.

I've had 2nd, 3rd, 4th............far too many thoughts on posting this and changed my mind about it.

  • Thank you Deepthought, much appreciated.


  • I think what you said is brill and right on cue,Iv watched people for hrs and i just dont get it ,

    I did not get it at first either ~ and most people just do it automatically but don't understand it enough to explain it themselves; much in the same same way that most people do things physically ~ whilst understanding very little about how their bodies actually work.


    I guess i am so use to my own isolation doing my own thing at my age saying that for many years i use to practice talking to people at the buss stops or other places to practice small talk and i am know starting to have a sort of odd relationship with the other aliens on this planet in very tiny chunks  

    I have largely been unable to do the small-talk thing myself, and just ended up socializing more with people who did big-talks from time to time or else more regularly. 


  • As long as you don’t end up in a pickle like Rocky Racoon, you will be okay.

    You should be able to post what you like on here - I do. If you need help just ask.

    Rocky Racoon: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDcDCZGcZj8

  • No mystery, I posted then regretted it but couldn't delete it all, if I could have it'd all be gone.

    First name was a NAS number so I chose a less confusing name.

  • I don’t understand this thread.

    Is the same poster using two different names?

    Why all the mystery? It’s discombobulating.

  • Yes I worry about that too, and all the things I've posted in the past. But as no one  I've told seems to believe that I have ASD, the chances of anyone I know reading anything on this forum, I hope, is negligible. Although I do post a lot less than I used to, mostly for this reason. 

  • Hi Nope, thanks yes you're right. But I worry that someone could recognise me and all my thoughts are out there to be seen - quite a cringy thought! Also my thoughts chop and change whilst I'm working out how to deal with it.

  • Hi @Raccoon, as soon as any written words are sent on the internet, (forums, emails etc etc) they are no longer in your control. They can be quoted, misquoted, changed however or by whomever they want. But you are anonymous, no one knows who you are, and your words may help others in the future who were feeling similar to you (and this comes from me, a serial "post-and-deleterer") 

  • Deepthought, please could you remove my "Quoted" text. Thank you.

  • I think what you said is brill and right on cue,Iv watched people for hrs and i just dont get it , I guess i am so use to my own isolation doing my own thing at my age saying that for many years i use to practice talking to people at the buss stops or other places to practice small talk and i am know starting to have a sort of odd relationship with the other aliens on this planet in very tiny chunks      

  • its not so much your not good enough its more like your too good for other people ,they drive me nuts., i scrutinize ever think in order to get it right and no matte what i get it wrong thats me for many decades


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    if you believe that you are rubbish with words (when there is no example of which here being the case) it seems that you are being too much your own critic and as such your own worst enemy ~ as your self-esteem and confidence like so many on the spectrum, and many not on the spectrum, needs instead of sabotage much more along the way of development involving positive facilitation and affirmation.


    .

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    I would not go as far as stating that conversing with others is impossible, but it can most certainly be extremely difficult when one does not have the confidence or familiarity with the rhythms and motions of conversation, or is unaware of the particular types of it and their ritualistic steps and stages.

    One of the most poignant examples of learning about the 'stepped and staged' rituals of human interaction and verbal-behavioral transactions for me; was when I started studying psychology and sociology at the end of my teenage years ~ and I read the book GAMES PEOPLE PLAY ~ THE PSYCHOLOGY OF HUMAN RELATIONSIPS, [by] ERIC BERNE, M.D., most particularly this bit to begin with as being a major revelation from the 3rd chapter on Procedures and Rituals:


    Of more significance as an introduction to game analysis are informal rituals, and among the most instructive are the American greeting rituals.

    .

    1A; "Hi!" (Hello, good morning.)

    1B: "Hi!" (Hello, good morning.)

    2A: "Warm enough for ya?" (How are you?)

    2B: "Sure is. Looks like rain, though." (Fine. How are you?)

    3A: "Well, take cara yourself." (Okay.)

    3B: "I'll be seeing you."

    4A: "So long."

    4B: "So long."

    .

    It is apparent that this exchange is not intended to convey information. Indeed, if there is any information, it is wisely withheld. It might take Mr. A fifteen minutes to say how he is, and Mr. B, who is only the most casual acquaintance, has no intention of devoting that much time to listening to him. This series of transactions is quite adequately characterized by calling it an "eight-stroke ritual." If A and B were in a hurry, they might both be contented with a two-stroke exchange, Hi-Hi. If they were old-fashioned Oriental potentates, they might go through a two-hundred stroke ritual before settling down to business. Meanwhile, in the jargon of transactional analysis, A and B have improved each other's health slightly; for the moment, at least, "their spinal cords won't shrivel up," and each is accordingly grateful.


    The "their spinal cords won't shrivel up" refers to lack of social stimulation and developmental atrophy being avoided.


    This ritual is based on careful intuitive computations by both parties. At this stage of their acquaintance they figure that they owe each other exactly four strokes at each meeting, and not oftener than once a day. If they run into each other again shortly, say within the next half hour, andhave no new business to transact, they will pass by without any sign, or with only the slightest nod of recognition, or at most with a very perfunctory Hi-Hi. These computations hold not only for short intervals but over periods of several months. Let us now consider Mr. C and Mr. D, who pass each other about once a day, trade one stroke each—Hi-Hi —and go their ways. Mr. C goes on a month's vacation. The day after he returns, he encounters Mr. D as usual. If on this occasion Mr. D merely says "Hi!" and no more, Mr. C will be offended, "his spinal cord will shrivel slightly." By his calculations, Mr. D and he owe each other about thirty strokes. These can be compressed into a few transactions, if those transactions are emphatic enough. Mr. D's side properly runs something like this (where each unit of "intensity" or "interest" is equivalent to a stroke):

    .

