Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
My son, 5, ASD diagnosed. In a special school, started reception in september 2017, all going well until another boy joined the class. This other boy seemed to focus in on my son and was very rough from the start. I have tried to be understanding and patient with the situation. Arranging play dates to get the boys to learn how to play together. But today the other boy has scratched my son so hard and drawn blood. I’m at a loss what to do next, on one hand I put myself in the other parents shoes and see how hard it is for them to have a child who hurts without reason, but now I’m worried that I’m teaching my son it’s ok to be hurt, and ok to be hurt by a friend!
School aren’t great with it either, social stories is the best they have come up with so far! My husband wants them to stop playing together, but how can that be enforced?!? Plus, my son GENUINELY likes this boy, I’m so confused!
Thanks
I think you have been too understanding and patient with the situation. I agree with your husband on this one. It doesn't seem like the other kids parents or the school are good at enforcing boundaries, someone has to. Your son may like him but he's only 5 and has ASD, he may not understand the other boys behaviour is wrong. I'd tell him that the other boy is behaving badly and try and keep him away from him. Play dates are the last thing he needs.
I have a friend who's son is ASD and was going through pretty much the same thing. As much as his mother told the school that he was being bit and scratched they just pussyfooted around the issue. ASD or not kids can't do this without repercussions. I saw my friends son's arm once and it was black with a bite mark. One day my friends son lost it and rammed the other kids face into a wall. He was the one who got into trouble because the other boy had to have stitches. The school didn't give the other kid any boundaries but because my friends son did what he did they were dragged into the school. So for months of bullying the other kid got treated like a victim, when the situation could have been addressed months before the incident occurred. Totally unfair on both kids in a way. It could have been avoided. All the kid that bit learned was that he could do it and if anyone hit him back they were in the wrong. They reinforced his behaviour. My friends son learned that if you are being picked on you just have to sit there and take it. They punished him for being fed up of being a victim. Like I said unfair on both of them.
Funnily enough though the other kid seemed to be aware of what had happened after he got a smack. He never bit him again.
Greetings. I think that I agree with you, Nada. There is a difference between "drawing blood" and causing PAIN. The latter is not allowed to be "taught" anymore in a safe situation (smacking, fillips, ear-tweaking), and so if "drawing blood", bullying, and even fighting, is only seen as FUN and EXCITING, then, well, what is to be done about that?
... "Oh, yes, it hurt, but only a little, and it was fun 'cause we laughed, and best of all we got all of this attention from adults! Ha Ha Ha!"
(...One day I shall start a proper Thread about this. But not just now. Please, anyone reading, I hope you understand this (seemingly awful) Post and do not hate me too much...? Apologies in advance and all that.)
Couldn't the school be asked to supervise them more closely? To separate them whenever 'play' gets too rough or out of hand and so enforce it that way? I'm with your husband on at least limiting their time together, especially alone, while your son learns to defend himself against this. Even learning to walk away is a good defence against allowing his 'friend' to attack him at will. I would certainly not worry much about things from the other boy's (or parent's) point of view when it's your son who needs protected from this situation.
Armies were formed, because verbal reasoning never worked.