Catspergers - a parody

With the neurotypical/neurodiverse difference, I use the analogy that the person with Asperger's/high-functioning ASC is like a cat in a room full of dogs.  The cat tries its hardest to behave like a dog in order to 'fit in' - running after sticks occasionally, or demanding attention - but it doesn't make a very good job of it because it's a cat.   Meanwhile, all the dogs are looking at this cat and instead of seeing a cat, they're seeing a dysfunctional dog!

Hello my name is Kittywinks.

I am a cat. All my neighbours are dogs. When I get on the bus or tube it is full of dogs. When I go to the shops it is full of dogs. When I was working the company was full of dogs run by dogs. Everywhere the dogs bark at me, the dogs chase me, the dogs bite me.

I went to my GP a dog and was referred to a psychologist for an assessment. The dog psychologist diagnosed me as having Catspergers Syndrome a disorder on the Catism Spectrum.

I was told I was an impaired, disabled, dysfunctional dog. I was told that it is a genetic developmental disorder and that scientists are working on finding drugs to cure the disorder and turn cats into dogs. Scientists want to intervene at the genetic level and ensure that all faulty genes responsible for the development of a cat are rectified so that only dogs will develop.

Whenever I go for a job interview I am interviewed by a dog. I  asked for accommodations and so the dog interviewers put on a cat suit and tell me they never discriminate against cats but I never ever get the job. When I ask them why they tell me that the job role requires the ability to bark and hunt in packs which I cannot do. 

I had a job once as a rat catcher but I was made redundant because I was replaced by rat poison which made my role obsolete.  When I was working they made accommodations to support me by giving me a scratching post and catnip with a saucer of milk instead of tea and biscuits.

I now go to a day centre for abandoned cats but all the staff are dogs. They give me bones for lunch and bark at me to chew.

When I ask for support for Catspergers I am referred to web sites and books which all advise me on how to look like a dog and act like a dog. I go to therapy and they advise me to look and think and act like a dog if I want to get a job and get along with dogs.

Speech and language therapists try to teach me how to bark. Occupational therapists try to teach me how to run and fetch a stick. Social inclusion workers arrange group outings with dogs to encourage integration and we go to dog shows. But all day long everywhere the dogs never stop barking at me, chasing  me, and biting me.