    ID: "Hi!" (1 unit.)

    2D: "Haven't seen you around lately." (2 units.)

    3D: "Oh, have you! Where did you go?" (5 units.)

    4D: "Say, that's interesting. How was it?" (7 units.)

    5D: "Well, you're sure looking fine." (4 units.) "Did your family go along?" (4 units.)

    6D: "Well, glad to see you back." (4 units.)

    7D: "So long." (I unit.)

    .

    This gives Mr. D a total of 28 units. Both he and Mr. C know that he will make up the missing units the following day, so the account is now, for all practical purposes, squared. Two days later they will be back at their two-stroke exchange, Hi-Hi. But now they "know each other better," i.e., each knows the other is reliable, and this may be useful if they should meet "socially." The inverse case is also worth considering. Mr. E and Mr. F have set up a two-stroke ritual, Hi-Hi. One day instead of passing on, Mr. E stops and asks: "How are you?" The conversation proceeds as follows:

    .

    IE: "Hi!"

    IF: "Hi!'

    2E: "How are you?"

    2F (Puzzled'): "Fine. How are you?"

    3E: "Everything's great. Warm enough for you?"

    3F: "Yeah." (Cautiously.) "Looks like rain, though."

    4E: "Nice to see you again."

    4F: "Same here. Sorry, I've got to get to the library before it closes. So long."

    5E: "So long."

    .

    As Mr. F hurries away, he thinks to himself: "What's come over him all of a sudden? Is he selling insurance or something?" In transactional terms this reads: "All he owes me is one stroke, why is he giving me five?"

    .

    An even simpler demonstration of the truly transactional business-like nature of these simple rituals is the occasion when Mr. G says "Hi!" and Mr. H passes on without replying. Mr. G's reaction is "What's the matter with him?" meaning: "I gave him a stroke and he didn't give me one in return." If Mr. H keeps this up and extends it to other acquaintances, he is going to cause some talk in his community.

    .

    http://rrt2.neostrada.pl/mioduszewska/course_2643_reading_3.pdf


    So maybe give the free edited highlights of the GPP book PDF a read or even buy the book itself possibly.

    Another book I found useful also was THE ART OF CONVERSATION ~ CHANGE YOUR LIFE WITH CONFIDENT COMMUNICATION, [by] JUDY APPS. The cover was what got me first:


                              

    https://www.amazon.co.uk/Art-Conversation-Change-Confident-Communication/dp/0857085387              


    I also really liked the typeset, layout and design such as this:


                              

                                        www.amazon.co.uk/.../0857085387


  • Hey :) 

    We all say things we don't mean to from time to time, so you're not alone! And as you say, no harm was done - people found it funny rather than offensive, so while everyone else didn't think twice about it, it sounds like the fear of being in that position again is causing you to beat yourself up about it. Of course we don't like to make mistakes, but understand that there's nothing we can do to change the past. These things happen, and accepting that will help you in the long run. No need to give up on talking to people over thisx

    Much love <3

  • Deepthought - Could you remove my "Quoted" text please.

    I feel differently about it today and my self-esteem is fine thanks. It was a temporary blip.

  • I totally get the running away from friends/ people! This is what I do.

    Someone at work wants to go for lunch next week and I'm more worried about them being friendly than unfriendly! I feel like a cactus Cactus 


  • I watch other people talking and I think I'm doing the same as them but it doesn't "work" like it does for them. Maybe it's my facial expression, which apparently doesn't always match what I'm saying? I also can't cope with more than one person at a time. When I try to speak I am ignored, often for someone to repeat the same sentence and get laughs/interest.

    It can be the facial-behavioral and or the vice-versa vocal-verbal expression thing involving vocal intonation discordance and spoken timing or subject incongruence errors ~ like in a sense a musician playing the right note or chord at the wrong time or in the wrong way at the right time, or in a dancing sense like stepping on toes, not catching someone or not being caught oneself at the appropriate time with a spin or twirl.


  • I watch other people talking and I think I'm doing the same as them but it doesn't "work" like it does for them. Maybe it's my facial expression, which apparently doesn't always match what I'm saying? I also can't cope with more than one person at a time. When I try to speak I am ignored, often for someone to repeat the same sentence and get laughs/interest.

    I've spent the past 4 years trying very hard to fit in with other parents since my daughter started school and one by one everyone has started ignoring/avoiding me. I'm never unkind, I don't break promises, I try to support people but somehow I'm not good enough. 

    So largely I just ignore everyone.

  • ...Posting, sympathising, and helping, and sometimes at the very least 'knowing that One is not alone'... is the great use for this Forum. I am glad to see that I did not mess this Thread up totally with My mistakes, I do apologise again to Anyone.

    The topic of this Thread reoccurs a lot - As You say, "being sh!t with people" (!), becoming frustrated... Please do not be too hard upon Yourself but rather learn from it, I might have said that already. As far as I know, even Non-Autistics sometimes get like this, wishing that they had said one thing rather than another, to "turn back the clock", etc. 

    Thank You for this Thread.

  • I too understand! I also give away too much information freely and like you say punish myself in my head over and over until I'm an anxious mess. I'm glad your feeling better today