How others see us ‍♀️

I think it’s just one of the ways in which  our brains are wired up. It’s one of the differing factors that differentiates us from none autistic people. But it’s not a negative. It’s what gives us the ability to enjoy the sheer pleasure of our own company and why we can get so passionate about things.

I’ve just come back from the stationary shop and the cashier, who helped me with my purchase, it turns out, her twin sister is autistic. And two of her nephews. When I started to talk about how amazing we are, she said, you’re right. She said she went to see her little nephew the other day, and he told her something like 73 facts about hamsters and he told her all about them. She said, before he started, she had no interest in hamsters whatsoever, but by the time he had finished, she said she loved them! 

This is one of the amazing things about our self obsession. We can get stuck into really interesting things, that others pass by, but our passion for them, brings others in.

I’ve also signed this girl up for a mission I haven’t yet started! Although it seems I have now  She said they have an employee who’s autistic and he’s amazing. She said he’s the best seller and best employee in the store! She’s so excited about autism now and I was able to answer some question she had regarding her sister. Prior to our conversation she had been worried about what would happen to her sister if she was ever not here, and now, she’s just the opposite. She’s excited for her, and our mission  that I haven’t properly put together yet. 

Maybe just a very much needed survival mechanism 

This makes more sense to me. Thanks.  I think when I first read self obsessed I just thought selfish.

Of course. Our fundamental point of view, if you like, is one of self obsession. But not in the ordinary sense of the word. Meaning, just as you said, we can also be extremely thoughtful of other people’s needs etc, infact, we’re often over thoughtful of other people’s needs and feelings etc, and often to the detriment of our own wellbeing. 

It’s not that we’re ‘selfish’ because in general, we’re definitely not. But our innate self obsession can cause us to misunderstand situations or comments etc. So definitely for me, anyway, it has been super helpful to recognise this quality of self obsession in me so I can use it for good and try to recognise when it’s playing a part in either me miss understanding others or visa versa. 

It’s a terrific quality when we use it for the good.  I’m not sure why! Lol! But I’m sure it is and I’m sure I’ll come up with reasons why it’s good, but just now, those reasons are not clear to me. 

But it doesn’t mean we’re selfish, not by a long shot. We’re amongst the kindest, most loving people on the planet :) 

Thanks. I get the bit about expecting someone to realise your upset or what would bother you etc. I would definitely do that so in that way you are probably right. But I don't think that's my issue with jokes. It may be why I can over react to banter type jokes though. My lack of understanding over jokes is very much due to misunderstanding language/taking things literally etc.

I do try to think about other people too though. Especially within my job working with children. So isn't that the opposite of self obsessed. Can you be self obsessed and not self obsessed at the same time?

Same!

I like that, its just a shame others don't see it that way. I can't understand why they are not seeing the actual role change as my reasonable adjustment. Its so frustrating. Think I've really put the cat among the pigeons now, just hope colleges don't start acting the same way.

I agree with that sentiment entirely. Being high functioning (hate the term btw) just means for me a spikey profile of areas of super human awesomeness alongside kryptonite like struggles.

i am super(woman) in many ways but the impact of the keyptonite can cripple me 

I have a conundrum with how people now see me at work. I've been off following a disciplinary, prior to this I disclosed my AS to a couple of people, who didn't really take any notice, with whats happened now work, moving me into an alien unsuitable environment, I have had to formally disclose, diagnosis letter sent to them the full works, Occ health involved. I've asked for 'reasonable' adjustments by this I mean put me back in a community role,location of their choosing but since they now have my diagnosis its like everybody has gone into panic mode and are now treating me like I'm totally disabled, the fact I've worked for them for 12 year and until this minor blip have a really good reputation and have been highly regarded that's all gone out of the window and now I think they see me as a total liability. So people now don't see me as me any more, just my AS or disability as they call it. What people don't realise though is in the right environment I am not disabled but put me in the wrong environment and I am very disabled. So now I am going to have to get them to see me as me and not just my diagnosis.

I can give you a hug, a virtual one, and maybe a real one when I see you soon,  and you definitely have permission to cry. You don’t have to even know why you’re crying, in fact, it’s better that you don’t know why, because we can have a tendency to talk ourselves out of it and to rationalise it. 

I’m a child at heart. I said to my support worker, I can work etc and do those things but it’s the basics of simple daily living, that I have never learned. It’s like I’m a 6 year old or something who has been thrown into this adult life. But tiny step by tiny step, it’s becoming easier, as I learn to keep things in the moment. 

But sometimes, we just have to cry, even if it’s only to acknowledge all that we’re going through, that nobody but us can know. That part of us needs recognition and sometimes, the best way to do that is with being bucketloads of tears. 

We have to learn to be the loving parents  we never had, who sees our struggles and appreciates them. With one of my support workers, just last week, in fact, the support worker I’m talking about on this thread, we realised that I’ve never been patented. I came out of the womb, in charge, and continued to be so in my life both to my detriment and my good. But I’ve never actually been parented, so I’m learning to do that, now. 

Once you come through this Eli (and I always see you, even when I’m not in the room), you have got lots to look forward to, I promise you that. But just now, you need hugs, love and lots of compassion. Narcissist abuse is so complex and right now, you’re in the thick of it, so you only have room (head space) to make sense of what you need to to hold it together, But if you feel you can, it’s goid to cry, but I know that there have been times in my life, where crying had to be on pause, just to get through it. 

