She used to cry but never ever asked to change it.
she was also made to apologise to everybody, to tell them why she was sorry in her own way, how she thinks it made them feel and she would always hug them as she would be heartbroken at what she had done. I mean I’ve been kicked down stairs, chairs thrown in my face, knives been pulled, punched, but, hot drinks thrown on me, pushed into oncoming traffic, spat on but I’m now seeing benefits of the nightmare meltdowns. She is able to self regulate more and high schools strict rules and no getting away with things has helped her so much.
Ive found she is worse when she hasn’t understand tone of voice, facial expression, what somebody has said or done and interpreted it in a different way and become confused. As the school wouldn’t listen when I said she could repeat a whole book back to you and sound like she knew but ask her to explain and she would throw the book in your face. A perfect example was a quiet room that was built and done lovely. She talked about how good it would be and helpful, strategies were put in place to use it before the violence erupted. But she became like a rabid dog if you ever tried to get her over the doorway. This went on for weeks and constantly had to leave work. In a casual conversation to ofsted during an inspection as her needs were really high and they wanted to check if she got hurt whilst the teachers restrained she perfectly mimicked her class teachers Scarborough warning from the day before and innoncently said ‘I’m not going to be red today because my teacher said that if children aren’t focused, trying hard, making progress, or asking good questions, answering nicely, hands up and no gossiping, finishing corrections, walking politely and a definite, big fat no to me swearing, throwing things, running off and having a red meltdown because I haven’t used my traffic lights properly and made the school noisy and scared you all
And let ourselves down but not putting our good foot forward: though I don’t have a good foot I have two good feet: if I had one I would fall over: but it would be letting down all the children and people who love our school because you will close it straight down and look it up and we won’t be able to get coats or Home and teachers are very kind, they will be made at us letting them down. Nobody will have a school to go to because you will have chained it all up and I love the school. I know to put up my arm with the watch on I want to answer and the one without if not because all the children have to put there hand smartly! Because if I’m red the two men will carry me and throw me in the cupboard, take the magic unlocking card and leave me in the cupboard forever as the handle doesn’t open correctly and is for giants. I hate them locking me up in the cupboard!
the head and ofsteds faces were a picture. The hurriedly asked where this cupboard was.. it’s a room big enough for 6deskd, a hotdog cushion, sensory toys, bean bags etc, windows on all sides and a handle that face the other way. But wasn’t the little dingy broomcupbaord they expected.
but how she actually viewed it was a shock to us all but explained it, it’s when we really started to notice she repeated what she was told and even got excited and it’s was just mimicking and what she really thought or understood was very different. She was petrified if she became read the school would be wtapped in chains and they would never go to school again.
she also struggled with the teachers trying to be nice, sing singing to try and cajole her out of a mood. It would make Implode and now she says it’s because it felt like on itch you would get under a pot that you can’t get but it would be in her ears scratching and getting in her brain and tickle it so she couldn’t itch it but would make her blow.
perfumes, buttons couldn’t be worn and more than one instruction, and lying about time. Mum they said I had ten minutes and so I stopped at ten minutes but then they said I hadn’t finishrd but they gave the time. In the end she had sand timers and Work was to be finished before the timer.
They were just little ways I saved myself from the extreme violence. I was even asked by social workers in the hospital where I work if I needed to discuss anything, how was it with my partner?? I was single! Because lots of colleagues had noticed the black bruises all over me.
My only useful tip is stock up on arnica, stash luxury chocolate away for yourself, I had a bottle of expensive vodka in my bedroom that lasted a year as I don’t drink, some nice bath bombs, Kleenex pack stashed away as the rough made me look like a reindeer, for those terrible moments when it’s all gone crazy and you are left battered, bruised, upset emotionally, physically and drained, exhausted and scared for Wht could happen next and just need something nice. That’s when I have a square of the expensive chocolate I wouldn’t dream of buying normally, if it’s safe at that point I will run a bath, but in a bath bomb, taking the small pack of Kleenex to hide my face, get a little drink and sink into the bath and 5 mins been selfish and kind to yourself -I cry like a baby- then get out refreshed and ready for round 10! But always be kind to yourself too. I found it helps to carry on.