Drinking: a confession

I drink too much.  I have done for quite some time.  I'm certain I'm not an alcoholic.  I don't have an overwhelming desire to drink.  I don't need to start the day with a drink, and I don't generally drink during the day.  I don't drink every day, either.  I function well, and manage to keep very fit.  I eat well.  But in the evenings (mainly over the weekend period), when I sit to watch a film, I'll have a drink.  Then another.  And so on it goes, until I go to bed drunk.  As I did last night.  And then I wake up in the morning - as I did this morning - and realise I've done damage in some way.  Not just to my health, but to other people.  I'll look at my previous day's internet history and realise there are comments I've made - on here, on social media - that are rude at best, downright offensive at worst.  I keep upsetting people.  I don't know why I do it.  In vino veritas goes the old saying.  Yet it isn't the truth I'm using.  The drink turns me into this nasty, spiteful person I don't especially like - and I'm sure others don't, either.  Having said that... this person is seductive.  There's a big part of Mr Hyde that will always appeal to me.

I think it's all to do with years and years of keeping it all inside - never being confident enough to speak up, because generally when I did, I was shouted down and ridiculed.  And suddenly, I found a way to loosen all of that up.  I didn't start to drink in any way that you would call 'problematic' until I was in my 40s, and what kicked it off then was feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage and a job I hated.  Drink became an escape as well as a form of relaxation.  It also numbed the anxiety that is pretty much a default condition for me, and always has been.  It was all very selfish.  It shut me off from others and made me indifferent to the effect that my drinking was having on them.  It has cost me a lot since then.  I've lost a wife, a home, the trust of friends and relatives.  It's isolated me more and more.

I've been to AA.  I've been to therapy groups.  I've tried meditation, spirituality, etc.  I know the ins and outs of it.  I've heard all the horror stories, and told a few myself.  I'm away from everything now, really, that previously would have been a trigger to get drunk.  But I still do it.  Frankly, I can't ever imagine giving it up entirely.  Because I enjoy it.  I enjoy the feeling of all my cares and woes slipping away.  I enjoy getting light-headed.  It's pure selfishness.  I admit it.  It'll probably get me in the end, in one way or another.  I know that.  The only times I've ever attempted to end my life are when I've been drunk.  It facilitates so many things, and most of them aren't good.

I'm not posting this for advice, really.  I know what I ought to do.  But maybe others have similar experiences with some form of drug.  And maybe discussing these issues openly can help in some way.

Parents
  • Merci beaucoup, Graham Slight smile

    So... I went to see my GP this morning to get the results of a blood test and to pick up a new prescription for Allopurinol, which I've been on for the last couple of months - since my last chronic gout attack, which left me hardly able to walk for almost a week.  My blood purine levels at the time were very high.  They've come down a lot - but are still high.  I was frank with her as to why this was - that I'd been continuing to drink too much.  I said that, considering how much booze I'd been pouring into my system recently, it was remarkable that I hadn't suffered any real ill-effects.  Just an occasional minor hangover which was usually gone by mid-morning.  She said she thought I looked well.  My skin tone is good, my eyes are clear, my blood pressure is normal.  My weight is also stable, and ideal for my height.  My BMI is spot on.  No one would guess that I have a drink problem - except the bin men when they come to empty my recycling bin.

    For how much longer if I continue as I am, though?

    She agreed that I need to do something.  That I'm at a critical point.  She offered to refer me to local alcohol services, but I've been before and  didn't find them very helpful.  So I said no, I want to do it on my own.  And I'm confident I can.  I've done it before.  I'm not physically addicted, but I could easily get to that stage.  Before I went in, I took a look around at the other patients in the waiting room.  A few were younger than I am, but had some obvious serious health issues.  Mostly, they were around my age and older, and the signs of age-related infirmities and other problems were likewise very evident.  It made me think that, all in all, I'm pretty lucky.  I still have my health.  I made my mind up then that I want to keep it for as long as I can.  I still keep fit.  I still eat well.  I get enough sleep.  I don't have much money, but I don't have any debts.  I enjoy my minimalist lifestyle.  Alcohol is the one thing that undermines all of that and threatens it.  The devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear that he's my friend.

    Maybe now is exactly the right moment to make that change.  I've been doing a few things for myself lately.  I've got some new glasses coming, and they will radically change my image (my current ones make me look much older).  I went to the dentist for the first time in years, and got a clean bill of health (amazingly!)  I've also been thinking about cashing in a small pension pot.  I haven't had it many years and it isn't a huge amount of money, but it'll help me to feel a bit more secure at this stage in my  life.  I may even buy a small secondhand camper-van, so that Daisy and I can head off out at the weekends. Better to use the money now than wait another 7 years for the small monthly income it will yield. 

    New things ahead, maybe.  But I'm still going to stick to a day at a time.

    I'll keep you posted on progress.

Reply
  • Merci beaucoup, Graham Slight smile

    So... I went to see my GP this morning to get the results of a blood test and to pick up a new prescription for Allopurinol, which I've been on for the last couple of months - since my last chronic gout attack, which left me hardly able to walk for almost a week.  My blood purine levels at the time were very high.  They've come down a lot - but are still high.  I was frank with her as to why this was - that I'd been continuing to drink too much.  I said that, considering how much booze I'd been pouring into my system recently, it was remarkable that I hadn't suffered any real ill-effects.  Just an occasional minor hangover which was usually gone by mid-morning.  She said she thought I looked well.  My skin tone is good, my eyes are clear, my blood pressure is normal.  My weight is also stable, and ideal for my height.  My BMI is spot on.  No one would guess that I have a drink problem - except the bin men when they come to empty my recycling bin.

    For how much longer if I continue as I am, though?

    She agreed that I need to do something.  That I'm at a critical point.  She offered to refer me to local alcohol services, but I've been before and  didn't find them very helpful.  So I said no, I want to do it on my own.  And I'm confident I can.  I've done it before.  I'm not physically addicted, but I could easily get to that stage.  Before I went in, I took a look around at the other patients in the waiting room.  A few were younger than I am, but had some obvious serious health issues.  Mostly, they were around my age and older, and the signs of age-related infirmities and other problems were likewise very evident.  It made me think that, all in all, I'm pretty lucky.  I still have my health.  I made my mind up then that I want to keep it for as long as I can.  I still keep fit.  I still eat well.  I get enough sleep.  I don't have much money, but I don't have any debts.  I enjoy my minimalist lifestyle.  Alcohol is the one thing that undermines all of that and threatens it.  The devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear that he's my friend.

    Maybe now is exactly the right moment to make that change.  I've been doing a few things for myself lately.  I've got some new glasses coming, and they will radically change my image (my current ones make me look much older).  I went to the dentist for the first time in years, and got a clean bill of health (amazingly!)  I've also been thinking about cashing in a small pension pot.  I haven't had it many years and it isn't a huge amount of money, but it'll help me to feel a bit more secure at this stage in my  life.  I may even buy a small secondhand camper-van, so that Daisy and I can head off out at the weekends. Better to use the money now than wait another 7 years for the small monthly income it will yield. 

    New things ahead, maybe.  But I'm still going to stick to a day at a time.

    I'll keep you posted on progress.

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