Can’t lie

Hi Nancy, can I just ask please, why are you asking us this question?

Yes of course. I’m fairly sure my adult daughter is on the high functioning autistic spectrum.  She has said quite hurtful things over time and I just wanted to know whether there was any point trying to explain to her what she has done. I’m just tying to get a better understanding really. 

Thank you for clarifying. Yes of course there’s a point to explaining to her that things she has said have been hurtful as you shouldn’t have to put up with her saying hurtful things to you. You may need to be very specific though when explaining exactly what she has said and exactly why it has hurt you. I’m pretty sure that my eldest daughter (21) also has AS, luckily we are and always have been very close, like best friends really, so she doesn’t say hurtful things to me BUT one thing that I have really struggled with with her recently is trying to get her to see how her behaviour impacts on other people and makes them feel (with regards to bf/friend’s) and it’s virtually impossible, to get her to put herself in the other persons shoes and see how her behaviour affects them, unless she has been in the same situation herself. Even though I’m terrible at seeing others perspective myself, it really winds me up when I am explaining to her in the bluntest most direct way ever, and she still doesn’t get it! 

The post code lottery may exist, for some people, but trust me, when you're ready for help, it will be there, just don't judge what comes along before you have given it a chance. 

On that day driving down the motorway, I was suddenly in an alternative universe and I saw clearly what I was doing - going back to a situation (with a partner) where we were living together and I could see I needed to end it, there and then. I could recall the whole story to you but in short, it was his house but I got him out of the house, paying for the house and I made it clear I would not move out until I was ready and he could not come round. It was a huge life changing moment because suddenly, I was without a child to look after and now I was on my own for the first time, and I had a completely blank slate because through that relationship (he has narcissistic personality disorder) I had become distant from all my friends and family, I wasn't working and I was living, literally, in the middle of nowhere in a beautiful old cottage in the lake district - it was a perfect sanctuary and was the beginning of me getting the autism diagnosis.

Hi BlueRay, I'm glad that you found my memory uplifting. I do find that I do have a number of very specific, highly detailed memories, some of them from before I was even 1 (I know the child psychologists say people can't remember anything from before the age of 2 but I have a number of really vivid memories from when I was very young!). That is, if something is profound enough to stay in my head then I remember it so well, almost in technicolour! What 'moment' happened for you on your way driving back home to the lake district?

It must be quite liberating in a way not having to have a sense of what time or day it is. Having young children, I have to follow a reasonably structured routine and know what day it is. It's really good that you've got at least 18 months support. I really think it is a postcode lottery with what support is available post diagnosis, I have none, but to be fair, at the moment, I don't feel that I particularly need any support either, apart from chatting with people on here which is always good.

That was so inspiring to read Kitsun, reading about the moment you changed things around, it really uplifted me. I can relate to it, as I remember exact moments like that. My last one was at 4.14 pm on the 25th November, driving back home to the lake district.

I can't even remember what I did at the weekend, I rarely know what day it is so I'm not even sure when the weekend was, but you can be sure it was good. Every day is good, I don't know how to have a day that's not good although I am trying to sort out the days so I have specific work days and days where I go for walks etc. I'm getting there slowly and I've got at least 18 months support so I'm taking it as it comes and my support worker is leading the way and I'm very happy about that because I no longer have to think about going to bed or getting up or whatever, we'll get to that. I think we're working on eating first, which is pretty big for me because I'd rather not do it. I am working towards being a breatharian but I know, paradoxically, I have to get into a regular eating/drinking pattern so I can fast regularly so I eventually do without all food and water.

Indeed it is. I find it so difficult to understand someone doing something for a different reason than I would or someone doing something different to what I would do in the same situation. Although I accept that people do think/act differently to me, I just don’t understand it, because it’s not my experience.

Thats ok, my dad died a long long time ago now, nearly 23 years. It was rubbish at the time though. And thank you. Regarding getting my act together, I think with that and anything really, a switch goes in my brain and I decide I’m going to do something and that’s what I do. I can actually remember the exact moment when I decided to get my act together, I was 19, standing in front of the sofa in the lounge of my old flat, I just thought, I’m over my dad dying now, why am I still doing the whole f£&@ up thing? I decided then and there to sort it out and I did. It didn’t happen overnight but by the next year I was good. 

I wish that I was having a nice restful weekend! I’ve been catching up on housework as my husband is home today to entertain the children. Though once the children were in bed my husband and his best mate were drinking and watching football, loudly! Then his best mate fell over and gashed his head open so I drove him to A+E to get stitches  ! By the time I got home my husband was asleep on the sofa so I’m now enjoying some peace and quiet while on this forum.