But if it helps, I’m sending hugs. I’ll send an angel, to hold you in her soft wings, and hold you and hold you and hold you, with no questions asked, with undying love and compassion, until you’re ready for her to start loosening her hold. 

And don’t be afraid to shatter other people’s views of you. I’ve found that when that happens, people either don’t know what to do, so they’ll walk away, or they will open up to you and create a space that never existed before, and they’re the ones you want to stick around. It’s a bit scary to let others in, but it has benefits, when we connect to the right people. And the right people are the ones that don’t walk away. Friends come in all shapes and sizes, I’m finding, and even though friends are still a bit (or a lot) alien and scary to me, I’m kind of warning to them, because they bring great benefits. And one is, we get to feel we’re not alone. Sending hugs X

Firstly, as the Elephant in the Room i rarely get seen, and I rarely allow my true self to be seen.

With everything going on at the moment - i am praised for being "so strong", "super organised and efficient" but they don't see that I can deal with the practical stuff, but emotionally I am on my knees.

I am seen as able, articulate, witty (at times), erudite, practical, tenacious... but at heart I am a child terrified and needing a really big hug and a cry!

That’s what I’m talking about, lol, it’s like others see the opposite of what we’re doing. No one gets my jokes either, and I think they’re hilarious! 

It’s just another weird phenonmen of the mind. It will all become clear one day and in the meantime, for now anyway, it is simply fascinating, to me. There’s never any confusions when I’m with my autistic friends though and they never get insulted by me or anything. It’s weird, because I talk the way I always do but it’s not a problem when I’m with them! 

You know the other thing I get is that if I make a joke, other people think that I'm being serious, they don't realise that I'm joking. Maybe we just joke on a different level to non-autistic people?

This is so accurate! You describe it perfectly

Haha yeah, we do seem to have our special reactions reserved for a special few, although I’m not sure they feel that special when we unleash ourselves on them, unrestrained! Lol! But if it’s your husband, then he loves you and I’m sure he loves you all the more for it :) 

It doesn’t always end well to ask either though. Some people think I’m being sarcastic or just plain stupid or something, so I’m also learning to not ask, in certain situations, although so far, not so good ~ I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut and I think, if I’m in this conversation, I want to know what you’re talking about! But many people don’t like to be questioned as they often think you’re questioning them or what they’re actually saying as opposed to simply questioning what they’re saying in order to understand it, before you even get on to thinking about questioning what they’re actually saying, once you’ve understood it! lol! Oh the joys of communication ️

I wouldn’t worry about getting jokes or sarcasm or not. Nobody gets all the jokes they hear because jokes are rather personal anyway and they’re often in house jokes, meaning only a few could get them because they’re so personal. And sarcasm is a personal thing as well and not everybody uses it. In fact, it’s probably the case that more people don’t use sarcasm than those who do. 

As for self obsession. If you’re autistic, you’re self obsessed. I’m not sure if it’s even possible to be autistic and not be self obsessed because it’s kind of the whole nature of autism.

For example, as with the situation above. A non autistic person, who isn’t self obsessed, wouldn’t have reacted to the husband and neighbour laughing, in the same way. They would most likely either get the joke and find it funny or get the joke and not find it funny or not get the joke but not be worried about that and at no point would they bring it all back to them. They would most likely just see two people having a joke and if they didn’t feel in a jokey mood they simply wouldn’t take much notice.

But because were autistic, we not only don’t get the joke (most of the time) but we bring it right back to us. For example, we can’t believe these people could do such a thing when they know ‘I’M’ upset!!!!!! It’s like ‘what the hell is wrong with these people, don’t they know I’m upset, can’t they see I’m having a hard time, why would somebody even make a joke about that, how could they do that, it’s not even true, I know they said it’s a joke but it’s simply NOT even true what they’re saying about me. I’m always doing things, I don’t even watch Netflix that often, not ever. Why do they even begin to think that telling lies about me, when I’m having such a hard time, could be remotely funny or made into a joke, etc etc etc??????

We bring it all back to us. Like we’re the centre of the universe and EVERYBODY should know that and respond accordingly. For example, if I’m having a hard time, then the whole world should respect that. 

We would never think of ourselves as self obsessed. We would have to have it pointed out to us, because we’re so self obsessed and we think everyone sees the world like we do so it’s kind of impossible to see it unless it’s pointed out. 

They seem to do jokes on a different level to us, about things that we don't find funny. 

Just asking is a good idea. Unfortunately for my husband I tend to just get reactive rather than ask, that reaction is only reserved for him though :-) I'm usually more measured with other people

You've got me wondering now. I've never thought of myself as self obsessed. How would you actually know if you were self obsessed? I can understand some jokes quite easily and I can get sarcasm if it is someone I know well. I find it hard with people I'm not familiar with though. Even with people I know, even though I often pick up on it when it is sarcasm, I often wonder whether it was sarcasm when it probably wasn't. I often self doubt whether I was right. My biggest problem with jokes is language. If I find the language confusing then I'm not going to understand the joke. Sometimes I get it with a delay and sometimes it just has to be explained to me.

True