Does anyone else feel like some NTs have a weird fascination with autism?

I am absolutely not saying that all NTs are weirdly interested, but I had an experience lately that really got on my nerves and is still bothering me.

A couple of weeks ago my grandparents had a friend to stay, and this friend used to work in schools before she retired, with autistic students and other students with special educational needs, but she was particularly keen on working with autistic students. Whilst she was at their house, my grandparents phoned me to ask if I would go over and chat to her. I'd heard them talk about her before and how "interested" she was in my being Asperger's and as I'm actually quite sensitive about the subject I wasn't sure I wanted to, but as my grandparents are amazing and I always want to please them, I said yes, sure, and went over.

So I get there and I meet the friend, and the first question she has isn't, "How are you?" She immediately asks me, "What goes on in your head?" That is the first question she asks, in that many words. I have only meet this woman sporadically throughout my life, on three occasions at most, in twenty years. I remember being taken aback at the time, but now I just feel boiling mad. Like, you wouldn't ask a neurotypical twenty-year-old girl that question, so why ask me just because I'm Aspie and you're "interested"?! Remembering the syrupy voice she used just makes me even more cross. It was as if she was talking to a five-year-old. To be honest I can't exactly remember what I said in reply, but I think I said something along the lines of, "Well, emotionally I struggle, and I get quite anxious, but apart from that nothing particularly interesting goes on in my head really. Not things that other people would find interesting anyway."

Then we got onto the subject of me being a writer, and my poetry and things, and she asked, "So could you make up a poem now for me? From your head?" And I was like, "Well, I'd have to go and sit down and write it. It wouldn't be an immediate thing." And she looked stricken and was like, "But people with conditions like yours, they can do that sort of thing, can't they? Just make things up from their heads? You must be able to." 

Me: "No, really, I can't. Unfortunately. It takes time and effort. I'm not so good at being put on the spot." *Fake laughter*

She then started telling me stories about the autistic children she worked with, including one about a boy who used to imagine that he was projecting films onto the backs of his eyes from his brain and showed her by drawing a diagram (which does sound rather cool, I have to admit). Then like some excited Labrador, "Can you do that? Can you do that?" And she kept going, "Of course, I asked if I could work with children like you because I was interested. I just find you all so INTERESTING!" She proceeded to grill me, asking me about my plans to go to uni, and as I was unable to talk in detail about my mental health (aside from my Asperger's) and how it looks like it won't be possible for me to go this year, she was like, "But you must go! Because otherwise, people like you get stuck with their parents all their lives. It's so sad." Then my grandma joined in like, "I try and tell her mother not to be so over protective, she should go to university, she is easily clever enough" etc etc etc. It felt like I was being descended upon by vultures or something.

At this point I was virtually crying, as in, tears in my eyes, trying not to let them spill over. And I might suffer from emotional dysregulation, but I have gone whole therapy sessions without shedding a tear. So I was upset.

This attack ended with the friend saying, "You mustn't be so sharp with her. People like her are very sensitive, aren't you, dear? It's what comes of having such wonderful minds!"

All this happened a couple of weeks ago, but thinking about it still makes me sick to my stomach. It seemed ridiculous and kind of worrying to me that his woman was so fascinated in a medical condition. I hated the way she spoke to me, and I don't care if she was a kind old lady; it just made me angry and extremely uncomfortable. I felt like an exhibit in a zoo. To be honest, this isn't the first time that I have experienced this sort of thing: people being openly fascinated by autism, and asking me what my "power" is (er, I'm Aspie, not Supergirl!) or how quickly I can solve a maths problem (I barely scraped my necessary C at GCSE Maths, and that was with a lot of hard work and extra tuition, and on my third go at the exam!). I have to say that as a sufferer I really can't see why autism is so fascinating, and it frustrates me because again, it's the stereotypes they get excited about! Has anybody else experienced this weird fascination with autism?