How’s your weekend been?

That’s the nature of autism ~ that we think everyone thinks like us ️ sorry to hear about your dad  and  well done you for getting your act together at such a young age, even with undiagnosed autism! Super well done. It took me quite a few more years to get my act together, but I got there in the end  

I trust you’re having a nice restful weekend after a busy week

Hi BlueRay, sorry for the late reply, been  busy this week with the children as it’s half term. Sorry also as I have a tendency to think that other people would only do things for the same reason that I would do them and experience things the same as I would experience them. So for example when I was 15 my dad died and lots of other things happened and that caused me to go off the rails for a few years and get a bit too into recreational drugs, cannabis during the week and chemicals at the weekend. But I felt bad about it, I didn’t like being like that and for me it was very much a reaction to life circumstances that and the fact that I realised that I was a bit weird and thought that at least if I was under the influence of drugs then I could blame my weirdness on that and people wouldn’t realise that I was weird, I’m sure they did realise I was weird but it was how I thought at the time. I cleaned up my act once I turned 20 and went to university to do a degree instead. 

I have never considered that I went off the rails. Life bored me to death and drugs and crime gave me at least some kind of excitement. I was taking drugs at school as that bored me as well. I have always done what I have wanted and prison life is the same as any other life as is any life. Outer circumstances don't define me, so to me, being in prison is simply living in a different place and it is a most fascinating place to be. I met some amazing people and the dynamics are amazing. And I met some very kind people as well. As for drugs, I still love them but I don't take them in the way that I used to because no matter who you are, they will always get a hold of you in the end. So you have to use them wisely.

So no, I have never considered that I went off the rails. I started stealing at a very young age so by the time I was able to go to the shops for my mum, I used to steal the stuff, just for fun. When my brother cottoned on, I was stealing fred perry tshirts for him and he would sell them for money. I didn't get any of the money. I didn't want any. To this day I don't care about money. I've never done anything for money. But I guess I went into shop lifting as a profession because I was good at it and for some weird reason, I have always loved stealing. I have eventually stopped, thank god, although it has only been in the past few years.

My late teens were pretty rocky too for a variety of reasons. Think sex drugs and rock and roll! Was there anything that triggered you into ‘going of the rails’? 

I’m proud of my eldest (I’m proud of all my children) she’s doing well, especially considering I had her so young! I’m actually really pleased with how she’s turned out. She’s a lot more level headed than I was at her age 

I had been in prison a few times, had two drugs overdoses, had a kid, left home, never worked and much much more before I even hit 21 and I wouldn’t listen to anyone when I was at that age so your daughter sounds like she’s doing pretty well. So are you. I couldn’t be around my kid once he got to 18. I left home! lol! So it sounds like you’re both doing great. Kids don’t listen to our words anyway, they learn from our actions etc, which is good because my son, who isn’t autistic, has got all of the good traits, such as honesty etc :) 

I had been in prison a few times, had two drugs overdoses, had a kid, left home, never worked and much much more before I even hit 21 and I wouldn’t listen to anyone when I was at that age so your daughter sounds like she’s doing pretty well. So are you. I couldn’t be around my kid once he got to 18. I left home! lol! So it sounds like you’re both doing great. Kids don’t listen to our words anyway, they learn from our actions etc, which is good because my son, who isn’t autistic, has got all of the good traits, such as honesty etc :) 

The post code lottery may exist, for some people, but trust me, when you're ready for help, it will be there, just don't judge what comes along before you have given it a chance. 

On that day driving down the motorway, I was suddenly in an alternative universe and I saw clearly what I was doing - going back to a situation (with a partner) where we were living together and I could see I needed to end it, there and then. I could recall the whole story to you but in short, it was his house but I got him out of the house, paying for the house and I made it clear I would not move out until I was ready and he could not come round. It was a huge life changing moment because suddenly, I was without a child to look after and now I was on my own for the first time, and I had a completely blank slate because through that relationship (he has narcissistic personality disorder) I had become distant from all my friends and family, I wasn't working and I was living, literally, in the middle of nowhere in a beautiful old cottage in the lake district - it was a perfect sanctuary and was the beginning of me getting the autism diagnosis.

Hi BlueRay, I'm glad that you found my memory uplifting. I do find that I do have a number of very specific, highly detailed memories, some of them from before I was even 1 (I know the child psychologists say people can't remember anything from before the age of 2 but I have a number of really vivid memories from when I was very young!). That is, if something is profound enough to stay in my head then I remember it so well, almost in technicolour! What 'moment' happened for you on your way driving back home to the lake district?

