Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I am a non autistic woman in a relationship with an autistic guy, we're in our early 20s, I graduated college last year and he's just finishing up his final year now.
We've been dating for about three and a half years, living together for 1 and pretty much everything has been really smooth sailing as far as I can see only recently we've been at loggerheads a lot more because I've been unemployed since graduation and really struggling monetarily, and he's also very stressed because of course he has to hand in his dissertation soon while also working on his final project. I feel like both our stress has been manifesting in us being very snappy at eachother which is not our usual MO
We had a big fight this evening, I was crying over money woes and he just got up nonchalantly and when I asked where he was going he was just like "I've got *** to do" and of course this really really upset me. I suffer quite badly from depression (as does he) and anxiety so I had something of a screaming mental breakdown. When I collected myself I went downstairs and confronted him as to why he'd leave me alone when I was clearly in such a state, his reasoning was he just couldn't leave the dishes unwashed any longer, and he wanted to eat the leftovers of dinner that I'd cooked because they were "made with love". In the moment I was completely baffled he saw my feelings over dinner I cooked earlier as more important than the large breakdown I was having at that moment, I got very upset, but we talked it out and he says that if there are other things on his mind he just HAS to deal with them first otherwise he doesn't feel "safe". Also that when I'm in a state like that he finds excuses to get out of the situation rather than just directly saying that it's overwhelming him which I'd much rather wish he did. It took a lot for me to get that out of him and when he does this it comes across as indifference or sometimes even irritation at my feelings. I'm a very sensitive person to tone of voice and facial expression so it effects me really badly.
Sorry if this is too nebulous a question but what's the best way we can communicate over these issues, how can I tell him to let me know he has other things on his mind that are making him panic without him coming across like he doesn't care about me. Also I sometimes worry that when he is struggling with depressive thoughts he doesn't come to me or anyone even, or doesn't know how to word them, but of course I don't want to badger him if maybe there isn't actually anything wrong in the moment! I do my absolute darndest to communicate but obviously that's not gonna do much if I'm not speaking in a way he understands so I need some help now that things are a bit more stressful for both of us. Anyone been through anything similar, any advice from autistic adults on how you communicate with your partners? Sorry if this is a bit rambly and if I've said anything insensitive please let me know
Thanks loads~
I'm autistic and have been in relationships where I may have seemed standoffish or unconcerned. I think you've described the situation well, although to be frank I wonder if you may be looking for solutions inside to relationship to problems outside the relationship where your other friends and family might be able to help more. This is a very personal thing to you, and I've no right to 'put my oar in' and hope I don't say anything insensitive.
There is a cliché that autistic people 'don't like strong emotion'. It's not quite true, but many people do need time on their own to access their own feelings. I get the impression that if you asked him to sit with you and give you a hug, and he did, he'd break down in tears himself in sympathy, and may not want to appear weak. You could just reiterate what the ideal means to you.
NAS37486 said:how can I tell him to let me know he has other things on his mind that are making him panic without him coming across like he doesn't care about me
If you know that isn't true, why does it matter? You might ask him again for something that might have helped you then and see if he can find a way to help when you're distraught. I don't know how silly an idea it is, but maybe you could devise your own language of hand signals or something to signify being too stressed to continue the conversation at that particular time. Anger is about unmet needs, so those need to be recognised. Hope you talk it through, anyway.