  • Believe me, though, that I do understand where you're coming from.  My views have changed a bit as I've gotten older.  But yes, if I'm honest, there are times when I think 'What if I hadn't been born this way at all.  My life might have been so different.  It might have been easier.' 

    Why don't you think you deserve attentiveness, love and warmth?  Of course you do.  You will find these things, I have every faith.

    Take good care.

    Tom

  • I want to be corrected. I don't want to be this. If someone could correct me I would take it.

    I actually want attentiveness. I want warmth. I want love. I just don't deserve it.

    Clearly we have very different views on this stuff.

  • My only other thought on the matter is...

    When I believed that my problems were solely mental health problems (BPD, as I said, because I had most of the symptoms), my treatment was all geared towards 'correcting' me.

    Now, though, I know I don't have to be corrected.  I have to be accepted.  I'm not a square peg that has to have my corners shaved off so that I can fit into that round hole.  I'm a square peg.  Those who fit into the round hole have to accept me as such.  I'm not going to be reshaped to suit them.  Instead, they're going to have to take me as I am.

    Or they can do the other thing.

    They're not going to screw me up any more by demanding that I be anything other than what I truly am.

    Best,

    Tom

  • If that's how you feel, then that's fair enough.

    Personally, I'd rather be an uncorrectable cat than a failed dog.  I've had a lot of years of trying to live with dogs, and simply not liking enough about them to ever really want to join their pack.  What I like about cats is their independence.  If they want fuss, they'll come to you.  If not, they won't.  I have a cat and she has all the traits that I've come to associate with myself.  I leave her to her own devices.  She's not too keen on being stroked, but will come around for a stroke when she's in the mood.  She's not always fussing at me to go for a walk, chuck a stick, tug on a slipper.  She'll tell me when she thinks I'm being too attentive. 

    It's taken me a long time - almost 60 years - to accept who I am.  When I was in my 20s, I so desperately wanted to be like everyone else that I'd do all the things I didn't really want to do - go to parties, go to nightclubs, go out of my way to make friends - just so that I could feel 'included'.  But I was never, at heart, comfortable with it.  It was in my 30s that I first began to think 'Hey... there's nothing wrong with me.  I'm just different to them.'  Then I began to accept.  And then I began to feel more comfortable with myself.

    We all have our journeys to make.  I hope yours turns out to be as interesting as mine's been.  It hasn't always been easy - but the best journeys never are.

    Take care,

    Tom

  • I would rather be borderline than autistic.

    Controversial, but true.

    I would rather be a struggling dog than a cat, because at least then I would still be a dog, and I could mend myself and eventually be what people want. That's all I want...to be held, to be loved, to be good enough.

    I will be having DBT for my borderline symptoms; I start next week. There are a lot of good skills in there, such as emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness, which I think will benefit me, whatever you're calling my problems.

    I also have bipolar disorder, which has led to psychosis on multiple occasions. I'm medicated now - I have been for two years - and the medication has improved that state. But could that just be autism too? Do I need to be on medication?

    Interesting thought. Maybe I'll stop...

  • Hi my friend,

    Please don't feel sad.  I'm used to it and can manage it.  I turn the tables on these people by not thinking of myself as an oddment, but thinking of myself as unique.  Special.  I look at NTs mostly and think 'I'm so glad I'm not like that.  I'm an original thinker.  I'm not a clone.'

    I had therapy for a couple of years following a decade of depression and anxiety disorder.  My therapist originally thought I had BPD because I ticked most of the boxes, symptomwise.  Like you, I'm a writer.  At that time, I wrote a novel about what it's like to live with BPD.  Since then, I got my ASC diagnosis.  I now look at that novel and realise that it's all about living with autism!  My mental health issues were rooted in my autism.  The not fitting-in.  The anxiety in certain situations.  The social communication problems.  The fear of disruption to routine.  The need to control my environment.  I honestly believe that there are many undiagnosed autistic people out there suffering from horrendous mental health problems which are improperly understood and incorrectly diagnosed.  I was lucky that my therapist, eventually, recognised what she thought was autistic behaviour patterns after all, and suggested a referral for diagnosis.

