Published on 12, July, 2020
Looking back
I’m not one for looking back on my life. To be honest, I never learned the knack of it, nor did I understand the point of looking back. I didn’t really get it.
But looking back, is something I seem to suddenly be able to do now, and it’s helping me. It has taken a lot of encouragement and support as well as guidance, from my work coach at the job centre and all my support workers and my psychiatrist, and lots of practice and at times, blind faith.
But it paid off, because now, when I think, it’s all too much, I’m not where I want to be and it seems too far away, I simply remind myself, I have just experienced a major, major burnout, and I’ve had two years just laying on my back. So my 5 minutes of physical exercise each day, whatever it is, is blinking marvellous, and over time, I’ll get back to not only running 7 miles in a morning, but many more and all the other stuff and more as well.
There is so much from my past that I can bring forward. I don’t have to leave it all behind and one of the things I’m bringing with me, is the knowledge that I can do this. I’ve done it before. And this time. Whatever I do, it’s built on a solid foundation. The clear knowledge of who I am. So it will remain. Whatever I build, will carry whatever comes it’s way.
So, it seems I can look back and make use of the past. I was all for leaving it all behind but my support workers helped me to keep some of it. And I know why, now. Some of the past is useful. I can let go of all that is no longer useful. I can let it all go with love, knowing, it has fulfilled its purpose. And make way for the new. But bring with me, my strengths and the skills I learned. I can put them to better use and integrate them with my new self awareness, to create a more peaceful and stable, yet no less exciting life.
I’m pretty amazed actually, when I look back over my life, at how I ever got by! Lol! There’s got to have been a lot of skills being utilised to get me through those days of being in the wilderness, which was often very dark. Some little light, that at times, was invisible, got me through though. And now I’m out of the wilderness, I can see for myself. And despite appearances, all I see is love.
I don’t have much tolerance for being around people. I always end up telling them what to do. They’re like teddies, to me! They need lining up and telling what to do, if they’re going to be any use at all ~ in my little world
But I love interacting, deeply and wholly, with people I meet, when I’m out and about. I can just blurt out whatever’s on my mind or in my heart and often it leads to some wonderful moments and lots and lots of learning and expanding of my heart and mind. Some times, there’s an undeniable perfect flow of love. It’s like a mutual exchange of love, that makes you think, this is what love feels like. And you, and the other person or persons, walk away, with an undeniable feeling of immense joy and we don’t know quite why. It’s a beautiful experience.
My life might not look ordinary, because it’s not. It’s extra ordinary. That’s what happens when you live from the heart and not the mind. Even the simple act of washing some dishes, can be a truly wonderful experience, when you’re present with it, in the moment, in the heart and not in the mind. The way the hands work together and the way they move, so gracefully, is truly mesmerising. You don’t need thoughts or ballets! Watching your hands at work is like watching a ballet. It’s like poetry in motion ️
I think I’m maybe doing what they call, ‘making peace with the past’? I’ve never really understood all these little sayings people seem to say sometimes. But I think I’m actually doing that now. I think I’m making peace with the past. It feels like the next phase of acceptance and integration of the diagnosis and the new self awareness that I’ve gained, that I’m now experiencing.
Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water, is another one of those sayings, that I think I understand now. I can let go of all that wasn’t or is no longer helpful, from my past, but there’s lots of good stuff that I can keep and use.
It’s a nice feeling. Making peace with the past. Who knew?!?! Lol!
I’ve heavily reflected on my past and how ASD has affected it as people who know about me ask if I’d change myself if I could. I said NO because not only would that get rid of most of my main traits and heavily change my personality but it would also invalidate the journey I’ve been on so far and the challenges ive faced.
I used to react badly to people touching me in primary school and it would often end up with me assaulting them. However now I’m not like that anymore, I never try to start any kind of conflict apart from arguments, I will still fight to the death for myself or family though.
I've managed to make a good friend called Jacob, I think the reason I like to be around him is because he is accepting of me and he is bipolar so we can relate in certain situations. I never liked meeting new people so making a friend was hard, but now I have him I would kill for him.
I have PDA (pathological demand avoidance) so i was constantly grounded and I felt like I was robbed of my freedom and the only way I managed to get through that mixed with the other feelings like rejection was through music. Without it I could have gone further than a few cuts on my arm. I listen to NF and Eminem mainly, I think it’s because I can relate to them through their lyrics and how Eminem was rejected by most of the people around him.
I got a bit emotional with myself recently which was a bit wierd because I have alexithymia but anyway I was looking through my old year 2 achievement folder and the second half was filled with autism stuff and a booklet about what’s different about me (not wrong) and what I wouldn’t be able to do. I exceeded most of their doubts but some of the things they expected me to do I can’t do.
I think that shows how misunderstood we are as autistics.