It must be quite liberating in a way not having to have a sense of what time or day it is. Having young children, I have to follow a reasonably structured routine and know what day it is. It's really good that you've got at least 18 months support. I really think it is a postcode lottery with what support is available post diagnosis, I have none, but to be fair, at the moment, I don't feel that I particularly need any support either, apart from chatting with people on here which is always good.

That was so inspiring to read Kitsun, reading about the moment you changed things around, it really uplifted me. I can relate to it, as I remember exact moments like that. My last one was at 4.14 pm on the 25th November, driving back home to the lake district.

I can't even remember what I did at the weekend, I rarely know what day it is so I'm not even sure when the weekend was, but you can be sure it was good. Every day is good, I don't know how to have a day that's not good although I am trying to sort out the days so I have specific work days and days where I go for walks etc. I'm getting there slowly and I've got at least 18 months support so I'm taking it as it comes and my support worker is leading the way and I'm very happy about that because I no longer have to think about going to bed or getting up or whatever, we'll get to that. I think we're working on eating first, which is pretty big for me because I'd rather not do it. I am working towards being a breatharian but I know, paradoxically, I have to get into a regular eating/drinking pattern so I can fast regularly so I eventually do without all food and water.

Indeed it is. I find it so difficult to understand someone doing something for a different reason than I would or someone doing something different to what I would do in the same situation. Although I accept that people do think/act differently to me, I just don’t understand it, because it’s not my experience.

Thats ok, my dad died a long long time ago now, nearly 23 years. It was rubbish at the time though. And thank you. Regarding getting my act together, I think with that and anything really, a switch goes in my brain and I decide I’m going to do something and that’s what I do. I can actually remember the exact moment when I decided to get my act together, I was 19, standing in front of the sofa in the lounge of my old flat, I just thought, I’m over my dad dying now, why am I still doing the whole f£&@ up thing? I decided then and there to sort it out and I did. It didn’t happen overnight but by the next year I was good. 

I wish that I was having a nice restful weekend! I’ve been catching up on housework as my husband is home today to entertain the children. Though once the children were in bed my husband and his best mate were drinking and watching football, loudly! Then his best mate fell over and gashed his head open so I drove him to A+E to get stitches  ! By the time I got home my husband was asleep on the sofa so I’m now enjoying some peace and quiet while on this forum.

How’s your weekend been?

That’s the nature of autism ~ that we think everyone thinks like us ️ sorry to hear about your dad  and  well done you for getting your act together at such a young age, even with undiagnosed autism! Super well done. It took me quite a few more years to get my act together, but I got there in the end  

I trust you’re having a nice restful weekend after a busy week

Hi BlueRay, sorry for the late reply, been  busy this week with the children as it’s half term. Sorry also as I have a tendency to think that other people would only do things for the same reason that I would do them and experience things the same as I would experience them. So for example when I was 15 my dad died and lots of other things happened and that caused me to go off the rails for a few years and get a bit too into recreational drugs, cannabis during the week and chemicals at the weekend. But I felt bad about it, I didn’t like being like that and for me it was very much a reaction to life circumstances that and the fact that I realised that I was a bit weird and thought that at least if I was under the influence of drugs then I could blame my weirdness on that and people wouldn’t realise that I was weird, I’m sure they did realise I was weird but it was how I thought at the time. I cleaned up my act once I turned 20 and went to university to do a degree instead. 

I have never considered that I went off the rails. Life bored me to death and drugs and crime gave me at least some kind of excitement. I was taking drugs at school as that bored me as well. I have always done what I have wanted and prison life is the same as any other life as is any life. Outer circumstances don't define me, so to me, being in prison is simply living in a different place and it is a most fascinating place to be. I met some amazing people and the dynamics are amazing. And I met some very kind people as well. As for drugs, I still love them but I don't take them in the way that I used to because no matter who you are, they will always get a hold of you in the end. So you have to use them wisely.

So no, I have never considered that I went off the rails. I started stealing at a very young age so by the time I was able to go to the shops for my mum, I used to steal the stuff, just for fun. When my brother cottoned on, I was stealing fred perry tshirts for him and he would sell them for money. I didn't get any of the money. I didn't want any. To this day I don't care about money. I've never done anything for money. But I guess I went into shop lifting as a profession because I was good at it and for some weird reason, I have always loved stealing. I have eventually stopped, thank god, although it has only been in the past few years.

My late teens were pretty rocky too for a variety of reasons. Think sex drugs and rock and roll! Was there anything that triggered you into ‘going of the rails’? 

I’m proud of my eldest (I’m proud of all my children) she’s doing well, especially considering I had her so young! I’m actually really pleased with how she’s turned out. She’s a lot more level headed than I was at her age