    You're born with ASC.  It doesn't develop.  What develops are the symptoms, which are borne of your trying to hard too behave like others when you're not programmed like they are.  I'm fond of using the analogy that I'm like a cat in a room full of dogs.  I try to be like them so that I can be accepted by them.  But I fail - because I'm a cat.  They, though, can't accept that I'm a cat.  Instead, they see me as a failed dog!  Well... I won't be a failed dog any longer.  I'll be a cat.  If they don't like it.... tough!

    Keep writing and sharing.  It's great therapy.  You'll learn about yourself, as well as saying things that many people might want to hear.  You'll be speaking for them.  You have the voice that they don't have.  That's a great gift.

    Tom

  • MT

    I'm also out of the closet. Mutant and proud. *nodsnods*

  • Hi Ferret,

    Thanks for your reply.  I've been writing since I was about 10, and I tend to write from the heart.

    A few years ago, I decided to stop worrying about what people thought of me, and just be myself - and be happy with being myself.  Until then, I was always hung up.  Why didn't people like me?  Why did people think I was strange?  Why, wherever I went - school, work, parties - did I end up in a corner alone, bullied, made to feel inferior?  It bothered me, of course it did. I wanted to feel 'included'.  But once I'd made up my mind to stop trying to live up to other people's expectations of me, I began to feel more comfortable in my own skin.  My diagnosis, just 18 months ago, helped me no end.   Now I knew why.  I wear my autism with pride.  I wear the t-shirt.  Mostly, people ignore it.   But sometimes - just sometimes - someone says 'I like your t-shirt'.  And that usually leads to a fruitful and fulfilling conversation... with someone who suspects they have it themselves, or who has a child with 'issues'.

    I'm out of the closet and proud now.  I don't feel inferior any more about not being like most other people.  I still have my struggles.  But I'm much more self-assured.

    :)

    Tom

  • Hi Martian Tom - thanks for your reply. I felt sad reading your post. I'm sorry that your family seem to lack understanding of what you've been through. I'm not one to have a go at other people's families, but they do certainly sound intolerant, and quite judgmental, of both you and your niece's husband. Please do keep posting here - people will recognise what you're going through and you can write as much or as little as you want, without being interrupted. With regards to your brother ignoring your diagnosis...that must have been so tough for you. I guess that sometimes, with autism and with mental health (which is something else I have a lot of experiences with) people just do not know what to say. To them, things that at least largely go on in the mind are a really daunting, awkward, confusing subject to address, so it's easier just to "sweep it under the carpet" as it were, and pretend it isn't happening. They can't really show compassion when their thinking is like this, because that would validate that it was happening. With issues such as a heart problem...it's a physical problem, and so people see it as more of a concrete thing, and then find it easier to be kind and caring and sympathetic. It's so unfair, but such is life. I really am sorry that you have to go through this, though. I'm close to saying that you don't need people like that in your life, but I know that's so much easier said than done when it's family, and you love them regardless.

    I absolutely hate the savant thing. It's one of the main things I find irritating about stories - STORIES, do you hear that, people out there who know nothing about autism?! Lol - such as "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time" etc. In can't watch films or read books or watch TV programmes about autism anymore, because I end up in a terrible mood, white hot anger going through me, floods of tears wondering what the point is. It really triggers me; these stereotypes. It just isn't true for most people who are on the spectrum. To be honest, I am hypersensitive and prone to rages, but that's probably not just due to being Aspie - my aunt has borderline personality disorder and like I said, I've had lots of mental health struggles over the years and they think that, as well as the Asperger's, I've got BPD too. (A lot of people say it's probably not actually genetic - I think it's supposed to form as a result of life experiences, particularly early life experiences - but it seems like too big a coincidence that my emotional s**t storm and a lot of my behaviour is practically identical to hers. And no, she definitely hasn't got Asperger's.)