I love that Will, especially when you said you wouldn’t change yourself because it would change your traits and most importantly, invalidate the journey you’ve been on. That went straight to my heart and made me say Yes! You are so right. When I read that, I suddenly felt like I was holding on to my past and my journey as if it were a little baby, holding it and loving it so dearly. This is why I say I love all autistic people so much, because of the journey we go on. It’s such a unique journey but I do believe that at the heart of it, we are definitely closer to our true selves than none autistic people and it’s that which gets us through.
I can relate so much to everything you said, especially about the lashing out and not connecting with people enough to create friendships. And I too have my very first, real best friend. And like you, I think I love it so much because my friend accepts me, wholly and completely, for who I am. He has autism but doesn’t have PDA and ADHD like me but he has something to do with not being able to express yourself in facial and vocal tones etc. It’s such a special feeling and I’m so glad you’ve got Jacob. The way I feel about my friend, is that you only need one good friend in this world. You can be friendly with lots of people but to have a real friend, is really special, and I think we appreciate it and value it all the more, because we know it’s value through experiencing many years of the opposite.
I also have Alexithymia and just last week realised I was deeply upset, through me having violent outbursts and walking through town looking for a fight!!! I haven’t done that for years yet I still didn’t click on that maybe I’m upset or something. My support worker helped me to work it out, thankfully, before I did commit some kind of violence.
And I 100% agree with your last statement, about how misunderstood we are. But I don’t think that could be avoided, as they began to know about us through studying children from the outside in and I think it’s only now, when there are now so many more adults on the spectrum, who can actually say what’s going on, from the inside, will we get more collective knowledge.
I am so grateful to the psychiatrist who diagnosed me and for the help he has given me since, especially round the PDA stuff but when I’m talking to him, there are definitely times that I think, he hasn’t got a clue what it’s actually like. But then I think, of course he hasn’t, it’s not something that is easily communicated to somebody who isn’t the same and even if they could understand it intellectually, I don’t think they could ever really know what it’s like. But I’m grateful they know enough to be able to spot the signs etc and give some guidance and support.
Music helps me also and is very emotive. I tend to mostly play meditation or chanting type music but when I need to, I play other music. Listening to Amy Winehouse, repeatedly, for several hours through my headphones, the other night, was really helpful.
You sound like you’re really well. It’s good to hear. It’s not an easy journey but one that we can appreciate and value and you’re right, it’s part of who we are.
Thanks Lone. That’s really helpful. I’m going to start listening to music more often to release emotions, because it’s not that I hold back, I just don’t know I’m having them. But I know I am, and I know I need to release them. What you said has really helped. Thank you
BlueRay said
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“Does listening to music like that, help you release emotions so that they don’t get trapped in you? I haven’t listened to stuff quite like that for a long time, and I’m wondering now if it’s a good strategy to help release emotions?
I know I have emotions, because my behaviour last week, showed me that. I’m wondering if listening to music like this sometimes will help me release emotions?
How often would you listen though? Could it be when you start spotting signs that you’re having an emotion, such as, in my case, I want to fight? “.
I am replying to you BlueRay as you asked the question about listening to music to feel emotions.
As will says I listen sometimes to allow my emotions to flood out, I hold emotions back often, sometimes I just need to let them all out. I go through all sorts of different music and sings on you tube, I do cry and sometimes my whole body shakes as a tune moves me so much.
So in answer to you I need music very much in my life, it stirs me, allows me to feel emotions sharper.
Some lift my spirits, others show me beauty in just a simple voice, I see humanity in a voice, not judge it by ability just real emotional connection .
take care BlueRay and will young.
I personally listen everyday as emotion can build up in me very quickly without me knowing what it is. So I’ll play a few songs and when I go back to the feeling of neutrality I’ll know by the song that sent me to PH7 (neutrality) what emotion I was feeling.
What was the most impactful song on you, all give me a different type of buzz.
I love all the songs for different reasons but they are all connected in the way they help me live my life.
I recently had a massive clear out, I re arranged my DVD in order of franchise and production company. I cleared out my clothes too, I had loads of jeans when I can’t wear them, they are way to restrictive on leg movement. I mainly wear tracksuit bottoms or sport shorts as I can freely move.
I went out for the first time in ages today, I went to the cinema and McDonald’s with my friend Jacob and semi friend will. We had a great laugh and it felt good to go out.
My muscles are going to kill on Monday as I have 2 games of football tomorrow!!!
This is brilliant Will, thank you. I’m going to save them all under the emotion and start using them. Thank you so much.
Yes, I’m the same with exercise and sport. I’ve just cleared all my clothes out. It feels so good. I had a goal that by the end of this year, I would have decluttered completely and I would be fully raw (food). I know this sounds weird, but I only recently came out of Christmas mode and only last week decided to really get going with getting my house cleared etc so I can get back to exercise, as it’s like the anchor which everything else fits round ~ and already, I’m fully raw and in the next two weeks, I will have cleared my whole house out, in brutal fashion! Then I can get back to daily exercise and fresh air and really get my routine up and running.
I said a spiritual affirmation for all this last week, as part of my course homework, and already it’s happening!
If you need any other recommendations on songs for emotions I’m here.
