Relationship issues

Hi

I have been in a relationship for almost ten years with my partner.  Apparently for the first year I lied and pretended to be into a loving relationship and when we started living together that all went out of the window on my part. 

We have argued loads over the years about my lack of interest with intimacy.  I started to speak to a counsellor who quickly suggested ASD.   Now it all makes sense and when I said to my partner I didn’t understand what was wanted of  me I wasn’t being a prat, I really didn’t understand. 

I don’t feel the need for intimacy like my partner does.  She feels unloved unwanted the list goes on. 

I know what I need to do to make it right and after we have these discussions or I sit and listen, I do make an effort but then it is not on my radar any more and I revert and the whole cycle starts again.  I do love her equally.  It’s just I don’t need intimacy to make a connection but I have to understand that she does. 

I’ve been trawling through the forums to see if anyone had posted anything similar but could not find anything.  

I’m guess I’m looking for people in similar situations to me! 

  • This isn't something that affects me, but was a common theme in the two relationship books I've read. The Other Half of Aserger Syndrome, and neurodiverse Relationships. I wasn't a fan of either book, they pathologise the AS person too much, and I felt didn't see it where both parties were equally different and so equally having to adapt. But there might be stuffin there for either you or your partner. Or look at the other couples books.

    Reminders was a big thing in the books too!

  • I suppose verbally asking for it makes it feel as though I'm taking a hug instead of being given one. 

  • She has been telling me to put reminders in my phone and I’ve not done this but didn’t understand why I could do what was needed then I reverted. Now I’ve decided reminders are the way forward for everything.  

  • Hi. To be honest I’ve told her just to ask.  If she asks I know what she wants.  For me it is as simple as that.   

  • get a reminder mechanism of any sort -- a paper diary with reminders put in it, a calendar with reminders on it ....... all the to using medern tech and apps which are everywhere

    i know of one couple who used posti-its with messages left around the house eg stuck to doors etc

    Heart

  • I think, like so many things, education is a positive way to try to understand someone else's behaviours.

  • Hi, I can relate to that. My partner is the same and doesn't feel the need for intimacy the way I do. It is quite hard and can feel as though I'm not wanted or desired. Ultimately I try to remember that it isn't me and that he just doesn't need physical touch like I do. I don't know how to communicate to him about it though or if there's some way we could agree a compromise.. Maybe every so often when I really need to be hugged I could signal this to him. From your perspective what would you want your partner to do/ask?

  • I guess there must be many people in your situation who love their partners very much but are not able to show the intimacy expected of them. Perhaps you could take your partner along with you when seeing the counsellor so she can obtain a better understanding about why you find it difficult to show intimacy, despite loving her very much. You are what you are and presumably she saw qualities in you that made her fall in love with you in the first place.