  • Martian Tom

    *sigh....* Do excuse my admiration.... your voice just leaps off the page... 

    and you used the word escutcheon - *sigh....*

    Again, do excuse me, my brain is in delight of you...


    Fascinating that NTs still don't have a reason for what they call Silicon Valley Syndrome. This chap you mention sounds totally typical. And yes, the outright dismissal by people, including those we often think should be understanding or accepting, is not uncommon - sometimes even a daily occurence...

    Their loss...

  • Poor mite, bless you. I'm probably making matters worse by replying again but if we cannot help each other then...

    I will say this:

    1. I've only just become self-aware. I'm 45. No-one helped me when I was younger (it was spotted I have autism at birth but guess what... nothing happened. And that's not because people hated me, it's because people just are not equipped to understand, or like that woman who thought only of herself, get it really really really wrong. 

    2. You say you're not self-aware, that's okay, nothing wrong with that. Aspergers is label, it is name given by other people to a difference that exists and is noted as existing. It is not your name. It is NOT personality. It is not YOU. You are you. Aspergers is a label. If everyone in the world was the same as you (and me) there wouldn't be any problem per se. 

    3. You are in distress, that's obvious when you say you are a mess. What that woman did the other day, I think, is put the tin lid on it for you. You are absolutely at the end of your tether dealing with the EFFECT OF THE WORLD on you, and the lack of understanding by the world around you, of you. You need help. You need support. And you need to know you are not alone. You need help, perhaps from your GP, also MIND the mental health charity have a specialist arm that deal with autism and support. Ask your mum to help you search out and find what's best for you.

    I'm telling you now you are not alone. It may feel as you read this, the pain. If you do, you need to tell your mother that you need help, more help, more help understanding that Aspergers, and all it comes with, is NOT A PROBLEM. And that you, as a personality, as a valid person, has a right to be treated with absolute respect at all times. And you need to speak to people who can support you through this difficult point.

    I am still furious on your behalf regarding what that woman did. It was abusive. It was positive prejudice. And it is not acceptable. 

    People don't help not because they hate you, but because, like Martian Tom outlines (fantastic guy) they are just IGNORANT. It's their failing, their failure, and you shouldn't have to carry it or put up with it. 

    Apsie is not you. You are you. The more you understand Aspergers, the less frightening it will seem and you will begin to realise that actually, it's quite empowering. I wish I had the ability to pass over to you what I feel, in terms of strength, and self-worth, and self-esteem. But I can't, I'm not telepathic. But what I can do, and what I do every day, is speak up for people like me. 

    Today, I told someone who knows me, I am autisic. And they walked away from me. And you know what? GOOD. Because I don't need people like that in my life. If it's too much for them to handle, so be it. I know they don't hate me. I don't hate them. I'm disappointed, because I know that I am a good person in that, I am me. And I am so much more than just autistic. 

    There is a place for you here. You are not alone. And I will keep helping you, and others. I will not give in and I will not give up. And neither will others. There are loads of us around. You're not alone. 

  • Hi there,

    I agree with what Ferret says about this person.

    People get these preconceived notions about autism.  They've seen children having a meltdown in public, or they've watched films like 'Rainman' and the recent (excellent, by the way) 'The Accountant' and believe they've got a handle on the whole thing.  So, we're either hypersensitive and prone to rages, or we're savants, or some strange mixture of the two. My experience with NTs when I tell them I have autism is that they either patronise me - which basically seems to be the experience you've had - or they rebuff me.

