Published on 12, July, 2020
A few weeks ago, in my mind, I disowned my son and sister as I realised I was holding myself hostage to still try to please them. They won’t speak to me about my autism and want me to carry on as I always have, which is masking wildly to please them.
I realised this was clearly a choice I had been making as I didn’t want to loose them from my life but I am no longer capable of doing that. I didn’t want to make a fuss about it so I didn’t say anything to them at first but it came out during a conversation with my son, to which he had no response.
Today, the reality of the situation became clear. It’s my dad’s birthday and they’re all going out for dinner tomorrow to celebrate. They know I don’t have the money to spend on meals out although my mum offered to pay for my meal.
I was going to go, even though I didn’t feel totally comfortable with it. I checked out the restaurant and there was something on the menu I could eat and I was going to make the effort.
However, after today’s events, I really don’t feel included or part of their plans. I feel like they feel they have to invite me. I don’t feel like they really want me there and they certainly won’t want me there if I go as myself and I definitely don’t want to cause a scene. So I’ve made the decision to not go.
Before I made the decision I felt upset and I was getting worked up but since I’ve made the decision, I feel at peace.
We can’t change others but neither should we change ourselves, for the sake of fitting in. So they won’t understand my decision. They’ll think I’m being a drama queen just after attention. But in truth, it’s the opposite. I don’t want any drama or attention regarding the situation.
I tried to talk to them, which wasn’t easy for me, but they didn’t want to know. There’s nothing I can do about that.
I’m actually closer to my mum and dad than I’ve ever been but that’s because I keep my visits with them short and not as frequent so it’s probably a good thing that I don’t go because I never really know when what I’m saying is appropriate or not. I certainly wouldn’t feel 100% relaxed tomorrow, which puts me at an even greater risk of saying something I apparently shouldn’t have said or behaving in a way they deem inappropriate.So I do think this is the best decision all round.
I’m doing well. I’m eating better, I’m sleeping better, I’m slowly building my fitness back up, I’m slowly regaining the ability to take care of my basic needs and my home and I’m slowly moving towards setting up my business so I can once again support myself financially. All of this takes up just about all of my energy. I’ve got nothing left for masking. So for my sake and theirs, I feel like I’ve made the best decision. And now I’m going to go for a walk in the sun, buy some more delicious strawberry’s (a rare thing these days to get delicious juicy strawberry’s) and have another early night. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have enough energy to go on a bike ride.
Thanks for being here and for being my family.
Families like to have every member in their properly appointed place and behaving as they always have. That means that when somone changes their behavior or role the rest of the family can struggle to deal with the new dynamic and, as you've found, resist strenuously. It sounds as though your sister and your son genuinely don't know what autism is. There may be ways you could help them to understand, or at least to understand how much the masking hurts you, although I realise they may simply not want to bother. Sometimes we have to let go of people who are toxic to us and, whatever you do, I wish you the best with it.
I totally agree with this Hathor, although it is in dysfunctional families where this happens, and that includes most families, lol.
Yeah, I have tried to explain things to them, I arrange for a family get together type thing to tell them about my diagnosis etc but they didn’t want to know. My support worker printed off some good info about autism, aimed at family members to help them understand it, and I gave them a book, but only my mum has read any of it.
I understand the family dynamics and it’s not as if I’m just cutting them off completely, but I’m doing so well to get me back on my feet and I simply refuse to give the energy I do have, to them. My relationship with my mum and dad and other family members has definitely improved since my diagnosis but these two just don’t want to know. It’s probably because I more or less brought my sister up and I brought my son up alone and they both used to really look up to me etc, so I can understand that this is not easy for them either. I guess all I’m doing is presently looking after myself, not engaging with stressful and upsetting situations and talking about it on here as that gives me a better understanding of the situation and the support I need. Thank you for your support and perspective, it really helps.
Yes. Unfortunately, it's the only way to deal with toxic people. Constantly appealing to their hoped-for better nature and understanding most often leads to more frustration.