Joining the ranks of the adult orphans (sort of).

A few weeks ago, in my mind, I disowned my son and sister as I realised I was holding myself hostage to still try to please them. They won’t speak to me about my autism and want me to carry on as I always have, which is masking wildly to please them. 

I realised this was clearly a choice I had been making as I didn’t want to loose them from my life but I am no longer capable of doing that. I didn’t want to make a fuss about it so I didn’t say anything to them at first but it came out during a conversation with my son, to which he had no response. 

Today, the reality of the situation became clear. It’s my dad’s birthday and they’re all going out for dinner tomorrow to celebrate. They know I don’t have the money to spend on meals out although my mum offered to pay for my meal. 

I was going to go, even though I didn’t feel totally comfortable with it. I checked out the restaurant and there was something on the menu I could eat and I was going to make the effort. 

However, after today’s events, I really don’t feel included or part of their plans. I feel like they feel they have to invite me. I don’t feel like they really want me there and they certainly won’t want me there if I go as myself and I definitely don’t want to cause a scene. So I’ve made the decision to not go. 

Before I made the decision I felt upset and I was getting worked up but since I’ve made the decision, I feel at peace. 

We can’t change others but neither should we change ourselves, for the sake of fitting in. So they won’t understand my decision. They’ll think I’m being a drama queen just after attention. But in truth, it’s the opposite.  I don’t want any drama or attention regarding the situation. 

I tried to talk to them, which wasn’t easy for me, but they didn’t want to know. There’s nothing I can do about that. 

I’m actually closer to my mum and dad than I’ve ever been but that’s because I keep my visits with them short and not as frequent so it’s probably a good thing that I don’t go because I never really know when what I’m saying is appropriate or not. I certainly wouldn’t feel 100% relaxed tomorrow, which puts me at an even greater risk of saying something I apparently shouldn’t have said or behaving in a way they deem inappropriate.So I do think this is the best decision all round. 

I’m doing well. I’m eating better, I’m sleeping better, I’m slowly building my fitness back up, I’m slowly regaining the ability to take care of my basic needs and my home and I’m slowly moving towards setting up my business so I can once again support myself financially. All of this takes up just about all of my energy. I’ve got nothing left for masking. So for my sake and theirs, I feel like I’ve made the best decision. And now I’m going to go for a walk in the sun, buy some more delicious strawberry’s (a rare thing these days to get delicious juicy strawberry’s) and have another early night. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have enough energy to go on a bike ride. 

Thanks for being here and for being my family.

Parents
  • Greetings Miss Shiny-Blue-Person...(!) I like this Thread so far and many responses thereto. This here may be a trivial/repetitive Post, though...

    I would support (and make effort to support) those who support you; you mention your parents. If it makes them happy, then try to do something --- upon another Thread I suggested that if one is not fond of "parties" then just give a BIG Gift/Card, and write your, um, love/respect in a Card/Note plus explanations, and then leave it at that.

    Also I wonder, with regards to letting others "think whatever they want", it is a good idea to somehow find out whatever they are thinking about oneself, at least at times, and every now-and-then... else thoughts shall "snowball" into great lies and mistruths and cause much confusion/trouble later on... (or something...)

    Always try to explain yourself and justify whatever you do to others. This is how true understanding and support/friendship is found out, upon both sides. (That is how I see things, anyway.) ... But I do not "Mask", and so do not know about that! Also -one more thing, here, is that if you have been masking (acting falsely or whatever that means, sorry) for a LONG time, then persons would become used to the "Mask" and when there is the sudden change to the real, then it may be misunderstood for a very very long time. Try to explain and be patient yet maintain your own self + Energy as well.

    This Post threatens to Loop a lot, and so that is all for now. Good Luck. (Sorry, this was longer than I intended!)

Reply
  • Greetings Miss Shiny-Blue-Person...(!) I like this Thread so far and many responses thereto. This here may be a trivial/repetitive Post, though...

    I would support (and make effort to support) those who support you; you mention your parents. If it makes them happy, then try to do something --- upon another Thread I suggested that if one is not fond of "parties" then just give a BIG Gift/Card, and write your, um, love/respect in a Card/Note plus explanations, and then leave it at that.

    Also I wonder, with regards to letting others "think whatever they want", it is a good idea to somehow find out whatever they are thinking about oneself, at least at times, and every now-and-then... else thoughts shall "snowball" into great lies and mistruths and cause much confusion/trouble later on... (or something...)

    Always try to explain yourself and justify whatever you do to others. This is how true understanding and support/friendship is found out, upon both sides. (That is how I see things, anyway.) ... But I do not "Mask", and so do not know about that! Also -one more thing, here, is that if you have been masking (acting falsely or whatever that means, sorry) for a LONG time, then persons would become used to the "Mask" and when there is the sudden change to the real, then it may be misunderstood for a very very long time. Try to explain and be patient yet maintain your own self + Energy as well.

    This Post threatens to Loop a lot, and so that is all for now. Good Luck. (Sorry, this was longer than I intended!)

Children
  • Thank you Pray tone3 DC and so well said. I will be reading all of these comments again and I’m so grateful for the tremendous support. It really is heartwarming. 

    Yes, regarding my dad, I’m going to be writing all the wonderful things I’ve ever thought of him and never said, in a kind of letter and giving it to him and letting him know I won’t be going to his funeral. I know he’ll understand and support me as there is no way I could get through the funeral, I would simply be a wreck. 

    I’m so grateful for everything else you said as well and I truly take it all on board. Thank you Pray tone3. Very wise, kind and supportive words and I truly do thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to share them with me. I guess the masking is more about me putting them first regardless of what is happening with me and for now, I’m putting myself first so I can continue to get well, as it’s taking more effort than ever now for me to keep on moving forward and I don’t want to ruin all my efforts by being emotionally distraught (which leads to suicidal thoughts as I am only just learning about understanding my emotions) over them two. And we have a big family with many of us all living within walking or cycling distance of each other so it’s not as if they’re alone and they’ve spent years together without me - family holidays which I wasn’t allowed to go on because I don’t act and talk like them, so they’re used to me not being included in their family gatherings. So I’m actually still thinking about them as I know they want to have a nice day today and I find it hard not to say what I think and they don’t like what I think so it’s better for them that I’m not there and I’ll take myself off for a little bike ride or something so I don’t sit all alone feeling upset and left out! Lol! It’s better for my mum this way because like me, she doesn’t like conflict and she has enough on coping with my dad’s illness.