    In some ways, I wish people would be a little more curious.  I wish they'd ask me questions about how I perceive things, how I feel about things, etc.  I wish they'd take that trouble - instead of simply projecting their own ideas onto me and feeling cheated or suspicious when I don't match them.  Instead of being like my brother and his wife.  They're intolerant.  If something doesn't chime with their view of the world and human behaviour, it's not different - it's wrong.  My sister-in-law recently had a heart scare, and that was the main topic of family conversation.  What were the likely consequences for her?  Would she need surgery?  Would she need to give up work?  What kind of medication would she need to take?  And so on.  When I got my diagnosis, I sent it to my brother.  Nothing.  It's never mentioned.  It's like the blot on the escutcheon.  Pretend it doesnt' exist.  No effort to find out more, to see how it might explain some of my behaviours, to discuss things.  I've told them that I prefer to correspond by text and email, because they give me more chance to marshall my thoughts and say what I need to say without interruption.  They don't like this, though.  They go on about how they don't check their emails very often, don't like computers, don't 'do' texting. 'Pick up the phone like everyone else' is their answer.

    I actually know what they think about me anyway - by proxy, you might say.  My niece has been for many years happily married to a man that my brother and his wife cannot stand.  I've always - surprise, surprise - gotten on well with him.  I've long suspected that he was on the spectrum, too.  Well... the other day, he came to visit, and we chatted for a long time about my diagnosis.  He said he'd taken the assessment - and had scored 32: borderline, but highly indicative.  It didn't surprise me in the least.  We talked further about his own behaviours.  Like me, he hates social situations.  He finds eye contact difficult.  He has narrow and intense interests (he's a computer engineer and coder).  He likes nothing better than to spend hours locked away with a computer.  If people pay visits unannounced, he gets agitated and shuts off.  At Christmas, my brother and his wife popped over for a drink, and the subject of my niece's husband came up.  Straight away, the contempt and vitriol spilled out of them.  I then took it upon myself to say that I recognised certain traits in him and wondered if he was, in fact, autistic.

    "He's not autistic," snapped my sister-in-law.  "He's simply bloody rude and ignorant!"

    Just like me, clearly...

  • Thank you for your kind words, but you don't know me. I am not logical. I am not self-aware; I was diagnosed Asperger's, that's why I call myself Aspie; not because I've thought it out and that's what I think I am. I don't know the difference between one type of autism and another, really. I am a mess. This pain is unreal. 

    I will never be able to accept something that hurts me this much. What makes it worse is that I wasn't diagnosed until I was virtually 16 and I'd had obvious symptoms since the age of 18 months but everyone clearly hated me so much that they didn't want to help me.

  • "They have utterly false ideas about autism which they constantly seek to validate at our expense." <--well said, well said.


    If all the feedback anyone gets, or has received at any time, is negative or has been negative, then is it any wonder that that person would not want to be who they are. Fact.

  • I WouldRatherBeWriting I don't know you at all but from what you've written here you are brave, resilient and eminently worthy of respect.

    I feel really sorry that you had that horrible experience with the woman who was so morbidly interested in autism. Such people see us as puzzles to solve and not as people. They have utterly false ideas about autism which they constantly seek to validate at our expense.

    Anyone who doesn't make you feel good about yourself should not be breathing the same air as you. I wish you every happiness and success in life, it may be a long road but you'll make it.

    Ferret, I love your comments and your insights.

  • Right. Well, that's fine. No need to apologise to me. It's my choice to be here. 

    And yes, I get the analogy. I call it my 'twin'. I have a suspicion that a lot of aspie/auties have this 'twin' thing, or as you call it, the changling. It's like we should be someone else... 

    I totally respect your position and all that you say. It can be overwhelming, the reality of it, at the sharp end, that one cannot get rid of it.

    Don't think for one moment, that I'm sat here finding it easy. I struggle, big time. I wish I could throw it away. But the more I understand it, the less of a struggle it is to carry. 

    And for what it's worth, from where I'm sitting, everything you have said, everything you have written, your thinking, how you present your ideas, how you feel, everything, I regard as absolutely completely and utterly NORMAL - if that irony doesn't strike you, then...

