Could my 6 year old be autistic or is she just different at home

Hi, I have suspected there is something not quite right with my 6 year old daughter for around 3 years. Recently she has started to show some of that same behavior to my Mum who has normally said to me 'she's not like that when she's with me' although when I've been with them I have often noticed things that to me seem odd. Since my daughter was very young she has been very fixated almost to the point of obsession on my Mum. She would kick and scream and cry when my Mum would drop her off after a night staying over her house and from when she was around 4 she would tell my Mum that she had a tummy ache and didn't want to come back. She also went as far as telling my Mum I was hitting her (I wasn't) and would do things like randomly slap my Mum across the face to show her what I was apparently doing. She has only recently just casually admitted to her that she made that up and wanted to stay more often because she thought my Mum was lonely without her and because whilst with me she missed her. My daughter does not seem to care in the slightest that this behavior nearly got her taken from social services and made me and my Mum fall out and not speak to each other for over a year. My daughter now stays at my Mums house every weekend (something which I would prefer not to happen as I don't get much time to go out and do things with her), she will get picked up on Friday and go swimming on Saturday and then we will all meet up on Sunday for lunch. This routine has been going on for the past two years now, whenever my daughters other Nan wants to have her my daughter will tell my Mum that she is being forced to go and that she doesn't want to. She will say that she doesnt want her to be her Nan. Yet when asked if she wants to go there she will get excited and always has a nice time there. 

Recently my Mum has started to say to me that my daughter has changed, for example a couple of weeks ago we were going out for a meal for my brothers birthday and before we left my Mum put on some music and started dancing quite clumsily, so for a bit of fun my Mum joined in and showed her some new dance moves. My daughter tried to copy them but couldn't and so started hitting my Mum, whilst crying, screaming and shouting. My Mum sent her to sit on the naughty step and my daughter was rocking on the step whilst covering her ears and shouting 'turn it off' repeatedly even after it had been turned off she continued. Once we got to the restaurant she would not get out of the car for at least 20 minutes delaying everyone else wanting to order inside and when she did come in she refused to sit down and was either stood next to a post banging her head on it repeatedly or sat on a step punching herself in the head. She would not speak to or reason with anyone and refused to join in with the other children there. When she did start to talk to the other children it was to tell them how nasty we had been to her and how we had laughed and made fun of her dancing. She hung her head throughout most of the meal and only started to cheer up around half an hour before we left.

I spoke to a doctor about my daughters behavior last week and was referred to a pediatrician and it seemed to look like the doctor was agreeing with what I was saying. This week I had a phone call from who she had been referred to asking for a written statement from the school about what her behavior is like there. So I made an appointment and saw one of my daughters teachers yesterday. I had also written down a few behaviors that I get from her at home. The teacher looked through it and just completely dismissed it all, saying 'we haven't seen any of that here' and 'most of these things are normal and my daughter does half of these at home'. Which made me really upset. The things I had written down were that she is obsessed with time, that she has countdowns for everything going on in her life. She will count down every day until she sees her Nans (whoever shes staying with at the weekend) she will count down every day of the whole year until her birthday and other peoples birthdays and she will also do count downs for completely random things. She will also talk about the things she is counting down to for hours every day and in detail so she will talk about exactly what she is going to do at the weekend such as she will be picked up by whoever is picking her up and they will go out for tea and then they will go out swimming on Saturday and talk about past weekends how shes done the same thing. If we or they do do something different it will be my daughter who dictates what happens and if it doesnt happen her way she will get very angry and upset, my daughter will not care if no one else wants to do what she wants. I was told by the teacher that was normal. I wrote down how she copies other children and adults because she thinks it will help her to fit in, and gave the example that she will never order what she wants in a restaurant and will only order either what her Nan is having or what other children are having even if she does not like it and if they change their order without her knowing she will get extremely upset and want to change hers to, if she cant she simply will not eat. How she does not have any friends and when she does find one how she finds it difficult to keep them, my daughter only likes to do what she wants to do, play what she wants to play and talk about what she wants to talk about, if those 3 things dont happen she will get extremely upset and think whoever shes playing with doesnt like her anymore. And I wrote a few other things which I cant remember now. But the teacher just told me there was nothing wrong with her and that I shouldnt be labelling my child. I have a completely different experience of my daughter and school, my daughter will tell me how everyone is nasty to her there and she has been breaking down in tears for nearly a year when Ive picked her up saying how no one likes her and no one talks to her or wants to play. She has told me she wants to change schools and will say she has a belly ache in the morning. Once she even told me in graphic detail how a teacher had been hitting her and then said she just said that because she didnt want to go there anymore. My daughter when happy will talk about her 'best friend' at school, these can be different children and she will talk about these children and what they do at school for months before moving onto a different child to talk about. Yet when Im dropping her off or picking her up these same children will completely ignore her and sometimes tell her to leave them alone. My daughter will say hello to every single child she sees on the way to school in the morning every day and every day those children will completely blank her. Yet when Ive brought up to the school about how she is getting on with other children in the past they say they havent noticed a thing and wouldnt of known that she is feeling like that. 

After yesterdays conversation with the teacher I am feeling like maybe its all in my head and that theres nothing different about her or that its my fault she behaves the way she does :-(

  • My daughter also has always needed extra help at school in nearly every subject, and its quite clear how behind she is from the other children in her class. For example her writing is very different to others in her class and is very messy and usually letters and numbers are back to front. She has extra help reading at school and is very behind with that and maths. Her homework causes her a lot of stress aswell and she will get very upset when she cant do it or if she makes a small mistake 

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