Mansion is a good song for all emotions when I’m having a meltdown or overwhelmed.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uF5QE3-ox4o
when I used to have a fight I would always win, not because I was amazingly stronger than them but because I would never give up. With my high pain threshold I could be continuously hit or kicked then get up and one punched them and they would hit the deck.
Those two channels helped me massively accept who I am as I thought that I would never find someone like me, Runaway germ showed me that both ASD in girls and boys is very similar and also showed me that there were actually many autistic females in the world. I always knew but I didn’t know that girls my age felt like that.
I’m back
Will respond later but I’m going out right now for a bit
For reflection I use
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KgMzxQW2raE
Or
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-YAWbuWP4yc
For anger or passion
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cSeBpKHHwJQ
or
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Po5zT1krKOc
For sadness I use this also
m.youtube.com/watch
Yes, I can relate to all of that and I’m getting back into British history through religion, of all things! But it’s highly fascinating.
With the schedule thing. It just takes practice. Every time the thought comes up, you go quiet, into a kind of meditative state, and ask, is it true? Your ego might jump in and say yes, but you’re not asking the ego. You’re asking, is it true? And allow the experience of that to unfold. For example, you’ll see, that actually, it’s never even happened before, and the chances are, they’re just late, or they’ve forgotten. It takes practice and it’s much better if you write it down. And even better if you do it on a Byron Katie worksheet, which you can get for free at her website. It’s easy and gentle and it’s just 4 questions, and it will reverse the thinking that creates that anguish in you when somebody doesn’t turn up on time. You can use it then in all situations and slowly but surely, you have less and less of the dark times and you start growing in the light.
I’m like you. An absolute contrast. And it has worked on me. With patience and practice, I don’t feel things on such a deep level so often, I’m becoming less intense and more flexible. I’m making sure I build flexibility into my new routines.
http://thework.com/en
She’s got loads of YouTube videos out there and on her site as well.
You have re-reminded me as well of how I used to use physical exercise to channel my energy. I didn’t actually realise I was doing that, until now, I just knew that when I’m running, in the gym, yoga and boxing, I feel much better and seem to manage the days much better.
It’s all starting to make sense now. Thank you. I have started a daily 5 minute yoga routine. It’s not much, but it’s a start. Thanks for your help.
I’ve subscribed to those other two channels you mentioned also. Thanks. I never knew about the other two.
Whoa, that was hard to watch. I cried, no, I sobbed deep soulful tears. Probably because I ended up a drug parent and lived in that world. I think I needed to see that!
Does listening to music like that, help you release emotions so that they don’t get trapped in you? I haven’t listened to stuff quite like that for a long time, and I’m wondering now if it’s a good strategy to help release emotions?
How often would you listen though? Could it be when you start spotting signs that you’re having an emotion, such as, in my case, I want to fight?
The song starts of a bit like bad day by Daniel Powter which I used to listen to, it was a good song and and made me feel a bit wierd but I guess I listen to it less no because I listen to song lyrics more now and the lyrics of NF make me feel like I’m not the only one in my situation.
i enjoy both American history and British history as British history is amazing and how a country so small controlled 3/4 of the globe.
i like American culture and the clothes I wear are often very American because of their style and colour. I wear baseball hats and colourful jackets and tops. I either look like the smartest in the room or like I’ve just came out of Michigan. I’m either wearing vey dark clothes or am as bright as the sun.
I can have a very contrasting character, some days I can be very relaxed and laid back and some worrying about death and almost in an emotional burnout with depression, sadness anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I don’t think I’d ever go for suicide because I enjoy living. I suppode there what if thoughts on suicide.
i also have problems with schedules, I’ll give one example, if someone says they’ll be back at 7 and there not then I automatically assume that they’ve been murdered or died in a car crash.
I’m exactly the same. In fact, I’ve just wrote a post, saying I have found somebody else like me and then you go and say all this as well! :)
I enjoy watching YouTube videos and I’ve watched the same documentaries etc about the same people, over and over again, and I always learn something new. I’m more into American and other world history at the minute. I don’t really look into the world wars anymore. I watch aspie world!
I’ll check out the link. This was my go to song for a while, until I had my meltdown last week https://youtu.be/Rkkw8RhH9ck but I’ve got a few others as well, depending on how I’m feeling
The self reflection I went through also made me realise who I actually like around me, I came up with around 12 people Me,Jacob,MY mum and dad,Uncle Ben,gran and grandad.Mitchell, Jack and Alfie are all my semi friends. My sister I love with all my heart and I would have to save my brother because he could be ok when he gets older.
I have multiple historical inspirations.
churchill, Martin Luther king, General Montgomery and Lord nelson are a few to name.
I enjoy watching YouTube videos and channels like Agony Autie, Runaway germ and The aspie world.
I love pretending to Perform to an audience and I put all emotion I don’t understand into them. I use songs that reflect how I think I’m feeling.
You should watch that link to the song I put in, even if you don’t like the song the video is emotional. That’s if you haven’t already watched it.