    You have an amazing mind. And it's been a pleasure and a privilege speaking with you.

  • I don't want this. I'm sorry. I don't want to be this person. It's my changeling in the cot (and that was in an anologous sense too). I hate it. It repulses me. I cannot bear it. What you say is very articulate, and you've spent so much time on me today, but I am a lost cause. If only it were easy for me to embrace what I am...but it's not. I don't think I ever will. As I've said, I just don't want this.

  • I totally understand you don't want to be a computer. I was using the term in an analogous sense. But being Aspie, you are literal. Your interpretation is literal. And logical.

    And yes, you are making sense. Totally. 

    If you can say what you're not from what I outlined, that's good, that positive. I accept that exploring the whole spectrum, as I did in my outline, means that you fall into some, not all, that's good too. At least you can identify where you are aspie, and where you are not HFA. That's good too. Because understanding oneself is the most important thing, even if one cannot change who one is.

    Denial gets you no-where however. Sooner or later internalising the world and turning in upon oneself does no good.

    Reading what you write, you do, and do seem very logical. Perhaps it's more of a case you just don't think you are - and no, again, I'm not saying you're not a computer. Computers don't have intelligence, they only have data. 

    "I don't even see people as hostile. Not really. But I do see myself as hostile. Angry. Horrible, ugly, evil, wrong. Wrong wrong wrong." <--- you're not wrong, you're not invalid, you're not faulty, everyone is different. everyone. everyone in the whole world is utterly unique. 

    To be afraid to fail, is to be afraid to try. For want of a quiet life, one would have no life at all. 

    Everything in life is risk. Risk of failure. Risk of being singled out. Risk of rejection. Risk of ridicule. Risk of being disliked. Risk of being alone. Risk of not fitting in anywhere.... the list goes on.

    But life is also about the journey. The past is the past, and it can't hurt you any more. The trick is to learn from it, rather than resent it. Instead, use it. Go for it. Don't be afraid. Leap and the net will appear. Trust yourself, learn to trust yourself.

    You want to be a writer? First rule of writing: write about what you know. And what could you possibly write about if nothing ever happened to you?

    It's logical to question everything and try and find the right answer for yourself. And that is all you are doing. Which is being Aspie. You have Aspergers, but that's not all of who you are. Aspie is like being a leopard, your spots and stripes are Aspie.

    I hate to break it to you, but you make perfect sense. Seriously, start to have fun with it and see what it - as in your gifts - can do for you. Bit like X-Men, you need to be mutant and proud! XD


  • Thank you so much for taking the time to be so thorough in your reply. I'm sure this is true for lots of people. However, I am not in the least bit logical. I really am not. In fact I suffer from a total logic bypass. I'm not a problem solver; I never know what to do. I'm so weak; somebody always has to find a solution for me. I've also never had issues from a sensory point of view. I have no problem with noise or bright lights etc. When I was a little girl I had to wear T-shirts under my fairy princess dresses because they were scratchy to me, but it isn't an issue anymore. I don't really become overwhelmed by these things. I don't see the world as hostile. I don't even see people as hostile. Not really. But I do see myself as hostile. Angry. Horrible, ugly, evil, wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Because I don't want to be different. I want to be like other people. I want to be the person they want. I want friends my own age. I want a romantic relationship. I want to go to uni. I want all the stuff I've been through to never have happened. Because it's hurt me to the point where my emotions are totally broken and I have such dark thoughts, and I hurt myself on purpose (not that I'm going to go into that any further because I don't want to upset anyone). I think you're right that I'm programmed to think it's my fault, but whether that's Aspergic or not I don't know. I don't fit in on either side: I've tried to go to autism social groups but I don't fit in there either. I don't fit in anywhere, and it makes me panic. I'm terrified of being alone forever.

    And I don't want to be a computer.

    Do I make sense? x

  • Okay. Here we go... the following is open opinion, please take it as such. I'm no psychiatrist disclaimer as per usual.

    As aspie/auties we take anything negative that we experience as personal. It's in our nature. It's what makes us who we are. If we were leopards, we would have spots and beautiful patterns that others would be able to identify us as aspie/auties. But we don't.

    As aspie/auties, we experience everything at a very sensory/personal level, because that's how the world feels to us. It can be overwhelmingly hostile.  

    Negative things that happen to us, and that range from the environmental, to things which are said to us, affect us deeply and are deeply affecting experiences. And that starts from the day we are born.

    Experiences affect us deeply because we are aspie/autie, we are black and white thinkers, right/wrong, on/off, yes/no, literal thinkers.

    We are also problem solvers, and we find solutions to best adapt, to solve and provide a solution to negative things.

    We do the logical thing, but we are acting upon/reacting to illogical information. Everything around us is doing something different to us, it's not the same as us.

     And you know what, people can be really, really, really mean to anything that is different and that they don't understand. We on the other hand, try and try to do the right thing, find solutions etc etc.

     So for yourself, think for a moment, about how negative things affect us.

     Negative things = we've done something wrong, or something is wrong

    We've done something wrong = we need to do the right thing to get the right responses (respect from other people)

    Doing the right thing = "I have to let people (have/do???) what they want and do what people ask of me" so in aspie/autie terms this means putting ourselves in situations that we aren't suited for...  and--> "It's the only way i'll ever get anyone to want me" = people liking us, therefore no rejection, no negativity, no wrong answers and solving the negative problem of people not liking us is based on what we have seen/observed others do as receiving positive reinforcement

    Positive reinforcement that we've seen = respect

     So we try to emulate what we have seen. It is a code. We mask, we mirror. We try and learn the code. And we keep failing. 

    When we keep failing our self-esteem and self-worth becomes eroded

    And when people pick on us, it makes us feel awful, and very alone in a negative way.

     As for our bodies, as we take everything personally, it is absolutely logical, in our thinking, that aspie/auties look at themselves when they receive negative comments and think: this needs correcting. As such it is inevitable to develop things like body dysmorphia, suffer from eating disorders, etc. Our ability to mask/mirror means we look in the literal mirror and think: that's wrong, put that right, fit it in to what needs to be right. So yet again we impose upon ourselves a regime of trying to get it right, and failing. 

    We try to correct the error to stop the negative comments, or negative reactions around us, or fit in with what 'get's respect'.

    We try to make ourselves into something we can never be.

    We try to cover our spots and stripes and not be leopards, but something else, something that doesn't get hunted down, picked on, singled out etc etc.

     "Me is horrible"<---this is absolute pure logic. it's like a computer putting out an answer

    Me is horrible = everything bad, negative, wrong

     But it's not the correct reason why.

     The correct reason why is: because it wasn't your fault that everyone around you didn't understand. because it's not your fault that people are awful and say awful things, or do awful things, or that in school people ripped the **** out of you - I've been there, I've been there... alone, I know what it feels like - it's not your fault that people don't understand what you say, when you say things, how you are, who you are, what you do, why you do what you do. their lack of understanding is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility.  

     You are not faulty. You are a leopard with spots and stripes and in your own environment you are perfectly adapted to be leopardy.

     I totally understand when you say you don't want to be aspie. Who the hell would? Seriously! If they knew the half of it. If they understood the anguish. Who would want to choose a life of difficulty and negativity, and emotional pain, and physical pain. No-one would. Everyone wants to fit in and be normal. And that imposes upon aspies/auties the requirement to fit in and do things that we are just not adapted to. We can't. We just can't. But we are forced to negotiate the world around us that isn't designed or fits with the way we think and do things.

     But we are able to do other things. We have qualities that others do not have. We are like computers with excellent hard drives. And we have the ability to see the world in ways that others cannot. We are the artisans of the world, the artists and the creatives.

     It's not what is on the outside that matters. The outside is the lie, the inside is the truth.